Colonel Mustard is just back and ready to write indoor match report number two, after spending most of the morning giggling and wheezing uncontrollably over some of the unfortunate numbers ‘thrown up’ (and I use the term carefully) in the recently completed statistics.
Well now, my fellow Bayshillians, I am most fabulously happy to inform you that Oregon State Hospital released our very own Bertie Van Dyke, for cricketing duties this very evening. Nurse Mildred Ratched had signed and rubber-stamped the release papers herself only yesterday to allow our very own indoor batting sensation and record breaker access to Willie’s Stadium. Hurrah we say thrice! Think on’t…
In 1971, about ten years before The Right Honourable Chairman founded our most noble club, the progressive rock band Genesis, released a track called ‘Return of the Giant Hogweed’ and here we are today, still cowering from this plant’s infestations, although all the music and hullabaloo seems to have dissipated without so much as a ‘by your leave.’ Now, I think you’ll consider I’ve gone a little bit off piste again, but bear with me if you can. If the song is played backwards at a speed of 78, on an old Garrard deck of course, in the early evening, when there is a full moon and pipistrelle bats are just leaving their roost, you can repeatedly hear the distinctive Bays’ fielding cry of, ‘Cat Shit!’ I jest not learned reader. Look back and remember, you read it here first. I’ll leave it to you to work out how this relates to this evening’s game. I don’t want you to think I underestimate your cranial capacity. Although a picture of Giant Hogweed is generously provided for you as an aid if needs be.
Now to the cricket. Jim Hyland the league aficianado and stickler for high standards including dress code span the two pound coin with stand in captain Bertie Van Dyke. The call of tails was spot on as the coin in question followed the guillotine priciple.
Bays went into the field after Chris the Capuchino arrived having been delayed on The Shurdington Road by a touring band of Mexican musicians whose sombreros and moustaches were blocking the flow of the traffic. No matter! The bowling attack stifled the life out of Whitminster to the point of making the game’s result a formality after only five overs, when only 17 runs had been posted. Alex aka Bertie seemed to want to make a game of it, bowling here there and everywhere, but not on the sticks. A thin edge of a wide one was spurned by Fran wearing the gloves, presumably in horror at the thought of Alex picking up a wicket off this assembly of Allsorts.
In the next over Angus clean bowled Greensweg for 12 off 23 deliveries. Alex, suddenly regained control going for just four off his next over, probably realising that a six ball over is less demanding to deliver than a 15 ball one. Adi then had Williams stumped by Fran for a duck with the score up to 35 off 9, in a rare indoor maiden over.
So it went on. Alex went for 7 next over, before Angus returned for the penultimate to yield just 3. Tom Liley wrapped up the innings with his last over slowing the scorebook down almost completely. Just a single and the wicket of Helliwell, clean bowled, with Tom
returning with just the three runs against him in so many overs. A Bayshill indoor record indeed.
Whitminster had amassed 47, before the Bays openers Chris and Adi dominated the arena. In the fifth over, the other Bays’ batsmen were unstrapping their pads as the game had finished. Chris was 21 not out off 17 with two fours and Adi 26 off the same number as Chris, but with four 4s. Whitminster’s keeper Jim Hyland wearing jeans no less, was shaking hands before half the designated overs had been bowled and presumably going off to give himself a good talking to about not wearing whites.
Within 10 minutes two thirds of the team were quaffing away merrily in the Rotunda, with Steve, Martin and Peter. Top of the league now, with a healthy run rate that I’d explain if I could. Come on The Beige.