Colonel Mustard apoplectic after last night’s match relates in full detail the gory horror of Bays’ latest outing with Birdlip & Brimpsfield.
“Chairman,” I said, “may I speak frankly?”
“Certainly, sir.”
“What I have to say may wound you.”
“Well, then—“
No — wait. Hold the line a minute. I’ve gone off the rails.
I’m wholly unaware if you the blessed readers have had the problem when telling a tale, of starting it in a properly wholesome and understandable manner. Well, you really mustn’t go wrong, because, one false step and you’re jolly well sunk. If you fool about for an age at the beginning, trying to establish the correct atmosphere and all that sort of guff, you fail to grip the expectant eyes of your avid readers and before you know it, the paying customers have left their two & thrupenny seats and toodled off to some ale house or other for entertainment of a considerably different nature.
If in contrast, you get off the mark like a scalded cat or indeed the Bays’ players jostling to get into The Mermaid after 3 hours on The Stomach Pump*, the readers will be at a total loss. Never mind raised eye brows, the blighters won’t know what the Dickens you’re blithering on about.
In the beginning of this report on the Bays’ latest disastrous match, with the above spot of dialogue, I see quite clearly that I’ve made the second of these two floaters.
Right ho then, I shall marshal the facts now and plough on like Jeremy Clarkson’s sidekick down on Diddly Squat Farm.
But before I do, I must tell you about the AGM that occurred this last Sunday. Nothing of major significance happened, but in order to satisfy the inquisitive nature of those reading, a small summary is attached for your delectation.
But to the game first. Bays won the toss of the coin and as per usual elected to field. Tom Liley and Al Wyman bowled the first three overs for 23. Tom went for just the one and then seven in his second over, with Al going for 14 in his first over. Alex Van Dyke and Rod MacLeod took over the bowling duties for the next four overs, with runs starting to build and still not a wicket in sight. Bays’ fielding seemed a little under par, with a catch dropped and some ‘interesting’ overthrows. Alex once again bowled in a Hyde and Jekyll manner. Five wides in his first over which went for 12, before the fur on his hands had quite disappeared and the wides with it. Rod went for 14 in the fifth over, before Alex now bowling accurately on the sticks was hit undeservedly for as many as 19. The next over saw Rod go for a mere three, which included a single wide, bringing the score up to 71 without loss off 7.
Al Wyman returned to go for 10, but he also managed to run out K Blackburn who had just managed a single before departing. Holder and Jacques by this stage had already retired to the safety of the Prince Willy’s filthy balcony. Bidemead and Hancox thought that this a good strategy as well, building the innings steadily. Alex returned for his final over and went for just five before Rod managed a dot ball, but suffered five threes in his last over, with the score now 101. Wyman then also was hit for five threes and finished his last over for 18. Tom bowled the last over for twelve, seeing Burt run out by Alex Van Dyke for a quacker! B&B posted 131 and must have been a little grateful for the help given by the Bays.
In reply, the Bays made steady progress in the first four overs, bringing the score to 31 without loss, but leaving 101 to be made in the last eight. Chris was out caught Burt, bowled Hancox for 15 off 16 balls in the fifth over. In the sixth over Wyman retired with a four, to be replaced by Alex VD, who clearly wasn’t in the mood to take singles. With nearly 90 needed off the last seven, he blasted his first ball for four and second for six, but the next was his undoing , caught by Burt off Blackburn. Tom replaced Alex, but went for just 2 off five, before Rod played a bizarre innings that yielded 9 off 11, including Rod’s first ever indoor (or even outdoor) six. Fran meanwhile had made his 25 and retired off something like 15, with four well struck fours and a six. Al Wyman back in with Rod now, faced 5 further balls without scoring before being caught off Blackburn’s bowling.
The overs were finished and the Bays had amassed 97 runs, being some 35 short of what was required. B&B had worked out the Bays’ ‘Blast, Blast and Blast’ tactic by the end, putting all their fielders except for their keeper behind the umpire. In Bays’ twelve overs of batting, they only ran four threes all night and had many a good drive for the back wall fielded well. If some of these had been dabbed on the side wall for three, who knows how close they could have got. B&B, in stark contrast, ran as many as 22 threes, which amounts believe it or not to just over half of all their runs.
Returning to my above introduction, I think I’m fully back on the rails. What I was about to say to the Chairman was, “Don’t you by jingo, think the Bays got it all mixed up tonight?”
“Probably my man,” he replied, !they seem to have temporarily forgotten the old indoors Bays’ mantra of ‘Sausages.’
“Indeed they bally well have!” I offered, “Remember, when all is said and done, ‘Walls, Walls, Walls’ might be just a tad better than ‘Blast, Blast, Blast!’
*The Stomach Pump is the affectionate name for Scillonian III, the boats that plies it was from Penzance to Hugh Town on St. Mary’s.