Once again, the Colonel (of the Mustard variety) was happy to report on the Bayshill’s most recent encounter in the Indoor League with rivals Cranham. Well, when I said he was happy, I am I’m afraid to convey, slightly exaggerating. He was in fact somewhat disparaging and a trifle curmudgeonly or even brusque if you like. Further to this, I’m saddened to tell you that he’s mysteriously disappeared once more and as such, wasn’t actually available to write a report for us at this time (even though I’m sure he was as keen as… well you know). Criminal investigations of a most serious nature are now currently being undertaken by several police forces, into whether the Colonel is implicated in none other than the Lord Lucan scandal.
All I can manage to say here, on behalf of this mighty organ, is that the precise three Cluedo cards that were mysteriously found in Mustard’s old Ford Corsair, were of the Colonel himself, looking remarkably Lucanesque, The Lead Piping and The Hall. Readers of The Thunderer or The Times no less, will be aware of the murder of Lucan’s nanny in the family home’s hallway in 1974, bludgeoned I’m afraid to repeat, with a lead pipe. (See photo attached) Now, it has come to light that the very same three cards mentioned above were missing from Lucan’s own set of Cluedo cards. Readers of The Times and indeed the Bayshill website will want to know, first rather startlingly, whether Colonel Mustard is in fact Lord Lucan himself and secondly whether the disappearance of these cards, is prima facie evidence of a premeditated plan by Lucan (or dare I say it Mustard) to murder the nanny in his employ. The editor of this organ categorically states that no man is innocent until proven guilty. Now without further ado, I hand over to our stand-in (and very expensive) reporter, Ivor Hugh J Thurston to write something sensible for a change. He has asked that in the absence of the Colonel, that we issue a warning requesting that Stupid People do not venture beyond this point. (See photographic warning)
Reporting on cricket isn’t something to be taken lightly by any hack, especially when you’re paid by the word. First and most importantly, some would say, that you have your bank balance to think of and then secondly, the audience or readers if you like, to consider. Do you, the writer, want to relate the real goings on in a cricket encounter, as it actually happened, or do you wish to portray a more sanitised, cuddly, through rose-tinted spectacles version, to please the sensitive and possibly woke reader of today. Then again, you have the quality of the bumf you’re writing, to examine carefully, for spelling mistaks or tipos or repetitions or repetitions. If you’ve left out a comma, misspelt sumthing, then you know full well that the ‘know it all’ readers will be on your back like a group of aggressive blood-sucking limpets, if there are such things. Then, on top of all these considerations, there is the scrupulous all-seeing ‘Sauron-like eye’ of the website supremo, to take into consideration. If Old Moutarde for example, dares to make a controversial comment or daring innuendo that might offend some delicate little ‘snowflake,’ then the supremo clearly has a duty to remove all such said comments from the website and castigate the heinous offender, who I’m jolly well not going to refer to again by name here. (I don’t want to incriminate Mustard in any further mire or controversy, so early in a report.)
Now, those of you who have a musical bent and I know some of you do, having heard the bellowing or singing on the Scilly tour boats, will know that the celebrated local composer, Gustav Holst lived for a short while in the village of our opponents today, Cranham, in what is now ‘Midwinter Cottage.’ A strange name for a building, considering it spends only a quarter of a year in that season! However, as Colonel Mustard (font of all knowledge and miscellaneous trivia) informed me a little while ago, there is a strange Cotswold / Lake District connection between Cranham and (tourist infested) Grasmere and one which all readers will have been aware of, but possibly not actually have realised. For the discerning Bays cricketer, Mr Van Dyke of the A variety, it’s not the fine gingerbread made by Sarah Nelson in the hamlet of Grasmere, most associated with wordsmith William Wordsworth, but simply a Christmas carol by a lesser-known writer; a member of the pre-Raphaelite brotherhood, Christina Rossetti,* who was also the brother, to the celebrated painter Dante Gabriel Rossetti. Next month, many of you will be singing ‘In The Bleak Midwinter,’ with a tear in the corner of your eye. If this match had been a tad closer to the Yuletide festivities, we could have politely asked Cranham to supply us with a rousing rendition of this, surely their favourite carol before the game. In reply, in a sort of Haka sing off, the Bays not to be outdone would naturally have been able to reply with a song of their very own, ‘The Banana Boat Song,’ as described so assiduously last week by the now sadly missed Colonel or dare I suggest, Lord. I’m not sure though, that banging on about the tally man would have qualified it as a Christmas carol, but then again who cares? I certainly don’t.
To the game, to the game…
But before we saunter down Cricket Way and have time to say, ‘Well Hello!’ perhaps we should pause for the briefest of moments and think about singing an alternative carol on this the day, after the passing of one the Bays’ favourite actors. Ding Dong Merrily on High, perhaps seems in the circumstance, the most appropriate of all carols, with the sad demise of Leslie Phillips the day before yesterday. Unsubstantiated rumour has it, that several senior players of the Bays have based their behaviours, manners and language on Mr Phillips’ ground-breaking philosophy on life. Players on both sides, the umpires, the thousands of supporters in the rubbish-filled balcony, all wearing black silk armbands, stood solemnly for a full minute in complete silence before the game, to show respect for the passing of this great national icon. It was then a case of, not, ‘Well Hello!’ but one of, ‘Well Goodbye!’ and then to the game. Yes the game in case you’d forgotten. No further detours dear reader, please! You really shouldn’t lead me astray.
In the balcony there was talk for the second week running of whether the Bays were to play with just 5! Fortunately, Chris ‘on the mend’ Horner, plugged the gaping hole and returning to captain the team. He lost the toss though, with his now not so trusty 20p coin. So it was that the Bays were told to go and bat by Cranham and jolly well umpire at square leg to boot. Ajit Singh (who forgot his box for the second week running) and Chris H opened the batting. Things went awry pretty quickly for the Bays, when Chris was caught for just a single off 5, most uncharacteristically, it had to be added. Adi, meanwhile smacked the 5th ball he faced for six, clearly showing his intent. The second wicket to fall was that of number 3, Ajit, who also fell for just the one run, being stumped.
Sixteen runs after 3 overs and 2 wickets down. Alex Van Dyke next in, faced just six balls for his 8 runs, being caught by Whalley off Overs bowling. The Bays were now 23 off 4, for 3. Number 5, Steve Liley faced just the five balls, driving for the back wall. He made the one four before top edging a catch to Whalley once more. Tom Liley replaced the other Liley, but after just a single, was bizarrely run out at the non-striker’s end. Adi drove strongly for the back wall, only to hit the bowler’s foot, which diverted the ball onto the stumps for a very fortuitous and uncalled for run-out. Adi passed 25, but with no partners left finally was caught by Hopkins off Overs. The Bays made a miserable 53, off a ball shy of eleven overs.
In reply, Cranham batted steadily to make sure nothing would deprive them of victory. Tom Liley bowled 2 overs for just 7 runs and Ajit the same for 15. A little while later, it was 22 off the first four, which would have been a great start in normal circumstances. Hopkins S (10) was sharply stumped by Steve Liley off Alex Van Dyke, but by then the score was 37/1 off 7 overs. Pockett retired 26, before Strickland (17) and Hopkins T (2*) got Cranham over the line in the eighth over.
The Bays had lost their third game on the bounce, but the positives were first, Adi’s 31 off 32 with a four and a six, Tom Liley’s three overs for just 14, Steve Liley’s stumping which provided yet another wicket for Alex Van Dyke.
In the parallel universe Mustard happened to mention last week, I have been informed by him (in a top secret treble-encrypted WhatsApp message), that the Bays registered yet another win and now are top of their table. Well done to them we all say!
* Christina Rossetti was also known for her narrative poem of 1859 entitled ‘Goblin Market,’ which explores the activities of goblin merchants. As some readers may be aware, this organ of the Bayshill, has a great interest in the nefarious activities of goblins and indeed their holy** trees.
** A holy tree is not a tree that has been blessed, or a holly tree that has been misspelt, but is in fact a Goblin Tree with a hole in it. There are some remarkable examples of these trees if you look for them, in the county of Gloucestershire. For reference, including maps for locations, see the weighty and highly detailed tome entitled, ‘The Trees of Goblinshire’ by Arbuthnot Sennep Quercus Robur.
(I hope the reader noticed that there was not even the slightest reference to Abbot ale in this report)