Colonel Mustard finally returns to Bayshill CC reporting duties, having located and turned the brass doorknob on the hyperbaric chamber to facilitate his escape.
AI has a lot to answer for. I’m not sure you, the esteemed reader of this organ, was aware of the fact that it was used to write the first match Bayshill report this season and I must say that I don’t like it. Clever yes, but undoubtedly, as yet, a crude tool and one that in time, could see the end of proper erudite reporting. AI, as I’m sure you know, stands for Artificial Intelligence and like Artificial Insemination (also AI) is, it has to be said, very clever indeed. The difference between Real Intelligence and Real Insemination and their artificial counterparts, is that it both the latter ‘do the job required,’ but with no enjoyment. The writer, serious for once, considers ‘the thinking machine’ as a device for creating increasingly bland, non-threatening, politically correct material that will surely bore the pants off anyone, with a bit of spunk!
‘What about Real Madrid? I hear you ask. Now, you’re just being downright silly. There is no Artificio Madrid, everyone knows that. It’s Athletico Madrid and nothing else. You really must be more sensible or I’ll not allow you to read on. Steady now.
Talking of spunk and I hasten to add that I don’t usually like to, I feel I must report on the progress of Bays’ skittles team, ‘The Cricketers.’ Earlier in the week, the chosen six registered their third win on the bounce, in the Indoor Skittles League ’23,’ in spite of the surprise or shock really, of an uncalled for and somewhat dishevelled beaver! There it was, just for a few seconds, for all to see, shamelessly on the alley, flaunting itself with absolutely no decorum whatsoever and it will remain as an horrific ‘X-rated’ vision, permanently scored, scorched, burned even or pyrographed (if there is such a word) into the other players’ rods and cones, never to be forgotten. Chris Packham and his naturist friends would no doubt have made a Springwatch Special on this beautiful example of Castor fiber, if they’d been so clever as to have set up their traps and cameras on the Somerset Levels or more precisely their scatological Somerset alley.
Back in the real world, (away from all this artificial nonsense) the Bays’ cricket team were looking for their third win in a row, just like the skittles team with their beaver and its pricy castoreum. Could they win? Could they produce their own bit of beaver action? Well read on my noble friend and find out!
Bibury is known mainly for its fourteenth century cottages that together form the picturesque Arlington Row. Today, it is almost as equally well-known for the monumental numbers of oriental tinned-tourists that are dropped off there, to take a quick grinning or pouting selfie, before alighting for the metropolis of Stratford upon Avon and an audience with the Bard of oldie worlde England. But enough of this background jiggery pokery. We’re not here to lend anyone our ears, so to the cricket I say.
Now before the report on the game is included, it must be reported that the captain summoned his troops for a Thursday morning ‘blow-out breakfast’ in Morans. Did his men respond to his summoning trumpet? Well of course they didn’t. Instead Cheltenham College ground was the venue for the meet-up.
So the game at Bibury began with a Bays batting display not to be sniffed at. Openers Pierce (ex captain) and Pritchard (current captain) set about the Bibury attack in slightly a different way. After 9.3 overs the first wicket, that of Steve P was to fall and the score up to a respectable 56. Pritchers preaches, ‘get a move on’ cricket thank goodness and his 34, with five fours and a six shows that the new cappuccino, by Jove, practises what he preaches. Nobster holding the other down, was up to 12 by now. AJ, recently returned from a Dodo hunting expedition in Mauritius, replaced the dismissed lachrymose captain and began the innings of the game. When the Nobster left, with just three added to his score (15) off 35 with a single four, there were already a further 25 on the score; 81/2.
Chris Wayman uncharacteristically went for just a single, caught and bowled by the unforgiving Heaven. His replacement, last week’s captain, was tragically dismissed for a quacker off six deliveries. Young Jamie Liley, a day after his fourteenth birthday, celebrated with a four off his first delivery. Alas, the next ball was a dot and then Jamie was clean bowled by Heaven, his third wicket in 12 balls or so.
Steve Liley in at seven was not to go the way of Heaven, but still departed anyway, after just a brace of deliveries to a kind of cricketers’ purgatory instead. AJ moving the score along steadily, called for a quick single and that was it! Setting off for a quick bye, I seem to think, Liley’s Achilles tendon snapped and he was down and gone. The attached photos give just a touch of the visions and from that point on.
In his delirium, Liley reported later that even the new captain had commiserated with him regarding the injury, but nevertheless maintained his dislike of the Colonel! How dare he? It’s always the truth that hurts, but on this occasion it was Liley’s bally leg that hurt just a tad more. Tom Liley, the replacement Liley model, did exactly what the supine Liley had been trying achieve. Tom bludgeoned a worthy 37 off 18 with five juicy fours and a couple of whopping sixes. At least that’s what the book says. Unfortunately, Mr. Mustard man was then called away at short notice. Why he had to leave the pitch we’ll never know of course. Liley had been driven away from Heaven and his team to the hell of two hospitals in the one evening. Could it get worse for him? Well let’s just say that at 8 the next morning he was back in hospital number two, starting from scratch…
AI generated completion of match report…
AJ retired on 74 with eleven fours and one six, with Paul Saunders adding a late 17 not out to the total, before the Bays were finished for a total of 219.
Tea comprised Lamprey sandwiches with lashings of Dodo beer.
Bibury’s innings was throttled by the Bays’ bowlers, who restricted the home side to just 131, dismissing every single one of them.
Highlights included Angus Guthrie’s four wicket haul for just 16 off six overs and Jamie Liley’s 3 wickets for just 12 off 4.2 overs. Now, don’t think that the best teacher in the squad
was to be left out. Chris Thorp (no E) was at it again, taking a further two wickets for 34 off his six overs, of blistering eye-watering pace.
Stand-in, stand-up wicket keeper, Alex Van Dyke, did the decent thing, getting a stumping in honour of his fallen comrade. The last post drifting across the outfield, from a First World War bugle was a nice touch, but completely unnecessary in the circumstances. Tom Liley also took a wicket in the rout of old Bibers.
Bayshill 219/9
Pritchard S 34 26 5 1
AJ 74 53 11 1
Liley T 37 18 5 2
Heaven 6/0/36/3, Eastbrook 4/0/28/2
Bibury 131 all out
OJ Hebab 32
Guthrie A 6 2 16 4
Liley J 4.2 2 12 3
Thorp C 6 0 34 2
Liley T 3 0 8 1
Catches: Wayman C 1, Stumpings: Van Dyke A 1