The secret is now out. Bays tourists have been spotted, sporting natty purple touring shirts, which were kindly sponsored by Jason, landlord of The House in The Tree. We raise a glass or two to you Jason and wish The House in The Tree all the success it thoroughly deserves. (www.houseinthetree.co.uk)
Colonel Mustard ‘monocled up’ in safari jacket and pith helmet, waxes lyrical, on the latest overseas tour, undertaken by the mighty Bays! Before we unleash the Colonel however, readers must be made aware that many facts have been distorted beyond reason and an alarming number of untruths have been included. If you can pick your way through this intestinal maze of piffle, then, ‘You’re a better man than I am Gunga Din.’
Now, where shall I start? All those long years ago, I’d been out ‘Kipling’ on the Indian sub-continent, when I came across my first bull elephant. What in God’s trousers has this to do with cricket I hear you grumble unnecessarily? Well it’s absolutely central, nay pivotal to this Bayshill tour, dear reader. Let me explain to you. Early one morning, I had my trusty elephant and duck guns to hand, when this massive great mastodonic sod came lumbering into view, with a glinting evil eye and unpleasantly curled top lip. Now, without pause for thought, my training kicked in. I let rip instantly and luckily, by jove, fired my duck gun at the same time. Yes, dear reader it was the first time I’d dispatched an elephant in my pajamas and with a duck gun at that. How for the life of me, he had got into the blessed things, I’ll never know. Now, I guess that you’ll like to know, why it was called a duck gun. An answer as simple as most tourists in the party! When the bloody thing explodes, everybody ducks by Jove. Nothing more to it.
Now then, the similarities between that long forgotten safari and the Bays tour this year is unmistakeable. And for those number crunchers amongst you, who’d like to know which years the Bays have toured these parts, here they are 1985-1998, 2002-2007, 2009, 2011-2019, 2021-2022. (+ for the morbidly curious 2010 Isle of Man)
I hear you cry, ‘Enough of this sensible stuff, back to the frippery and procrastination without ado.’
With the captain of Scillonian III deciding to drive the perishing boat up and down and from side to side, it was inevitable that the players, like Elvis himself, were all shook up. Whether the lady captain had decided it served the players right, for wearing pith helmets on the boat, we’ll never fathom (nb Nautical reference). However, in Penzance the previous evening, many of the players had assembled for pre-tour libation and perchance the rare opportunity to spot their first chough. Admiral Benbow had obligingly offered drinks, as had the The Dock Inn and The Tremenheere, which as a Spoons, cocked a snoop at the Bays’ players, with low prices that were to contrast alarmingly, with those to be soon experienced on Scilly. Oh and then, how could the writer fail to mention, ‘Bus Pass Party’ of one Bays tourist. Adrian Liley, recently expelled from Bromley for being found in possession of a particularly nasty sink hole, toasted the Bays’s rude health in the Spoons, brandishing his bus pass and boasting that it would see him to all the ‘off-islands’ without having to trouble his bank account. Innocence can be a wonderful thing. but here it was just buffoonery of sorts. The tour was off and loping along, like a lanced and weeping sceptic boil.
But before we trundle down the leafy lane to tour central, we must return briefly to the vessel that is very kindly referred to as a ship. Heaving in the Atlantic briny, in the same way the players (or at least some of them) were, Scillonian III finally tied up at the dock of Hugh Town, capital of St. Mary’s. It’s a miracle it got there at all, with its flat bottom, stabilisers and numerous mustard stations.
Bayshill had assembled on St. Mary’s a team that would make the islands shake. In addition to the ‘old hands’ there were 2 new boys, shiny and bright and full of hope and expectation. Bearded Fran Stirrup (pith helmet wearer) and Toffee Chris(p) Wayman (pith helmet wearer). Also, there were the secret weapons of overseas players, flown in at massive expense. Olly Joris (Professor in Zoology – Erinaceidae specialist) and Dave Donald ‘We’ll make the Bays Great again!’ citizen on the US of A. How could things possibly go wrong?
But there were more players too. There was the flipper wearing website Supremo, Martin Van Dyke reprising his role from years before. That man goes through flippers* more quickly than Flipper the Priest himself. Also, Mr Van Dyke has recently taken up the hobby sky diving, but not from the sky, but from the pavement. Don’t forget Rory Niblett-Liley Esq back in the field and ready to slide tackle any ball coming near him. And Adrian Liley (Bus Pass Tewky Man) vowing to hit his first six and get that huge monkey (more of a gorilla really) that has sat on his back for more years than anyone can possibly remember.
So the pre-match blurb is finished and we’re ready for cricket I say by crikey! To the cricket, to the cricket. All four games of them….Let The Bays Entertain You!
*local term for flip-flops