Virtual pipe smoking is not a hobby to be taken lightly. First, there is the necessary equipment and secondly and arguably more importantly there is the ‘state of mind.’ My fellow reporter Dalton esq knows more than little about such activities, having in his time reported on the legendary athlete Tug Wilson many, many moons ago. This destructive athlete who of course never suffered the humiliation of defeat, in his black tights, was the cause of many pipe stems being clean ‘bit through.’ Reporters who saw Wilson’s exploits simply clamped their jaws together in amazement, to bite through the aforementioned stems! ‘Remarkable,’ I hear you, the sensitive and noble reader say.
So to the game! Captain Pierce destructive tosser of the highest order, once again chose correctly calling heads in honour of his long-reigning monarch!
‘We bat, we bat, we bat!’ he demanded of his players, before falling with fellow opener (& first rate virtual pipe smoker) Chris Horner almost immediately for just the one run each.
Alex Van Dyke then strode to the crease with just one purpose in mind, to smack a quick 25 and then retire to the pavilion for a refreshing glass of chilled paraffino! Exactly 25 he reached off 34, before leaving Tom Liley to gain 23 off the same number. Coupe, guest player went for a golden quacker! ?. Ajit Singh then added a rapid 21 off just 14, before the innings fizzled out somewhat. N Price suffered the same fate as Coupe ?, but at least he was out to Beer ?.
The Boat’s biggest concern was the runs they conceded from extras; a massive 44, including 33 wides!
In reply after a short break the Boat Inn began batting. However not before a wren had been spotted hopping around in a hedge on the far side of the field. ‘Troglodytes Troglodytes,’ came the piercing cry from the local and wholly incongruous housing estate, nestling on the side of the scenic village like an angry boil.
Chambers climbed to 25 before leaving the scene unbeaten. Van Dyke ran R Chamberlayne out sharply, but Cockburn R reached 26 without problem. The game was drifting away from the Bays, like a Viking longship with a broken steer board. All The Boat Inn needed was something like a run a ball in the last 4 overs (actually only 21). Enter Nobby and Tom Liley (one from either end) to complete the game. This was in modern day parlance, death bowling at its best.
Tom went for a miserly 10 runs and Nobby just six with a maiden and a wicket to his name. The game was over with The Boat just an agonising 4 runs short. A spectator wearing a long white coat over his black tights made the sanguine observation that Bays had only conceded 23 extras compared with The Boat’s 44. Going in to slightly more detail, he found that the Boat’s glove man conceded 6 byes and the Bay’s just the one! So he summised, the Bays keeper won the game single-handedly! The Bays keeper when asked about this refused to affirm or deny this supposition.
At this point my fellow reporter Dalton bit clean through his pipe stem.
A spokesman standing outside Bayshill House said he was not happy that the England football team had chosen to play their match a day before the important Bayshill game against The Boat, preventing much needed publicity for the club. He went on to say that his legal team were looking to see if there was anything they could do to prevent this sort of nonsense happening again. He concluded by saying this Sunday’s game didn’t coincide with any other sporting events of note, adding, ‘Cricket’s Coming Home!’
Bayshill 129/8
A Van Dyke 25/34 1&0
Liley T 23/23 4&0
Singh A 21/14 4&0
Dallman M 2/0/4/2
Chamberlain 2/0/12/2
The Boat Inn 125/6
M Chambers 25
R Cockburn 26*
Singh A 2/0/9/2
Pierce 2/1/6/1
Horner 2/0/9/1
Catches Coupe 2, Liley T 1.