Readers will be sorry to learn that Colonel Mustard has again been struck down with a prolonged case of the vapours and unfortunately Ivor Hugh J Thurston is unavailable due to being forced to go on holiday in Skegness. As you would expect, this mighty organ has been able find a replacement at short notice. At huge expense the young lady reporter, Titussa Newt has been called in for this week’s match report. Titussa is a newly qualified 1st Class Hons graduate of Jounalism from the very prestigious University of Lanchester based in the cultural hot spot that is Coventry. Yes, indeed my friends, Titussa is up to speed with all issues of the day and is more woke than the dawn chorus; he/she/it understands the use of language (particularly pronouns) in the modern day and this, I’m pleased to report is her/his/its/their very first assignment………………………………….and most probably her last (Ed)
So, I got this job like and it was so, you know, like, I was doing a real job, like in the real world. So, now, I’m writing this report on the Bays, you know, like, from the thinking in my brain, like, you know. So, here is the report, like on what happened like.
So, the team like, is a load of like, literally white men like, playing literally like, a middle class sport like. So, it’s not right that they don’t literally allow, like others to take part like. So, they just like literally haven’t got any others to play from minority groups, like women, or disabled people like, that doesn’t make it right, like. So, I literally mean what about all gay people like and the millions of literally transgender people like, who literally want to play for the Bays, but literally aren’t allowed to, like. It’s so, like, it’s not right like. So, where are these under-represented people like? They’re literally all over the BBC, literally like a rash like and literally in all the adverts on the telly, like. So, it’s so literally, not real like, that they literally think they’re literally having fun like at these people’s expense like. So, like on my course like, where I literally learnt so much about everyone’s rights like, they’re literally banning Shakespeare and Chaucer like, cos they cause offence, literally to so many people like. So, those old writers literally wrote a long time ago like, I’ve literally heard. (I’ve literally been warned like about literally reading it like, as it may literally cause me upset like and then I’d literally need counselling like) It’s literally about real people like, which literally is so uncool, who literally didn’t understand like, it’s literally offensive to literally oppress others, like. So, Henry V like, is literally about a big battle (not on a computer like), like between people who literally really hate each other like. So, why has Henry, who was a king like, have a big V literally next to his name? So, it’s literally weird like, probably some old English rude sign, like. So, being a king is literally so uncool and literally oppressive at the same time. So, literally uncool like, to literally make a big thing as well about literally beating the French like. So, literally I mean, the French literally eat snails like, which is literally disgusting like and means they’re probably literally disabled like. We literally should have let them literally win like, so not to literally cause offence like. So, some old people who literally laugh at Fawlty Towers like, literally call them garlic crunchers, which is literally so rude like, as they’re in Europe and we’re literally not anymore. Anyway, like their stuff, like, is literally too old to literally read like, as it’s literally full of words you can’t literally say and literally read and apparently it literally says nothing about all the people like, who are literally badly treated by the white, middle-aged, straight males, like, in their writing. So, they literally should be banned like.
So, the cricket like, is literally played by players in white. So literally uncool like, to literally play in white. So, white is literally a symbol of oppression to the masses, which I literally spent four years literally learning about at uni and literally its’ so like, a big problem like for literally disabled and literally gay and literally transgender people like. So, Britain like, should be literally repaying all the money from the Empire like, so to literally make things literally better and be literally fair. So, literally like, we all literally have literally rights like and shouldn’t literally pay any taxes right. So, it could literally all be literally paid for by the rich people, like, with literally their blood money like, from literally working hard all the time. That’s how like they literally got so rich and it literally isn’t right like. So, they’re literally now dressed in white, to literally play their like, bourgeois game like, like in Winchcombe like. So, Winchcombe like, is literally an ancient like Saxon borough. So, like my tutor literally told me to think in my brain like about the word Saxon. So, Saxon is literally a dirty word like and like literally means like oppression like to all people, like literally gays and literally minority groups like, who literally like came to this country like after them. So, he/she/they, like, literally said the word like should literally like be deleted from all books like as it literally causes offence like. So like, we literally should have a march and literally be proud like to not literally play in white like and literally like get money for a ramp and literally have three changing rooms for those who literally think they’re male, female or unsurefe/male. So, like that literally would be so cool like and literally not cause any offence, even literally to the BBC or ITV.
Bayshill statement: Titussa Newt has been replaced by Colonel Mustard, who having read the match intro, has downed a bottle of US beer, Arrogant Bastard Pale Ale, ‘woken up’ and come to his senses.
Cappuccino Buds Nobby the Nobster won the toss and decided to put his team of men into bat! Leading from the front, he opened with ex-captain and current vice-captain VP No 2 Crazy Horse Chrissos the Reverend Horner. On a day that would melt the rind clean off an Emmental cheese, the pair put on 54 before the first wicket, that of Nobby himself was to fall. The captain left on 35 off 34 with six crisply fashioned fours. Sean Price, dot ball expert and associated record holder (38), faced just two before scoring a single. Three more dots and the unfortunate Sean left LBW to Singh A. With a further 14 added to the score, now up to 71, Chris was bowled by Hassan for 25 off 45, with 4 fours.
Tom Liley was joined by Steve Liley, but the latter only lasted about 4 overs before being clean bowled, to a bowl that decided not to bounce high enough for his bat. Steve left on 7 with a single four with Tom now on 9. Toffee Chris(p) Wayman now joined the fray and from this point held the Bays innings together. Tom suddenly became belligerent, with a purple patch of 26 off 11 balls. Unfortunately though, Tom then was bowled and the partnership of 64 broken. The score was now 149 for 5 in the 29th over.
Paul Soggy Saunders, Rod Hibs fan MacLeod (out on the seventh ball of the over) and Gene Sainty on debut all came and went for the addition of 2 runs between them. Jamie Liley in at 10 joined Toffee Crisp Man and between them they forged an unbroken 9th wicket partnership of 29. Jamie made 8 off 19, whilst Chris at the other end added a further sixteen to his 32, to be marooned on 48 when the last and fifth ball of the 35th over was bowled. Web-site supremo Martin Van Dyke, padded up and ready for the call simply took the pads off again. No chance today for smacking a six over the Chairman’s head, sitting in front of the pavilion.
At this point, due to the excessive hot weather, it must be noted that there were extremely few feathered friends to be observed and even the sheep in the next field were taking no interest in the game at all. A poor show by them I say.
Once again, Abbot Ale is not going to be mentioned due to Greene King refusing to sponsor the Bays. They’ll get no free publicity here from now on for their fine Abbot and other brews. No sadly, Abbot will be not mentioned here again, until next time.
Travellers began as they meant to go on. They looked to be wanting to win the game, but not do it unnecessarily brutally. Ralhans, both P and A started the assault on the 186 posted by the Bays. After 19 overs in the Saharan sun, the Bays made their first and only breakthrough, with debutante Gene Sainty getting rid of Ralhan P for exactly 50. No wild celebrations by the team in the heat, as Sainty caught and bowled the most unfortunate Ralhan. Sainty’s delivery would 9/10 been called a no ball, having arrived at just below shoulder height, but the umpire seemed to sense that a change of batsman was needed, to stop the fielding side falling asleep in the soporific heat.
The captain used seven bowlers on the day and all fared reasonably well in the heat, even if there was just the one wicket as evidence. Tom Liley was once again the most economic bowler with six overs for 26, whilst Jamie Liley impressed with four overs for 23. Martin Van Dyke’s brave and shoeless fielding needs a mention as does the footwear of Hibs fan Rod Macleod. Appearing to be impersonating a Pink Footed Goose, he shot about the field with indecent haste. Well done to him I say! All other players decided white to be the boot colour of choice. (A Bayshill spokesman said this was tradition and nothing to do with any political party or group.)
Raja B joined the remaining Ralhan with the score on 128. He seemed to take delight in striking the 17 balls he faced for 25, finishing by smacking the Nobster for a six and two fours off the last three balls. Clearly, he wasn’t keen on Ralhan A obtaining his century, leaving him adrift on 87 (10 fours and 4 sixes) off just 58.
The game was won and the ball had spun in the umpire’s pocket away…
Another lose, but the end of the game was greeted happily as the overbearing heat was something that no one would really want to play in on a regular basis. We’re much more used to cold and wet weather. Bring it on!
Bayshill CC 186/9
Pierce A 35 34 6 0
Horner C 25 45 4 0
Liley T 41 30 3 2
Wayman C 48* 38 9 0
Liley J 8* 19 0 0
Hassan 6/0/51/2, Griffiths 4/0/32/2
Travellers CC 190/1
Ralhan P 50, Ralhan A 87, Raja B 25.
Liley T 6 0 26 0
Saunders P 5 0 34 0
MacLeod R 4 1 28 0
Liley J 4 0 23 0
Sainty G 2 0 29 1
Horner C 2 0 20 0
Pierce A 1.3 0 24 0
The score sheet is published in a non-binary form. In order to be inclusive, those who would prefer to read it in binary can apply by postcard to Bayshill House, Somewhere in Chelts, GL1 010 for a copy.
eg
Bayshill CC IOIIIOIO/IIO
Pierce A IOOOII IOOOIO IIO O
Travellers CC IOIIIIIO/I
Ralhan P IIOOIO IIOO11 III I