This organ of the mighty Bays is reservedly thrilled to welcome back Colonel Mustard to shed light on Match 10, the last indoor game of season 23/4.
Leading up to this final game of the season, for cricket is the focus of this missive, I have to say that there has been just a slight amount excitement pervading those striding upon the pavements of old Chelters. The Honorary President Spike has completed his term of office, a year in fact and this filthy electronic rag as it were, is the first to bring to you the breaking news that he has been replaced by Hoggy the hedgehog – see attached photogravures. The new and highly polished incumbent decided to call upon Alex Van Dyke, the world-renowned Coleopterologist, to ask for a bit of help as she was feeling a bit under the weather. Having been transferred to the Hedgehog Rescue Centre in Brockworth, Hoggy declared her undying support for the Bayshill. The selection committee for the new Honorary President and the Independent Adjudicator (whose identity is top secret) voted unanimously that Hoggy should take up her position with immediate effect, due to the fact that she might curl up her toes and go to meet her maker any moment now. We salute Hoggy and hope for the best – and congratulate A Van Dyke Esq for his medical intervention. There is no truth in the rumour that Mr Van Dyke will be known from now on as Mr Spiky or even Dinsdale,
I’ve still got the lingering smell of Twiglets hanging around in the old nasal orifi! I can’t understand it really, as I haven’t got on the outside of a single Twigoid in the past few months, which will no doubt surprise those of you, who consider this versatile foodstuff to be ‘Food of or for the Gods.’ Professor Ganglion on rubber-stamping my release papers yestreen did suggest that all that electricity flashing about the vicinity of my cranium would have some unexpected side effects, but then you’ve got to take what these dashed brainy blighters say, with a pinch of snuff or something. Devils or wizards I call them, but what the deuce do I know? I’m just your average Jonny going about his innocent daily duties without a care in the world or an axe to grind. Well, when I say without a care, I’m exaggerating to a small degree or modicum even, because if I were to compare myself with the rest of the great unwashed (and as a rule I really don’t like to), I have to report that I’m in possession of the usual worries life bestows upon us all and the assorted headaches that accompany the former. I’ll leave it there though, as I don’t want some clever dickie starting to write to me like some awful agony aunty or uncle to boot.
To the game before we run out of writing pigment. But first, we turn to Achilles who you should know popped off his mortal coil, so it is said when he was in his mid-twenties. He may well have been a real Thessalian warrior, who became mythologised by his semi-literate people, but we’ll never know for sure. However, the cry in the Prince of Wales stadium was unmistakeable. ‘Achilles, Achilles, Achilles!’ the crowd thrice cried. Into the arena strode the said man (or one at least given this moniker by his pals – see attached piccie) in full wicket-keeping apparel. The first time in eight months he had been seen in any cricketing arena – and how missed had he been? (Probably not at all to tell you the truth!) Some wit, or was it gaby or guffin in the crowd shouted Hercules, but then a classical education is a rare
thing in such rustic and bucolic parts of the Empire! (Just ask Old Pritchers aka Wackers, the head of the nearest Dotheboys Hall)
Of course, anyone with an IQ over 23, knows that Hercules was the magnificent horse that pulled Steptoe & Sons’ cart many years ago. Yes, the more learned amongst you will have learned of his twelve labours in your history lessons. Even I, dusting off the cerebellum, remember his first one – Number one – Collect about a ton of rusty scrap iron from around Shepherd’s Bush and so on and so forth. But enough from the rhubarb triangle I hear you cry. But before I move seamlessly on to the willow and leather, I think that that mere mention of the triangle, is a sine of something or other. If I remember correctly from my own school days, when six of the juiciest was still considered to be good form, the sine is equal to the angle of the hippopotamus or something or other. I’m glad I concentrated hard in those unforgiving trigonometry lessons, with my slide rule twitching by my side, always at the ready for combat.
To the cricket I say. But again, I must delay and first turn to the Goblin Tree Society who publish for your scrutiny, a photo of a particularly angry looking tree. Perhaps the tree could foresee the result of tonight’s game. Well, dear reader a tree’s intelligence and psychic powers cannot be underestimated…
The Bayshill were on the plastic or in the field, before you could have read the preamble in this match report. Yes indeed, it was as quick as quick could be. Angus G and Adi R opened the bowling in the absence of Tom Liley who was sidelined by a rather nasty bilious attack. Angus went for 8, and Adi 7, but Rai had Lewis Cook caught out for 6 by his bowling partner Angus. 15 for 1 at the end of the second over. Angus’s second, the third over in all, saw Whitminster regain a bit of composure, with Ollie Greenweig and McGill his new partner put on 14, with a brace of firmly hit fours and a well-placed three. Adi’s next went for just 7 and it looked like the Bays had a reasonable grip on the proceedings.
Spiky Alex and Fran Stirrup not wicket keeping for the first time this season, with the keeping award stitched up and in the bag were the next pair of bowlers. Alex went for just the 5, with Fran being taken for 16, with two sixes, one each from Greenweig and Medcroft. More runs were added in the next two overs (11 & 10), with the score up to 78.
The next over saw the Bays take two wickets, Steve Liley stumping Lee Medcroft one-handed off a bouncer for 18 off Alex and then Horner running out Whitminster’s captain, keeper and number 6, Jim Hyland with a throw to Liley who removed the bails whilst turning 180 degrees. (See above trigonometry for help)
Nine overs gone and the score now a respectable 89. Fran’s third over was targeted well by returning opener Greenweig, before Fran exacted his revenge with Alex taking the catch. With the century passed in just 10, Hyland’s team pushed on. Adi bowled the penultimate over for 5 and Angus the same, but with two run outs as Whitminster accelerated towards the line. Rai and Stirrup completing the proceedings, with the fifth and sixth wicket, the latter falling on the very last ball and the score now up to 115. Throughout the innings, it must be
said, that lots of catching chances were given, but the ball seemed determined to avoid the Bays’ players, by bouncing in very unpredictable ways off the walls and ceiling.
Bays climbed to the balcony to strap on pads and other things in preparation for an assault on the mountain Whitminster had somewhat unexpectedly manufactured.
Things began to unravel quickly for the Bays however, with Horner caught on the last ball of the first over, with 7 on the board. Rai, chasing the highest run scoring trophy, scored the two he needed, but he also disappeared to the balcony on the last ball of over number two. (Alas, little did he know that Greensweig had overtaken the number of runs he needed with his knock of 45 in Whitminster’s innings)
Fran Stirrup and Alex Van Dyke moved the score along steadily, if not spectacularly between overs 2 and 8, with Stirrup retiring before the ninth with two maximums and three fine sausages (see previous reports for definition). Helliwell bowling over number nine took three wickets, which put the final nail in Bays’ rapidly deflating balloon, if you can put a nail in a balloon! Van Dyke, Liley and Guthrie all departed for 9, 1, 9 respectively. Fran faced Medcroft with just his wicket left in-tact, knowing that he had just 18 balls to achieve the fifty or so needed for victory.
Fran is a decent sort of chap and knew that the lads in the balcony were chafing at the bit to get into their chariots and head off to the Rotunda for a few bracers and a little stocious behaviour, so he did the decent thing and got himself out of this embranglement by being caught on the very next ball. Three cheers to him we say and indeed did so!
To finish, I feel I have covered the pertinent facts required, like the skin on a sausage and conclude this encomium, by saying the end is here, but for the presentation evening this Thursday evening. Sadly, this last Bays performance saw a potential clean sweep of awards for batting, bowling, fielding and wicket-keeping reduced to just the one trophy. Congratulations to Fran Stirrup for picking up the gloves and taking the Keeping award for Division Three with 7 stumpings and a couple of run outs. Fran is the first person in the club to win two awards from different categories. He now has one for Fielding and one for Keeping! We raise our glasses to you Fran! Pip pip old boy!