Having turned down an elevated position in Donald Trump’s new administration in order to retain his scribe duties for the Bayshill, Colonel Mustard returns to report on the club’s latest indoor match as leaders of Cheltenham Division Three. It just goes to show that there is good in the worst of us. Think on’t…
Hail my old grapefruits! I’m bally well still here and living proof that the Bayshill is in the process of being made great again. Saturnine rumours of the old Colonel here linking up with that well known anagram Elon Musk have been somewhat exaggerated. Now, getting back to the pithy content, I have to say that I’m not suggesting that The Bays has never been great before or that its greatness has tailed off a bit, but four indoor wins in a row is surely evidence of something or other. With a (non-political) rainbow about my shoulders I make no ‘amende honorable’ for waxing lyrical about the exploits of the mighty Bays in recent weeks.
In the cellars of the underworld there has been talk of course, linking the present success to all sorts of nonsense. Winston’s recent appointment as the club’s Honorary President has needless to say lifted the spirits of the rank and file and country members. (Remember them!) However, some of the nonsense being spoken in hushed words on the street, such as performance enhancing substances being used willy nilly by the players is to quote the Bard, ‘Absolute tosh!’ Indeed, other rumours circulating in the unlit back streets of old Chelters have jolly well made the quill-wielder’s blood here, boil with consternation. A lesser man, I modestly suggest, would have been rendered incapable of carrying on with this important literary assignment. Although I feel as though I’ve been socked behind the lughole with a well-stuffed eelskin, avid and dear readers, I won’t give in to the damn blighters, I do have my standards!
For this evening’s fifth match of the indoor season, I have selected no less than a covert feather, from in my humble opinion, the finest type available; that of an Egyptian Goose. Often referred to as ‘Mummy’s Quill, by sceptics,’ it corners well, especially when using script of ‘a local nature’ and is not that heavy on the old juice.
Now, I have to let you into a little secret regarding that flight feather being used for quill duty. It looked a little long in the tooth to say the least and if I’m perfectly honest, more like an antique feather plucked from said aforementioned goose some hundred years ago. When I first put quill to parchment something remarkable happened. Now don’t you dare doubt me, as nothing but Reuters corroborated facts line these reports from wall to ruddy wall. Lean a little closer and I’ll tell you, I’d whisper if I could, but its dashed difficult to whisper in written script, so I’ll write a little smaller in order not to get the attention of any blessed undesirables. Here goes.
The Egyptian quill wouldn’t write in bally English, but produced nothing but damned hieroglyphs. This may seem far-fetched, but it had been given to me by my old friend Lord Caernarvon just last week. Some of you may remember, that this blister was caught up in all that Tutankhamun jiggery pokery in the Valley of the Kings a little while back.
Since scratching out the odd scarab beetle (nb our resident beetle expert) on the bit of vellum I’d chosen for this report and then a modicum of twisted flax and so on, I realised that cricket reports were completely out of the question. Not only this, but it seemed that something else; something sinister was at play.
Firstly, the weather took a serious change for the worse – a chill as reminiscent of the interior of Tut’s tomb comes readily to mind. Second, Bays’ supporting snail, Sammy from Tewkers Sur-la-Mer was photographed giving the Bays the cold shoulder in his twisted shell-suit. To add to this there was the mysterious report of injury to Bays indoor stalwart Tom Liley. The message received didn’t make a great deal of sense though, indicating that his hamster had been hurt. Most odd.
Ah that’s better! I can think more clearly when writing in a larger script. To the game now without referring to the curse of Tutankhamun again. Before I do though, it is imperative that before the Bayshill’s AGM on Sunday, it is brought to the readers’ attention that Charlie the Chimp has been appointed Vice Honorary President to the Club by Winston, the current President. Outside on the pavement just in front of the Anglo Saxon edifice of Bayshill House a spokesman in tweeds and sporting a rather natty monocle read a brief report, that stated that Charlie the Chimp had been brought in, to add a touch of decorum and a kind of seriousness that the club has been lacking of late.
Meanwhile back in the real world, Alex had lost the toss to Civil Service CC captain and the team had been sent in to bat! Chris Horner still revved up from last weeks’ fish and chips, opened with Fran Stirrup. It all started so well for the Bays, with both players seemingly in the groove from the off. 6 runs became 16, then 31, then 41 in the first four overs of play. In the fifth over Chrissos was run out for 17 (off 19) by Lewis with the score up to 44. Steve Pritchard (out door captain) came in at three for his second indoor appearance this season. Only two further runs were added to the score, before Steve was stumped for a second ball duck. (The Egyptian Goose for information is actually more of a duck than goose, but this will not be much consolation for Steve P)
Could this have been the curse of the Egyptian quill? Get a grip now! Of course not.
Fran who had yet to be out this season, was caught the very next over for 23 (off 16) with two well-driven fours to his name. 56 for three now off seven overs. Alex Van Dyke was in now batting with number five, Angus Guthrie. Alas, the very next over the former was caught for just 3 off 6, with the score still 56.
Angus was joined by Steve Liley with 28 deliveries left and strangely, no retired batsmen in the balcony. This was unprecedented this season so far. Liley had a brief chat with Guthrie and it was clear that the aim was to bolster the score and try to bat the full 12 overs. Liley hit the wall on five consecutive deliveries at the start of his knock whilst Angus did similar. After 9 overs the score had crawled to 61 and after 10 just 65. A further 4 were added in the next, before Liley was run out for 10 (off 10) with the score up to 73. Angus as last man standing, added just a single before being bowled by Sugur for 8 (off 16).
The Bays were all out for 74 off 11.5 overs. Damage limitation at the death gave the bowlers a small figure to defend.
CCSCC began with a serious intent, taking 12 and then 16 off the first two overs. Alex bowling the first made four deliveries before taking himself off after a wide and then not releasing the ball in his delivery stride. (Not that curse – surely not?) Horner substituted at short notice. With the score on 33, Bates was sharply run out by Horner, throwing in from the corner for a direct hit.
Pritchard’s next over went for just two, but more importantly still, two wickets fell. Angus (fielder of the season) Guthrie had Lewis run out for 18 with a terrible batting mix up. Angus then caught Smith out for 2. Suddenly CCSCC were 39 for 3 after just 4 overs. The next two overs saw Sugur run out by Stirrup in another mix up and Sharma caught by Guthrie again off Pritchard.
Suddenly, the Bays were looking to take one wicket to win the game, with just Robinson batting. With a steady ‘income’ of singles punctuated by dots and quite a few wides, CCSCC were just over the line. The Bays never really had enough runs on the board and 18 extras they conceded, didn’t help their cause ultimately, although they’d hardly been licked to splinter. Even so, the earlier game in the evening had seen Birdlip and Brimpsfield also lose, meaning that the Bays are still atop the division two points clear.
The team in spite of their loss trickled down to The Rotunda for a well deserved sherbert or two. Were they down-hearted? Were they upset? Were they gnashing their teeth? The answer of course to these questions was a resounding No! So therefore, paste that in your hat and I’ll toodle of myself before eating that expensive artwork banana.
This is Old Moutarde signing off, feeling more or less of an onion, in spite of getting the bill for that banana!