Ivor Hugh J Thurston is unexpectedly back as ‘guest reporter,’ at what I have to admit, is enormous expense to the public purse and also to the Bays’ bulging bank account, due to the Colonel being regrettably made unavailable, having been involved in what can only be described as a terrifying episode that nearly saw him almost ‘checkmated’ on the slippery and dubiously wet black and white chequer board tiling floor, of a public lavatory in Spalding. Such are the strange happenings that may be inflicted upon those attached, however tenuously to the Bays…
Now, dear reader, before you start to read any report written by me, from now on, I’d like to draw your undivided attention to the fact that any (in fact most) events (however badly) described in such articles, are purely co-incidental to persons either living or dead, or possibly in the Bays’ cricketing persona, somewhere quite randomly in between. Anyone of course can accuse the writer, first of slander, which is of course extremely difficult, in fact impossible when writing, or second even libel, which is so much easier, but before they or you do, I’d like to ‘hand-wringingly’ apologise in advance for any offence that may be caused (deliberately or not) by my mere scribblings!
Sleep deprivation can as most party-goers and new parents know, be a terrible thing and something that serious and proper cricketers should avoid at all costs. The mind can and will, if given half a chance, do bizarre things to an individual, even dare I suggest it, to a mind as razor-stropped sharp as the mighty Colonel himself. However, I find I digress, as the privations of such an area, inevitably include not only the incubus, but alas the succubus as well. ‘Let sleeping dogs lie,’ is possibly the best and only way forward here, I believe, so let us move on swiftly. As I said previously, to the cricket without further ado, untimely nonsense and jiggery pokery.
Before I kick off though, as it were, I feel I ought to let you, the dear reader into a little secret. The Colonel has at massive personal expense acquired a bus for the Bayshill First XI to travel to matches in. The second XI he decreed, should travel to all games on bicycles to ‘get the buggers fit, or indeed encourage them, to bugger off, if they’re loafers or n’er do wells.’ The vehicle (photogravure provided) was he hoped, to be available for the game today against Westbury-on-Severn, where its full potential could be realised, with demonstrations taking Bayshill flag-waving small children and their pets, across the great river, back and forth for their delectation (and a small fee of course to bolster Bays’ flagging resources). The unusual mode of transport is however currently unavailable, being stuck in a mire of controversy over its tax classification, even though the Colonel has stated to the world media, that he, ‘Sorned it himself!’
When one of the Bays’ players of the more mature variety, let his team mates know that he’d found a ‘long-cripple’ in his greenhouse, there was as you can imagine, to a team of such inclusivity and ‘good-eggishness,’ a degree of consternation with a capital C. He further compounded his statement with, ‘I moved the little bugger on though, as I didn’t want to tread on him, when getting my dibber out.’
Now, to clear things up, the aforementioned cricketer wasn’t being politically incorrect in any way and prevent the Woke police start Twittering all over him. He had discovered nothing more than a deaf-adder or a blindworm as it may regionally be known. Yes, my learned reader, a slow worm of gargantuan proportions called Cecil and indeed you’ll be delighted to learn, the Bays’ latest devoted fan!
Thirty-five overs, and as many wickets falling in that number of overs, with batsmen returning if all 10 wickets are taken and retire on 50. Thus, there was the possibility that some player may become the first, the equivalent of Yuri Gagarin in space if you like, to be out twice, in not only the same game, but the same innings as well. It’s cricket Jim, but not as we know it! Could a Bays’ player manage that?
No toss was taken, as no toss was needed. Nobster had agreed to let the Bays break out the willow and thwack the leather with gay abandon. (no reader, not like that) Now, to make the game even more Daliesque, Nobby had all the Bays players pick out their place in the batting line-up out of a hat. A degree of Frankie Howerd tittering and wheezing followed after the Nobster picked out number 11.
And so it was that Steve Pritchard (Education Secretary & Kitchen Devil Chief Director), who works a hell of a lot and Steve Liley (Ex-teacher), who has 52 weeks holiday per year, strode to the middle with a common cause. Steve L was first to go however, with the score on 63 and he, 22 (including 5 fours). Mr Alex Van Dyke (Client Director at Qubus – nothing at all to do with incubus it is pointed out here) smacked a quick 23 (four 4s) off just 16, to bring the score to 93. Pritchard in the meantime playing sensibly as any headmaster would; no hint of skiving or a surreptitious ciggy. Even so, his career ended, sorry I meant his innings, on 39 off 45, with 7 fours, with the team score now up to 101.
MacLoed and Harding of the C variety now faced Westbury’s finest. Alas, poor Rod went for a four-ball quacker and just one run on the total. Singh now joined Colin and made a racy 19 of their 26 partnership. He only faced 13 balls and smacked 4 fours, clearly in a bit of a hurry, being caught. Angus Guthrie now entered, making 6 off six, including one great six! Paul Soggy Saunders replaced the unfortunate Guthrie, but only troubled the scorer with a single, before being adjudged LBW. Chris Horner (Virtual Pipe-Smoker No 2, Didgeridoo player and pith helmet wearer) made a rapid 18 off only 12, with a big six and two 4s. Colin holding the other end, had now seen off almost half of the team. In an act of almost decency and reverence to his team-mates, he fell next on a well-made 12 off 30, with the one 4. The score was now 169, no comments please.
Alex Harding was on 3 when his pater went. Nobby the Nobster, the cappucinno now entered the fray as number 11 with score on 173. He was clearly in no mood for the usual and dare I be so bold, as to say, Test Match blocking, leaping instead out of the traps as quickly as a cuttlefish’s strike! 34 off just 21, with two 4s and three whopping sixes! Now, not to be outdone by all the goings on, Rod re-entered the fray after Alex was caught behind for 7.
Bayshill history was in the making. The ‘consecutive dot record at the beginning of an innings’, that fell last year to Sean Price, was one thing, but could a player be out twice in one innings? Well Rod (Hibs season ticket holder) MacLoed thought so! Yes, dear reader, he managed it with aplomb, going for 2 runs, run out no less! In the same game he had two runs and two dismissals, instantly projecting him into the Bayshill Hall of Fame. Well done to him we say, with a Hip Hip Hurrah! So the Bays made 216 for 11, yes that’s right 11 off exactly 35 overs.
Westbury-on-Severn in reply started badly with Watkinson being bowled by Paul Saunders for 2. Cueto and Rodgers seemed unperturbed by the loss and pushed the score up to 63 before Cueto went for 32, caught by Horner off the rapid Guthrie. Rodgers retired on 50 with a hundred up for the club, before Penfold was bowled by Rod, who had been carted for two massive sixes off his first two deliveries. (Sorry to mention that Rod)
Gayther made another 50 not out for the club and the score moved slowly but surely closer to the target. Woodhall was run out by Alex Van Dyke, who gave keeper Liley a difficult ball to gather and move stumpwards. Alex Harding took a catch off Guthrie near the end dismissing Powell.
Westbury were just 15 runs or so short… However, it must be said that most on the field knew that if they’d played for the win, then they would surely have had it. Also, after the Bays had wrapped up the victory, some deliberate miss-fielding seemed unfortunate in a number of ways, to say the least. A pyrrhic victory some might say, or a great victory others might consider. I let you the discerning reader decide.
Imbibement at The Lansdown followed, with the Westbury captain fitting in with the Bays’ banter. Yes that’s right, Fran Stirrup (Good Egg order number 1) quaffed a couple with the team that beat his, drew with his, tied with his, lost to his. Please delete which you feel appropriate.
Bayshill 216/11
Pritchard 39/45/7/0
Liley S 22/32/4/0
Van Dyke A 23/16/4/0
Pierce A 34/21/2/3*
HW 3/29
Westbury-on-Severn 202/6
Cueto 32
Rodgers 50*
Gayther 50*
Stirrup 24*
Guthrie 7/0/29/2
Catches: Horner C 1, Harding A 1, Pierce A 1.
Run outs: Van Dyke A 1, Ass Run out: Liley S 1.