This humble organ of the mighty Bayshill CC is delight headed to welcome the hubris wracked Colonel Mustard (or the Duke of Sussex in waiting, as he prefers to be called these days), back from his enforced ‘close encounter’ hiatus, to report on the very last game of the indoor season…
In a hectic fortnight, which had…
- The heavenly, but almost invisible Comet C/2022 E3 (ZTF) whizzing in the skies directly overhead
- Father Damo, from the zenith of all televisual feasts, that is of course ‘Father Ted,’ strutting his stuff at Cheltenham Town Hall.
- + The small matter of Valentine’s Day to consider. Would the players’ minds not be on the task in hand? (probably not the right expression, for a day given over to amour)
Bayshill incidentally, also played their arch rivals Cranham CC, for a last hurrah in Division Three’s final game. Even for the enthusiastic amnesiac, a most riveting couple of weeks to almost remember, I’m certain you’ll agree.
Avid readers will be rightly pleased to know that I, yes indeed I, survived a brief but daunting abduction by aliens. Letters of support and devotion, plus the mass of brown envelopes bursting with elastic-banded, bunches of old white fivers, stuffed with a taxidermist’s precision, behind the hall radiator at Bayshill House, are thoroughly appreciated by yours truly. But before I explain, I must inform you, that in the past, I’ve been dragged through the streets by the Bolsheviks and I’ve also had the misfortune to have been kicked heavily in the Gorbels. However, this new ‘Take me to your leader’ experience, was far worse than either of those other two, considerably more than close…ish encounters. And before you ask, I don’t mean illegal aliens, in the modern sense of the phrase, those chappies, who a generation or so ago, were referred to, somewhat more robustly, as gulp… illegal immigrants. Now please don’t take woke umbrage here and now, as this is neither the time or place for such facile and nimby pimby thought processes. No by Jove! I mean the real deal, the Steven Spielberg type; you know the sort, the ones with big droopy bloodshot eyes, dangly twitching crane fly legs, light-up fingers and massive glowing proboscises or hooters, to the likes of you and me.
So there I was, sitting bolt upright in the alien spaceship, waiting in vain, for the virus to infect all the little blighters’ flashing computers. When suddenly, I woke up with a jump, in an icy cold sweat, to realise, it was just another terrible dream and that the television police were once again forcing the entire populace, to watch ‘Independence Day,’ whether they liked it or otherwise. The shock of it all rendered me instantly immobile and therefore unable to write last week’s match report. Cold and palsied fingers were locked as tight as a clam’s barnacle encrusted shell, meaning all access to the keyboard was stymied for days on end.
Only the past Sunday evening’s foray, by the Bayshill CC Father Ted Appreciation Society into central Cheltenham, to see Joe Rooney aka Father Damo, alleviated the worst of the rampant symptoms. The club’s seven slightly inebriated cricketing Father Ted enthusiasts, left the event with T shirts, whistles, signed photos and other associated Father Ted paraphernalia after meeting for a few stiffeners beforehand at The Bank House. It was a case of…’Go on, go on, go on…’ well you get the picture and indeed some of the party did, signed ones at that. All this, and no hint of Mr Milky Milkman or rather Pat Mustard, aka ‘The Hairy Baby Maker,’ my long and very lost brother, who went feral in the Rantzen 1970s.
Now to the cricket no less. Not many cricketers I’d hazard a guess, will have heard of Moravec’s Paradox and to be quite clear about this, why should they? AI or Artificial intelligence (not to be confused with artificial insemination, which is somewhat different) is something that the modern day cricketer has no interest in, but then is that true? Hawkeye no less, has been around for a couple of decades now (No, not the Bays player) and we tend to accept decisions given, as accurate. These are decisions made by a computer using six cameras as evidence. Also, there are bowling machines now, which can emulate pace or indeed spin, to help the batsman to practise his shots.
How about a robotic batsman then? I haven’t seen one yet. Could a robot tackle Adi’s spin, Tom’s swing or Angus’ pace? Possibly, but we can’t be sure. Also, what about wicket keeping? Could a robot take the gloves and decide ‘Hawkeye’ like, on the trajectory and bounce of an indoor ball, when the ball disappears behind the batsman? Could a mere robot decide whether to take the ball in just the one Terminator glove or indeed both? Also, would the robot have the ability to ‘feel’ the ball? Could it decide once the ball is gathered safely in whether to remove the batman’s bails? The answer is currently a decided, ‘No!’ Remember also, that an outdoor leather cherry weighs 5.5 ounces and that an indoor compound plastic one, a whole ounce less. Could a robotic player cope with such a variation?
Importantly, ‘feel’ for robots, I can assure you, is a very difficult thing to master. Experts in the field (of Bayshill robotics not cricket) regard delicate touch as the final problem robots need to accomplish. Cricket balls may not be as fragile and delicate as mulberries, which are apparently the most difficult of fruits a robot may try to pick. However a flying ball demands the same higher skill when it is being plucked from the air. When a robot can finally pick a mulberry without reducing it to a bloody pulp, may be the time for human wicket keepers will have finished. Clearly, this proves without question that wicket keeping is the highest skill of all those, practised on the cricket field. How on earth did we come to that conclusion? But the facts are there fellow cricketers. Doubt it ye not!
So to the game. Well almost. Before the match started Jim Hyland let it be known that the previous day, one team in division 4 had failed to turn up, due to Valentine’s Day. Speculation was rife that the team, which can’t be mentioned here due to legal reasons, were ‘going out’ with each other. A donkey jacket wearing bystander noted sagely that in a few years, that this would probably be compulsory, when all teams would have to be registered as gender fluid. How things have changed!
Captain Horner, a man and nothing else, won the spin and elected to field; of course he did. Within minutes, Cranham must have realised that things weren’t going to go all their way. Tom Liley bowled the first over for just six runs which included a collector’s item wide down the leg, but there was a sense that Cranham might struggle for runs tonight. Adi Rai bowled the second that went for nine, starting with an uncharacteristic wide. Toms’ second over yielded just four, but saw Pete Edwards well run out by Fran (still in super hero mode) Stirrup. The score after three overs was 19 for 1. Father Bertie Van Dyke went for nine off his first over, followed by another tight Adi over, of just 3. After five overs Cranham were just 30!
Alex then suffered from the reaction to the low score. Cranham decided to target the Belgium Beer expert cruelly taking him for 22 off the six balls. Fran took the ball next and went for 11, to be followed by Alex, who recovered his composure to leak just a miserly three. 67 off 8 now and only four overs left.
Alex Pocket and Steve Benbow had retired by now, but Father Tom Liley had in the meantime removed Ben Nichol with a good under arm run out. In Fran’s next over Jeremy Strickland was well stumped by Father Steve the Abbot Liley (better than a robot and Father Damo whistle owner).
Fran had Tom Hopkins well caught and bowled and followed this with a further run out to his name. Cranham were losing wickets fast, but their score was just about defendable on a good day. The question was whether this was to be a good day?
Fran bowled what was to be the last over, with another run out of his own, the dangerous Pockett. Then, Steve Benbow having returned from the balcony, was stumped adroitly by Steve the keeper (much better than a robot). Fran, the most modest of men, completed the 92 run innings of Cranham with three wickets and two run outs and a catch. The team were still bemused that he had decided not to wear the red and gold mask and cape he had been seen wearing, when leaving after last week’s game.
Bays responded well to the task in hand, steadily taking 31 off the first 4 overs. A sensible and level headed approach. What could possibly go awry?
Father Chris the capitano, went for just 10 off 14 in the fifth over, caught by Strickland off Pockett’s bowling. His replacement Fran was soon joined by Father Alex HeinzVan Dyke after Adi had returned to the balcony with an unbeaten 26. Fran though, was caught and bowled off the slow lobby bowling of Strickland. Lobby bowling for those who don’t know their cricket, is bowling that is so slow, it could be executed in the lobby of a mid 1930’s semi-detached house in the boring red or grey brick Midlands area.
Father Tom Liley (also a Father Damo whistle owner) started sensibly and with Alex moved the score upwards to 80, before Alex was caught and bowled by Edwards. Father of Father Tom, Father Steve joined aforementioned Father Tom to take a single off the last ball of the 11th over. The older Father wanted to take three, but was sent back to the crease by the younger the Father. In the last over, looking for the back wall, Tom managed two singles, with the concrete blocks defended well by Cranham. 82 for 3 off 12 and that was it.
The Bays had lost, but overall it has been a good season for the club. Tonight, the game was lost due to over use of the drive for the back wall. Some great drives, but many fielded leaving the score somewhat static. The Bays must remember the word,’ Sausages’ as they have provided the sensible guidance to previous victories. Why ‘Sausages’ I hear you, the naive and tender reader cry. Well the answer is as simple as you could imagine. Cauldron snakes, as the Vikings called used to call them, are most famously made by the company Walls. If you seek a win, seek out the walls gently and rotate the strike.
However, this season, there have been many runs off the players’ bats, lots of wickets, many examples of good fielding, fielding wickets and stumpings aplenty.
The Rotunda provided the venue for post match drinks. Season 22/3 was over and the Bays had finished third, with 5 wins and 5 loses. The mighty Beige is more than a cricket club, it is the Yin and Yang of the Universe. How dare you, I heard that muffled aside. Oh yes it is!