Colonel Mustard somewhat despondent at having been given three days notice to leave, for an enforced week’s holiday / break at Lamport Hall High Security Sanatorium for the Grossly Unhinged, writes this latest exposition on the Bays’ exploits in the Cheltenham Cricket Indoor League.
Dog whelks are the last thing you’d expect to begin an article on cricket with, but I have to say, that today, here and now, they are central, nay pivotal to the latest cricket extravaganza performed by the mighty Bays.
On Wednesday evening the Bays drilled down on the Whitminster team in a way that could only be described as dog whelkian. Well now, the Bays have for many years languished in the bargain basement of the Chelts indoor cricketing tournament, happy to graze as herbivores, sedately or passively if you like, periwinkle fashion, in or around 4th or 5th position. Things have changed now! After promotion 10 years ago, now in the Third tier, the Bays have become the dangerous, predatory dog whelks of the higher division. (Now I know that most discerning readers have a good understanding and of course undoubted interest in the ecology of rock pools, but I doubt if many know that the dog whelk attacks barnacles by drilling a hole in their shells and injecting digestive enzymes, before sucking out the soup-like remains of their being. Delightful I’m sure you’ll agree.)
Steve Liley with a borrowed Elizabethan two pence coin managed to lose the toss, but as Bays many tossers have done before, he used complicated Jedi mind-tricks and persuaded Whitminster to bat. ‘To the hall, go we will, to field,’ he was heard to mutter through his keeper’s (George Formby*) grill.
Cook and Keyte wielded the willow to the Bays’ attack of Tom Liley and Adi Rai. As in the previous match, the first three overs yielded very few runs, 10 in fact, which inevitably began to put pressure on the batting team. Helmeted Captain Horner replaced Adi with Fran Stirrup to good effect. Cook, Whitminster’s captain and keeper, was well run out by Alex Van Dyke, pushing for that rare commodity, runs. The score had reached 18 by the end of Fran’s over. Alex came on to bowl and looked as if he was going to be targeted by Keyte, who smashed him first ball for six. The very next ball, Alex had his revenge with a nonchalant caught and bowled, Keyte leaving on 16 and the score about 25.
Fran and Alex bowled their allocated overs with no further wickets falling, but more importantly, with not a huge number of runs against them. Nine overs gone and only 56 on the board. Adi returned for over number 10 and had Reilly (14) caught by Alex, who managed a complicated juggle in the corner, before securing the ball. Phew! The penultimate over by Tom went for just 8, before the last over went for the same number, but with three wickets tumbling as Whitminster desperately looked to increase their score. Chris Horner had a run out, thrown to Steve Liley, before Tom caught the retired Fishlock on his immediate return and then ran out John next ball. Whitminster posted just 83 – 3 less than Birdlip and Brimpsfield had done a fortnight earlier.
Bays left the traps like Mick the Miller in his prime! Horner in particular looked as though his need for runs was desperate, plundering 12 off the first four balls he faced. So it went on,
with the pair going from 15 in the first over, to 23 in the second, to 34 and 41 in the fourth. Adi went caught by Johns off Fishlock for 12, before Chris retired on a belligerent 26. Fran was next to this time caught by Helliwell off Fishlock again. However, the score was already up to 60 off six. Alex Van Dyke left clean bowled on 6 after two well run 3s and the score now at 69 after just 7 overs. (no sniggering please!)
Tom Liley on six was joined by his pater Steve, with the luxury of as many as 5 overs available, to score just 15 tiny runs. Tom and Steve did it the slow way, hitting the runs in singles, chipping away at the concrete-blocked side walls, as well as the score. Steve seemed to have taken a particular dislike to umpire Jim Hyland, blasting the ball repeatedly in his direction. This was indeed not the intended case and if it had been, would have been an extremely silly thing to do, as Jim is the league’s generalissimo and not a man to be trifled with! Tom ended his innings on 14 not out, off 15 and Steve 5, not out, off 6.
The Bays were once again home and dry. Most players and the watching Chairman, shot off to The Rotunda for post-match revelry. The season is but two games old (for the Bays at least) and there are already two wins posted. What did I say about dog whelks?
*The George Formby grill is similar to the George Foreman grill, but has a musical setting, which to the delight of all wicket-keepers, plays a variety of the nasal, banjo accompanied songs of the maestro himself when the grill is on maximum and therefore safest setting.
Important notice: Due to the Colonel’s unavailability next week, the report will hopefully be furnished to this mighty organ, by that young whippersnapper by the soubriquet of Hugh Jardon. Where will it all end? Where indeed?