Colonel Mustard returns from a therapeutic weekend in Dijon to brighten your day – he is now self-isolating with half the population in a nearby Wetherspoons.
A report on cricket invariably starts with who won the toss. Well this one, sadly is only a little different, but for the fact that the use of pronouns is the important feature here.
Notice the difference, patient reader:
I have won the toss! ?
We have lost the toss. ?
Yes, that’s right an abrogation of responsibility when the toss is lost and a self-congratulatory statement when it is won. This could be more complicated still, if we were using the arcane language of Old Norse, where 2 extra pronouns were used.
If Nobby and Chris had won the toss for a game in say 820ad in Norway, they may well have used a single word pronoun meaning ‘we 2’ and if they lost it to their opposite numbers, they may well have said, ‘You 2 won the toss.’ So, greater options for our Viking friends with more abrogation of responsibility and more sharing of luck possibilities.
This fine evening, we were told we had lost the toss. Yes, that’s right, We.’ Thank you Nobby for letting us share your loss…
Friendly Naunton put the Bays into the field and slowly but surely built an innings with wickets falling steadily. Several catches were put down – the names of the culprits won’t be mentioned here to save face with their admiring loved ones. However, the keeper really should have… I think I’ve said enough now.
When Naunton looked as though their total might be building slightly too quickly, Chris Thorp was summoned to break the deadlock and this he did. He took his time though, using up his first delivery with a dot in the scorebook. (Well not really as this match is to my knowledge the first to be recorded in its entirety in an electronic form – and why I haven’t a copy of both innings to date. Technology may be a splendid thing, but a pencil is more reliable. As Stan Laurel said to Oliver Norville Hardy, ‘You can lead a black horse to water, but a pencil must be lead!’)
Now as all the fun on the grass reached a febrile fever pitch, those looking on noticed the black dog near the pavilion. Before the game started, it had wandered carelessly over to a small sign and urinated placidly on the post supporting the important message. The instruction was plain and simple – All dogs to be kept on a lead. So, are we to assume this dog is not just a canine rule-breaking anarchist, but also a dog capable of reading English? Some wag (not a wife or girlfriend I hasten to add) added it belonged to Winston Churchill. This for some reason threw all the spectators and players into a terrible and moribund state, from which they struggled to recover.?. However, they did and no dogs were injured in the process.
A close stumping was turned down, a stumping missed and then finally, ‘Hallelujah!’ – a stumping given off Tom Liley’s bowling. The keeper, father of Tom, an athletic man possibly in his forties at most (surely) threw the ball left-handed to the stumps and the batsman was history, toast some might say, at least 3’6” short of his crease. (Note imperial measurements)
Charlie (guest player) bowled well and secured a clean bowled. 129 was the score posted. A collar dove sat passively on telephone cables above the pavilion looking singularity unimpressed with all proceedings.
The Bays batsmen then trudged down the hill to begin the assault on the score. Only five of them in the event were needed, before the total was reached with a full five overs left.
Alex Van Dyke for some reason known only to himself took a terrible dislike to umpire Sean Price at square leg, whacking a ball as hard as he could towards him. Maybe it was the low level sunlight in his eyes, maybe the speed of the approaching ball, maybe he had fallen asleep, whatever the reason, he was hit full on the upper leg and downed like one of Nobby’s skittles. Alex later said he was most upset Sean hadn’t apologised to him, as it would have been a definite four. Sean (aka Lord Uxbridge) stubbornly refused to comment, holding a bag of ice to the said leg whilst downing a chilled pint in The Black Dog (Horse) afterwards. (For Nobby’s sake – a horse is a fair bit bigger than a dog)
Ajit Singh, A Pierce, A Van Dyke all reached 30, with Tom Liley something like 15 not out and Rob Plum (returning to the Bays after a few years or so) to face just 2 before 130 was reached to the deafening cries of a large murder of crows flying over.
Disclaimer: This report was compiled with the use of nothing but a fading memory, with the promised innings yet to appear out of the ether. No responsibility is taken for terrible mistakes, malicious slurs and gross negligence and incompetence in the writing. All complaints should be sent to:
Bromley Recycling Centre
2, Fingers Street,
Upper Yourself Road,
Buckingham,
BU55 0FF.