Ivor Thurston exclusive on the St Agnes match:
Balmy hot weather, coupled with wildlife as exotic as the Bays players themselves propelled this game into the echelons of uncharted tropical southern seas. Cricket I hear you say, dear reader, and yes you strangely have hit the nail right on the button.
Nobby the Nobster, with tour fatigue setting in, lost the toss. A dereliction of duty the man in the street might say, but not the Bays. We know these things happen and know lesser mortals can screw things up with a ten pence piece. (Other coins available)
Horner and Liley S to open the batting – the original Virtual Pipe Smokers together, what possibly could go wrong?
Well, something did. St Agnes sent playground enthusiast Horner back clean bowled for 3, with the score on 8.
Kreuchen (the Kraken) joined Liley and with the score doubled Steve L went for 9 caught behind off a ball so high and wide it may have been travelling to a moon circling Uranus. What a loss, neigh, veritable calamity personally and teamily, if such a word exists, and I say modestly of course, it ‘Bloody well should!’
The capuchinno strode in and out again for a single before Alex (canoe boy) Van Dyke smacked a quick 14. Tom Liley lost the ball with a straight 6, as if knowing the best way was to stop playing altogether.
Huw Kreuchen aided by Stevek’s umpiring reached 8 (4), before Eve Saunders showed some resilience with 3 at the end. Bayshill were all out for 71 and the Earth’s axis of 23.5 degrees seemed slightly squiffy to say the least. A voice that echoed over the nearby pool called out in defiance. ‘A shag, a shag and thrice a shag!’ To which a local jovially replied, ‘You’re well and truly shagged!’
This of course, was not funny at all.
St Agnes, with chocolate cake and cheese and pickle sandwiches ready and waiting in the hostile sunshine, went into bat. The corners of the sandwiches had not even the chance of beginning to curl, before the runs began flowing like the paint on a Horner canvas.
Saunders, back from the outer reaches of the universe, decided to bowl some spinning deliveries, which were gratefully dispatched. Sam Hicks marched resolutely to 24 before retiring, but not before the score had climbed to an almost inevitable conclusion. Pierce bowled just two overs for 6, and Huw (now the Giant Squid) Kreuchen took 2 for 23.
Time was running out for the Bays with just ten or so runs needed. Sam retired to allow the others batting practice, before the last turn of the dye. Jamie Liley unexpectedly ran Harry out before he took two wickets, the first caught and bowled and the second clean bowled!
By crikey! These were golden moments for Jamie. His first run out, his first catch and first two wickets. Horner surreptitiously presented him with the match ball. Well done to him I say! Hip hip hurrah.
All right the game was lost, we’d played like a bunch of bananas in a sandstorm on a Wednesday in January, but who jolly well cares! I’ll tell you, dear reader, we don’t give a flying pomegranate for the result. Cricket is the winner!
The Turk’s Head’s pasties were excellent – well the veggie ones were. And by trousers of God himself, if you believe that sort of guff, the club bought everyone who’d travelled with the club a drink! Yes that’s right! Hurrah again!
Three cheers! Again and again.
So to the boat without further unnecessary ruminating. To be precise the singing.
Alex Van Dyke leading the Bays choristers, belted out a version of Bohemian Rhapsody which would have raised the hairs on the nape of his neck and indeed his mollusc-like moustache (slug of course – possibly sea cucumber). The chairman disapproved of the song as he can’t stand their material – not that he’s a republican or some such agitated.
The Scillonian Club finished the day’s proceedings and I’m bally well not going to say Hurrah again.
Hurrah!
Oh Bugger!
St. Agnes v Bayshill
Bayshill 71/10
Extras 15
Van Dyke A 14/16 2&0
Gav 2/0/6/3
Harry 3/0/10/2
St. Agnes 72/7
S Hicks 24* out
Indy 14
Kreuchen H 3/0/9/2
Kreuchen R 4/1/6/2
Liley J 3.1/0/8/2
Run outs: 1 Liley J
Catches: Liley J 1, Horner C 1, Pierce A 1.
BAYSHILL EXCLUSIVE – Mr Horner (VPS #2) Represents the Mighty Bays at the Scilly Olympics!
Colonel Mustard reports on damaging bowling tactics that has rocked the world of sport.
Gonadotrophic Bowling – Is this the end of cricket as we know it?
Controversy reigned supreme during the St Agnes game. Paul Saunders (recent urban spaceman) decided to employ tactics harking back to the body line test all those years ago. No he wasn’t bowling down the leg, he was trying something new and quite sinister and painful if truth be told.
Strangely though he wasn’t bowling just to intimidate the batsman, but the keeper as well. He should surely know that the keeper is on the same side as him. Well not only did he use his gonadotrophic ball three times in one over, but he managed to catch the keeper twice and the batsman once in the nether regions.
Things were all shook up to say the least! Still bouncing to be honest. No wickets were taken, so Saunders returned to normal bowling practices.
A spokesman outside Bayshill House said he regretted this dastardly bowling action, but said the club refused to endorse such practices and in fact accept that it exists at all. He finished by saying, if you catch it in the box, it’s a very private matter.
???
Chairman flies undone!
Ivor Thurston reports on shocking revelations on tour.
Flies here there and everywhere, but maybe nowhere at all. That was how it seemed outside the Turk’s Head all right.
The chairman was attacked by a cloud of disrespectful flies in a post match cataclysm. Adrian from Bromley copped a big one on his leg and it seemed that Scilly had become an insects paradise.
Chortling to himself, website supremo and firstborn of the chairman himself left the scene giggling, clutching a ticking stick. Oh what fun!
This article was sponsored by Ken Dodd and his DiddyMen. ?
Fraud on the Islands
by Colonel Mustard
I’m sorry to report he’s at it at again. Tourist of 10 years, the elusive Bromley Cobbler was caught juggling credit cards and avoiding payment once again. So many ‘hits’ have been made over the years and the TURK’S Head became the latest.
An elaborate cyber fraud – where the payment looked like it had been made, but the money was still resting in his account.
How does he do it?
What can stop him?
Where does he get these clever criminal ruses from?
Who knows?
(Jeepers my wallet’s gone – he’s at it again)
**ing hell! – how does he do it? More mysterious than the Scarlet Pimpernel…