The Colonel, after being summoned at very short notice by our Honorary President Winston and his rather mischievous sidekick Charlie Chimp, is now ready to report on the Bays’ latest match. Charlie in his infinite (monkey) wisdom, decided that match reports were becoming a little too repetitive in their nature. Moreover, he suggested, between loud outbursts of wild chimpish gibberings and quite some banana scoffing, to old Mr Mustard Man here, that he should go off and read a little of Herbert and Mary Tourtel’s finest creation, in order that he may spice things up a bit. (It must be made clear at this somewhat untimely hiatus that Charlie Chimp knows less than nothing about cricket and spends his life enthusiastically picking his nose, leaving indelible stains on carpets and reading as many 1930’s Annuals as he can get his grubby mitts on)

Well here goes me old fruit pies. If this is what the bally punter wants, then this is what he’ll get! (There are other genders available – and I don’t damn well, want cancelling all over again!)

I’ve never been asked before to write in rhyme,

it takes up too much, of my time.

To think of words that end the same,

it’s not just cricket; it’s not my game.

When Charlie Chimp, said, like Rupert write,

I considered him somewhat trite.

But when told things, I must surely do,

I do them well, with a Toodle Loo!

Now I’m not talking, of Rupert’s dad,

in his time, a right old lag.

Or his mother, who without a care,

spawned, an anthropomorphic bear.

In check trousers, yellow and bright,

to most who see him, a gaudy sight.

But before I continue, in this vein,

I think I should, to you explain.

Held here, a cricket game tonight.

inside regal hall, now lit bright,

T’was a match between, Birdlip and

That, jolly old Bayshill band.

Not in the league; a knock-out game,

triumph great……………

Well, I’ve had enough of that nonsense! Charlie Chimp can place his blue-jumpered Rupert books where he so desires, but I’ll not be going down that tortuous and grisly winding path again. To the game tonight, without any hint iambic of pentameters, the slightest whiff of spondees, or indeed trochees or that foul creature, that is the amphibrach. There’s enough stress (little joke there) in these match reports, to give the reader PTSS, without asking such wholly uninvited guests, to take their place at this particular banqueting table.

For the third game running, the Beige took to the plastic with a different set of players. It’s not that easy it seems, to have any consistency when the festive season is upon us. Chrissos H, Campari drinker, VP number two and indoor captain was unavailable, having shot off to London to see St. Nich or Father Christmas; something he does every year at around this time. Tomos Liley, Deya afficionado and ex Bays captain, was also reported to be elsewhere, still looking for his problematic hamster, which had been reported to, ‘Have gone!’

Of the regular indoor miscreants, only the returning Alex Bertie (Beetle expert & ex-captain) Van Dyke, Fran the Man (Scilly Tourist of the Year and I report in hushed voice – bat whisperer) Stirrup, Steve the Stumper (VP number 1 & ex-captain) and Angus Guthrie, (Bays Most Improved Player ’24 & Indoor Fielder of the Year 24/5) were available and in the line-up.

Steve Pritchard’s (Old Pritchers to his many and adoring fans and friends – current outdoor captain and remarkably by all accounts, still in the murky pedagogical world of work) shoulder had remarkably seemingly given the Bays the cold shoulder, as bowling was, ‘definitely ruled out.’ Rodders Macleod (Caledonian and official Key-holder to Bayshill House), who played in last week’s successful rout of Whitminster, had mystically become unobtainable, presumably due to the high-sided valleys in the Highlands cutting off his Wifi reception, or possibly the signal to his Nichola Sturgeon Sim card etc. Alternatively, he may have misplaced his phone, or possibly misplaced his car and his phone with it, or misplaced the keys to his car, with no doubt his phone…and so on. Such are the trials and tribulations of having to commute from near the shores of Loch Ness, or even possibly the musically challenged, bonny banks of Loch Lomond. Or perhaps that monster had? No, no, no, that’s just being downright silly and the sort of wild speculation that Charlie Chimp in his official capacity is trying to ruthlessly cut out.

Before the match report, the 2 other players in the team for this quarter-final game, were as they say on that awful televisual dancing programme, ‘in no particular order,’ Steve and Steve. That’s right, to contradict the previous paragraph’s detailed information, I have the important duty to inform you, the confused reader, that Steve P was back in the frame after all and in spite of his rotating cuffs, ‘raring to go.’ The other Steve mentioned, the far more sensible of the two, was also raring to go, that Steve being of the Twine persuasion.

To the report, with no further twaddle, unnecessary padding or ridiculous persiflage. Charlie Chimp’s sensible wishes are indeed my command. You see dear reader, I am a lowly insignificant and most humble slave, who dances to the merest of whims and fancies of this mighty club. Now, I’m not getting my old Stradivarius out and making some awful screechy racket, I’m just painting a clear picture of the simian, nay chimpish goings on at the club.

With the same Elizabethan ten bob coin used last week to such good effect, Alex as this evening’s captain, won the toss and put the Bays into the ‘approximate cuboid’ to field. Steve Twine and Angus Guthrie opened the bowling for the Bays and after 2 overs each the score had crawled to 24. Jake Bidmead and Brad Jacques facing exactly one over of each bowler, with 11 and 15 to their names accordingly. Alex, by necessity bowling tonight, went for 13 in his first over, but even so took the wicket of Jacques, with a brilliantly taken diving catch, by who else, but Guthrie. Fran Stirrup, bowled down the next for eight to be followed by a 14 run over off Alex. After 7 overs the scoreboard read 59/1.

Fran continued against number 3 bat Aaron Bennett and saw 11 runs added to B&B’s total. The first ball of Alex’s last over went for a single, but saw Bidmead depart to the balcony unbeaten on 25. At the end of the over, just four had been added, leaving the hilltop team on 77 for 2, as Stirrup during this over had snaffled Smith’s wicket for 2, having run him out. Bennett attacked Fran’s next over, pushing B&B’s score onwards and up to 93. Hanco and Williams attacked the returning Guthrie’s last over, plundering 12 runs. The last over bowled by Steve Twine understandably went for 14 as Birdlip and B continued to press to make their score as competitive as possible. Their innings concluded on 120, with 5 byes and 15 wides, making extras exactly one sixth of their score.

Fran and Old Pritchers opened for the Bays, with 5 coming off the first over bowled by Brad Jacques and then 13 off Paul Smith. At this untimely hiatus, the writer has to introduce a tiny tad of information that may possibly cloud the reader’s (note the indication of singular there please) view on cricketing statistics and indeed spot-betting. Old Pritchers in his first two indoor batting outings for the Bays had produced only joy for the men behind the stumps. Was it possible he could obtain an unlikely and indeed unwanted hat-trick of early doors stumpings?

The remaining three Bays batsmen in the balcony collectively gasped as one, when Old Pritchers’ bails were summarily removed, with the precision of a surgeon removing that which I dare not report on here. Yes, he was so far out, that I’m surprised Elon Musk hadn’t spotted him in the outer regions of the atmosphere. But before I relate this sad tale further dear reader, the all-important finger in the rabbit hutch attached to the side of the hall hadn’t been raised. Old Pritchers was still in! The doubting Johnnies in the balcony must have collectively seen it wrong. Light, as any decent Physics teacher (ask the Hawk – Hawkeye) will tell you, can bend like a banana, meaning that when Pritchers appeared to be three feet in front of the line, when the bails flew, he was in fact just behind it and safe as houses. How silly the balconied cricketers felt at being so fundamentally wrong in their myopic childish judgement.

Four overs down and a healthy 47 runs on the scoreboard, without the hint of a wicket, apart from, well we’ll leave that alone now, I think. The very next over saw Fran (21/12/0/2) clean bowled to the dismay of the batsman and those in the balcony, who thought it yet another aberration of light and so on. Alex, went the next over, caught for 7 off 8, with the Bays starting to look vulnerable to a loss and an early session in the pub. Pritchers had retired at around this point (in cricket only I hasten to add) with 26 off 19 and two fours and a six to his name. A fine knock indeed in the circumstances!

Meanwhile, Angus Guthrie pushed the score along, whilst Steve L joined him for a brief 2 off 5 (run out), to be followed by Steve W who made 2 off 9, being caught and bowled by Hancox. With one over left the Bays were well short on 93. Guthrie finished with a fine flourish of a four, with the Bays on 101, some 20 runs adrift. Well done to B&B and good luck against Dumbleton in the semi-finals.

Naturally, the Rotunda was visited post-match, but a quieter evening was had than usual. Perhaps, it was the thought of Bays’ Christmas drinkies in the Sandford Park Alehouse on Saturday that restrained the imbibing activities. (See pic)

Well done to the Bays’ attendees on Saturday’s Christmas drinks evening: Chris Horner, Alex Van Dyke, Steve Liley, Steve Twine, Tom Liley, Steve Pritchard & Peter Van Dyke.