Ivor Hugh J Thurston breathlessly replaces Colonel Mustard for this week’s cricket report on Bayshill’s ninth indoor game of the season. The Colonel is currently unavailable due to serious mechanical problems with his new Goosander goose quill (Mergus merganser), also there is the unquestionable fact that he has somewhat predictably, gone missing once more. Yes, you did read that correctly, he has yet again seemingly disappeared into globally-warmed Thunberg thin air. Rumours of alien abduction are possibly somewhat exaggerated, but then anything at all is possible, when it comes to old Moutarde. No doubt, if he has been abducted by the little green men, then no doubt, this organ will at some future point, when he returns, be full of highly graphic, detailed and unsurprisingly vile information on the various probes employed on him. May all the gods forbid! I just hope our stand in reporter Thurston doesn’t repeat Ken Dodd’s joke about putting a cucumber through your neighbour’s letterbox, whilst shouting, ‘The Martians are coming!’
Thurston reports: And I must say that the inane rubbish reported last week by that crusty, unhinged old buffer, by the name of Mustard, is not going to be repeated here by your replacement reporter. Such is my standing these days, that I have a police escort to all games I report on. (See attached photo) I like to think that I’ll provide the thousands of Bays supporters with a completely new angle or tranche on all things pertaining to the Bayshill Cricket Club. You can depend on me entirely; you won’t get any of Mustard’s repetitive shambolic ramblings and rantings from me! I’ll provide you, the thirsty and unrequited reader, with nothing but corroborated facts, that are accompanied by a seriously slimmed down set of forced rhubarb, that you can gratefully get your plaque-covered porcelain or ivory dentures into. You must have noticed already that I keep well away from Mustardy areas of nonsense and over-wordiness!
To the game without further ado.
Captain Horner with churchwarden pipe in hand and striking what could only be described as a heroic pose worthy of Edmund Hilary after his ascent of Everest, won the toss and instructed his minions or troops that they were to field. Before describing the minutiae of the events that followed, it has to be stated here, that in all the years of observing cricket either indoors or out, there has never been such a dramatic turnaround in any game as that witnessed tonight.
Angus Guthrie opened the bowling for the Bay against CCSCC’s batsmen Bates and Maxwell. A single off the first delivery followed by a rearing wide down the legside, stopped one-handed by Steve Liley standing up to the stumps. Six runs after the first over, to be followed by thirteen off the second with Fran Stirrup now bowling. Just four came off the next over bowled by Tom Liley, returning after injury. Angus bowled the fourth over, losing a just a bit of control and going for 11 with just 5 coming off the blade.
The next over saw the start of an amazing sequence of events that must have been most demoralising for CCSCC. Two run outs, the first by Tom Liley thrown underhand hit directly, to see the dangerous Bates go for 22. Maxwell, who had been settling in, was then also run out, this time by Chris Horner, whose slightly wayward throw was brought to the stumps by the keeper on the last ball of the over.
Things went from bad to worse for the batsmen, with shrinking violet Stirrup, deciding he’d had enough of the other players stealing all the fun and indeed glory. Three wickets in the over, including a team hat-trick achieved with the first two balls. Sadly Stirrup spurned his own three wickets on the bounce by firing a ball down the leg. A close friend of Fran, later disclosed that this was a typical chivalric gesture of his, to show that cricket isn’t all about glitz and glamour and self. Sugar was clean bowled for 7 however, and Lloyd comprehensively LBW for a golden quacker! But no, our erstwhile hero hadn’t finished yet, having Worsley neatly stumped by Steve L, for a duck, on just the fourth ball of the over.
Tom Liley saw the next over go for 9, with Mitten now on 11, trying to fashion something reasonable for his team. The score was now up to 58 with 5 back in the balcony and only seven overs bowled. Mitten capitulated on the first ball of Fran’s next, once again seeing the ball make the bails fly. Stirrup’s last 8 balls delivered four wickets and just 2 runs and that dratted wide! CCSCC were all out for 58, having been 39 for none just 17 balls earlier.
The mighty Bays then began batting. Captain Horner and newly acclaimed Superhero Fran ‘Golden Arm’ Stirrup (unnecessarily wearing his underpants on the outside) opened with great authority. 14 runs plundered between them in the first over, to be followed by a further 7 in the second. Lloyd bowled a tight third over for just 2, but the score was already 23. Stirrup then nearly took out the umpire (for the second week running) moving assuredly towards 25. Indeed both the captain and Fran retired without problems, Chris with 2 fours and Fran 4. Alex Van Dyke took four balls to make 6 and Tom Liley faced two without scoring and that was it! The score of 59 made and half an hour of the 75 minutes still left.
The win is the third in a row and keeps the team in a solid 3rd position in Division Three. No chance of relegation now, but no chance of promotion either. The four consecutive loses put paid to that, but then three of the four could have been victories. As the new and polished super hero, leant back on his throne in The Rotunda, to quaff his third pint of Heroes Ale, he observed modestly that playing on a Tuesday wouldn’t be quite right. Indeed, all present agreed that this day was for pancakes and such things and of course Tyr, the Norse God of Justice and War, that gives us the name Tuesday.
Ivor Hugh J Thurston signs off from The Rotunda (see photo)