"Oh Something Silly. Bays Does the Biz!" • Bayshill Cricket Club

Bayshill vs Northleach — *Bays in the field*

You’ll be delighted to learn that Colonel Mustard is now restored to full rude health and after having spent the early part of the day rearranging his fine and extensive banana label collection now has his favourite loaded goose quill to hand, to report on the Bays latest and possibly penultimate match of the season. But before we march off into the weird and wonderful world of cricket, it is possibly the right time to step back and for once consider events outside of the cricketing sphere.

Today’s game has taken on a special significance for the mighty Bays, as it is the first under the new monarch – King Charles III. All previous games in the illustrious history of the club were played with Elizabeth as our queen. I’m sure all at the club would want to pay their respects and sincere condolences to her late majesty Queen Elizabeth II and at the same time welcome the new king Charles, at the start of the new Carolean age.

Yes dear reader, I can hear you already sniffing indignantly at the idea of a banana label bank! Well I can tell you that collecting this special fruit’s label is a highly addictive joy and more to the point, finding a new Chiquita, Fyffes, Good Bana, Hola Banana, One, Pratt or even a Fairtrade one, is about as satisfying as completing a thousand piece jigsaw of old WG outside a long demolished pavilion with a large mustard pot in hand. It doesn’t and certainly can’t get much better than that!

Leeches are fascinating beasts, but they’re not the brightest I think you’ll agree. Whether a north leech is more intellectual than a south leech is a question that couldn’t possibly answered without a fair amount of research of the pioneering sort. It’s akin trying to decide whether Oxford is a more prestigious institution than Cambridge. I know, I know, the Northleach team the Bays were playing on this Sunday is spelt slightly differently, but then language my friends and indeed spellings frequently change over time. Blood suckers they are and that’s about all we need to know. (The animals of the group Platyhelminthes I mean of course and not the fair-minded cricketers of Northleach!) I feel I should move on before I become mired in a leech-filled pit of controversy.

The fifteenth century limestone Church of St Peter and Paul overlooks the ground of Northleach CC and is rightly called The Cathedral of The Cotswolds for its magnificence. Norman masonry exists within the edifice, hinting at its use as a place of worship for much longer. Today it witnessed the first cricket match in the small wool town, under the reign of King Charles III. I hope it wasn’t too disappointed. Northleach CC could only muster eight souls willing to spend their Sunday on the now lush grass of the playing field. Bays too had struggled with numbers, several players being unavoidably detained by injury or nefarious vicissitudes.

Steve Pritchard wasn’t here due to the burdens of labour induced by the young’s thirst for education. Chris Horner had an appointment with Mandy with ‘strong wrists’ to sort a problem I’m not even going to try to describe, in this fine and as yet unbesmirched organ. Ajit Singh was almost back, but he was late and had to go early. And new player Chris the Toffee Crisp Man, well no one knew!

To the game at once, before I start to prevaricate one more.

Norbert Nobby Nobster won the toss and after lengthy contractual discussions over the format of the game decided to put the Bays in the field. The track looked very similar to a chocolate dessert. Not a Saharan desert dear reader, the exact opposite in fact, more a chocolate mousse with no sprinkles. And no, I’m not referencing the elk or indeed mouse. I feel I’m on a rocky road here…

But before I launch the first Carolean game, the decisions were for a 35 over game, with wait for it, no bowling restrictions and no need to retire at 50. It seems that Northleach would stick to one half of the decisions made and Bays would stick to the other half. A recipe (see earlier mousse to continue the metaphor) for a right old Eton Mess. I won’t bring that up again, I hope.

Alex Harding and Paul Saunders opened the bowling and before you could say, ‘I’ve never seen that banana label,’ seven overs were history and the score in the mid forties. G Harris at one end seemed of the Sean Price persuasion, dotting away the Georges Seurat way. Hanks at the other end cut, thumped and slashed and generally seemed more up for batting than his soporific partner. Magic Michael Harding and Tom Liley took over the next nine overs for the loss of just over thirty runs. Tom had a catch missed behind, but before recriminations could start, D Hall the batsman was gone, this time well caught by Heinz 57 Alex. This happened shortly after C Hanks made his fifty and retired (yes that’s right 50 and retired).

Little else happened before drinks. At drinks, G Harris (Mogadon batter) was retired by his captain – I’ve not seen that done before. Colin Harding and Ajit Singh were now bowling, the former very economically (4over for 15), whist the latter a little more expensive (5 for 34). Alex Van Dyke and Chris Thorp (without the E) came on to bowl and lo and behold, another wicket fell, that of R Maudno (or so his name appears in the book). Chris (very good teacher with shed loads of awards nb Mr Pritchard) had the batsman LBW even though he’d gone as far down the rocky road as anyone dare. Well he was gone and no one can doubt Hawk Eye!

T Gardner then retired on 50 (yes that’s right retired on 50)before the last bowling change was made. Jamie Liley took a little time to settle, before having D Davies caught athletically or gymnastically (some might say) behind by Steve Liley. After removing one stump from his midriff, the innings was concluded.

Tea as is the case these days was fine and dandy. I’m not going to name the contents of the sandwiches as it’ll only make you peckish and as for the libations I’ll leave them to your imagination. (Again no reference to Abbot Ale – they’ll get no more free publicity here from the club)

Bays began batting, with the massed ranks of spectators, dogs and crows making a bit of noise. Rumours that Mogadon had been in the batsman tea were unconfirmed, but the score board was moving slower than Tina the Tortoise’s skateboard. Ajit Singh went in the fourth over for 7 off 9, with Nobby at the other end on 5. Nobby had an early scare, when a call for a very good shout for an LBW was turned down by the umpire. 42 runs came off the next twelve, before Alex Van Dyke left on 24 off 40 with three 4s. Tom Liley replaced Alex, who was unlucky to be caught brilliantly in the outfield. Tom left in the 25th over for 9 off 19, just after Nobby had passed his 50. With his team mates applauding and at the same time calling for him to retire, as the other team’s batsman had, he decided otherwise giving what looked like a rude gesture to the pavilion before continuing.

Michael Harding replaced Tom and suddenly both batsmen realised that there was a game to be won and batted accordingly. Michael hit a sumptuous six over the bowler’s head and Nobby at the other end started hitting fours and sixes. With 193 needed and 77 needed off the last 10 it seemed a steep order. However, the strike rate climbed and with thirteen balls spare the Bays were over the line. Nobby (didn’t retire on 50) managed his century in style, with a driven six over the bowler’s head, going from 99 to 105 with the single blow.

With the bar closed, the players decided to go and socialise in Dunkerton’s on the very edge of Greater Cheltenham. Strong cider and perry were dispatched in quantity and exotic foods purchased at ‘very reasonable’ prices. Some rumour has it hadn’t had enough and went to The Lansdown for further refreshment.

Northleach CC 192

C Hanks 52*

T Gardner 50*

S Wexham 18

Extras 34

Liley T 4 1 17 1

Thorp C 3 0 25 1

Liley J 3 0 21 1

Catches: Vsn Dyke A 1, Liley S 1.

Bayshill CC 193/3

Pierce A 106* 96 7 2

Van Dyke A 24 40 3 0