Colonel Mustard, is once more, as ever, most reluctantly propelled back into the cricketing spotlight for the forthcoming indoor season and all associated the japes that go with this sporting extravaganza. The Colonel begins…
Having completed the Bays’ stats and laughed a good deal at who’s done this and who hasn’t done that, I’ve started to appreciate heavyweight literature in all of its ‘tomish’ glory. Now, I’d really rather you didn’t start questioning my well thought out methods, so early on and dare I say it, without so much as a by your leave. Why I ask you, shouldn’t the turquoise ink, flow quite so freely from my new White Tailed Sea-Eagle quill? There is absolutely no need to be so downright curmudgeonly, before I’ve had a chance to get a little run-up and let rip as it were. Old Leo Tolstoy was a heavyweight in his day, but even his jolly ditty, cheerfully named, ‘War and Peace’ has not the slightest smidgeon of the gravitas exuding from the pages of the Bays’ stats of 24.’ But I digress dear reader as I have the big match to report on and you won’t therefore be hearing any extraneous material on other Russian authors from a bygone era. So here goes. Straight to the Swan Vesta.
As the attached photographs delightfully show, the ardent swains, Mr. and Mrs Van Dyke, of the Alex and Laura persuasion were legally cemented together at Clearwell Castle in the Old Forest. This of course is the ‘big match’ that was celebrated with more than a little style amongst the trees just a couple of Mondays ago. Well done to them both this mighty organ thrice shouts out.
To the other match report, with a ‘Tally ho!’ and a ‘pip pip pip,’ which I hope will give all the necessary griff on the Bays’ latest cricketing outing, without any further ado. I’ll endeavour dear readers to stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood and have a damn good go!
Bayshill against Birdlip is always a well contested sporting event. I’m not suggesting it’s The Ashes, or The Henley Regatta or even some golfing thing or other, but it is a game of some note. Locals have been stiffening the jellied backbone for weeks in anticipation of this one and I’ve had it on good authority that some of the silver ring bookies in the area have been taking wheelbarrow-fulls of ‘jimmy-o’-goblins’ on the result. Naturally, as a Bays’ insider (not in cider), I’m not allowed to bet myself, so have simply had a sportman’s bet with a few sportsmen, including Ivan Toney, Kieran Trippier and the likeable friendly chap that is Joey Barton.
To the game. As captain, the recently married beetle expert naturally won the spin of the coin and put the Bays into bat. Adi Rai, indoor regular for well over a decade was not there due to the fact that he’s been employed to work in some far flung part of this planet. In consequence, the team of six that took to the plastic had a slightly different balance.
Tom Liley bowled the first over for just seven, with Angus doing the same, but removing Holder, well caught by Chrissos Horner for 3. His replacement Kevin Blackburn had clearly another appointment, as he went about his business from the off, with a need for speed in his run getting. He took 13 off Tom’s next over with a 3, a 4 and a maximum. Angus then went for 11. Meaning that after four overs, it was 38/1.
The replacement bowlers Fran Stirrup and Alex Van Dyke went for 11 and 7 respectively, with the score now 58. (I know that doesn’t add up, but that is how it sometimes goes)
Fran took Jacques wicket in the next over, with a well taken catch by Angus Guthrie. Not to be outdone Alex claimed his first wicket of the season, with a well-placed wide that saw Steve Liley stump Jacob Bidmead, removing the bail with a surgeon’s precision, to the disgust of his fellow players, Fran’s third over went for 8, but importantly, he had Alfie Birt caught well by Tom Liley for just 5 and the score up to 80 off 9. Alex bowled the next for 9, and then Angus returned for over 11 and Tom for 12. The last 2 went for 10 and 7 respectively. 12 overs done and B&B had posted 106.
Back in the balcony, which seemed strangely bereft of rubbish and assorted detritus, the Bays players strapped on pads, bandages, supports and other devices for containing bodily parts.
Chris Horner and Scilly ‘player of the tour’ Fran Stirrup opened the batting for the Bays and did so with one of Victoria’s finest1. 9 and 12 came off the first two overs, with both players picking up a four and 3 each. Birt then bowled the third over for just a single, dropping the Bays’ run rate to just over seven, when 9 was needed from each over, from the start. Fran then took Hancocks for 14 off the next, to settle the nerves in the balcony. 37 without loss off the first 4. Trevor Holder then was taken for 12 and Jacques for 5. And so it continued until after 8 it was 84 without loss, with both openers back in the balcony retired. Chris 27 off 14 with one 4 and one 6 and Stirrup 25 off 15 with two fours and one six. Fran would have had another four, possibly six, if Chris had managed to get out of the way to one of his missiles. See Chris’ bruise.
Alex Van Dyke and Tom liley now took over the show, with clever running and the odd lusty blow. Alex fell to a run out, making 17 off 11 with one six. Angus Guthrie joined Tom, who finished proceeding with a 4 on the last ball of the 11th over, completing his 25 off 14 including 2 fours. Angus made 7 off 7,
The result was a good solid win for the Bays and good performances from all six. All but one of the team trickled down to the Rotunda in high and mettlesome spirits, to make as early a start as possible and have a couple for the tonsils and have a pleasant chat.
A fortnight has to pass until the next game. We’ll all have to wait to see what happens then. This is Colonel Mustard signing off with a cheery wave and a glass full of Abbo!
1 – Victoria’s finest = a plum