Colonel Mustard’s article on Bayshill CC’s most recent encounter at Ullenwood, is shown here below, in its full unabridged version. The Colonel knowing that the ground was positioned at what he assumed to be of a serious altitude, had arrived with several of his faithful bearers. These were seen to be carrying oxygen cylinders, crampons, Kendal Mintcake and other climbing equipment from a bygone age. The mistake was understandable, well at least from his point of view. The Colonel’s mathematical ability, is as you will see shortly not up to it;- it doesn’t cut the…well you know.
Noting from his OS map that the ground was some 240 metres above sea level, Mustard’s brain descended into a spiral of asymptotic contortion. All reason fled, along with the knowledge that metric and imperial systems are fundamentally different. All decent people of course understand and work with imperial units and not the ridiculous metric nonsense brought in a few years ago to placate those Euro johnnies. I ask you the reader, whether you’d either have a pint or a 0.5 litre of beer in the Imperial Inn or the Metric Bar? Of course there’s no need to reply, as the answer is as plain as the schnozzer on your face. A cricket pitch is of course 22 yards, a chain in fact! No hint of metric rubbish there!
Now, returning to Mustard’s retarded calculation that a mere 240 metres was somehow akin to 24,000 feet, you can see his problem. Ullenwood at this altitude would be of Everest proportions and also very windy and cold (which in fact it was). To the game before further nonsense…
Rumours that one match as captain had caused Chris Horner to run away to sea, are grossly exaggerated. Although photographs (not confirmed as authentic) have been circulating on various websites and social media stuff! The best, a flustered Bayshill spokesman could manage was to say that C Horner Esq might well have caught crabs on his fishy escapade.
In the rarified and clean air of Ullenwood, Steve Pritchard (sharp object enthusiast and pedagogue) won the toss and put the Bays into field. The Bays were unaware that said Pritchard nearly wasn’t there, due to an unfortunate accident he’d suffered during the week – see attached photograph.
Michael Harding paired with Angus Guthrey (debut) opened the bowling to great aplomb. After eight overs the score was just 14 for the loss of two wickets. Guthrey picking up both of these for just the four runs – a great start! Harding shouldn’t be forgotten having bowled two consecutive maidens at the other end going for just 9.
Alex Harding took the next wicket in the tenth over with the score on 27, having Madhu caught with a sharp right hand grab from behind by Steve Liley. Seven overs later Hugo Cornwall (debut) started his Bays career in the perfect way, clean bowling Pandey for 9, with the score now up to 57. The accurate Cornwall also had a ball shoot through without bouncing to smack the keeper fair and square on the hallux. Not funny in the slightest I can assure you dear reader. Mezo in the meantime was building his innings and worryingly for the Bayshill, Ullenwood’s as well. He retired 50 not out, with his work done!
Colin Harding not to be kept out of the action was next to take a wicket removing the dangerous McKeurton for 27, LBW, in his last of a 5 over spell. His sons returned to wrap up Bays bowling, both taking a clean bowled in the 39th and 40th over. A club record surely – 3 wickets in eight overs, by three players from the same family! Well done the Hardings!
Tea time was as splendid as ever! Perfectly made victuals and quality beverages all round. No mention this week of cheese and mustard & beetroot sandwiches or of Abbot Ale – mores the pity! After tea, with the wind still blowing at about force 7, the Bays went into bat. At this point the Belted Galloways decided to have a look at how batting is done properly. Needless to say they stayed awhile, but mooved off after the first wicket fell. Well, the openers did at least. Charlie Worral went for 26 after 17 overs with the score a creditable 57. The demise of the Bays was soon to become apparent with local knowledge of the pitch making what seemed to be all the difference. A solitary buzzard, a harbinger of doom perhaps, soared high above the precipitous peak that is Birdlip, only to drift off never to be seen again. Ullenwood employed slow and accurate bowling to great effect, removing Alex Van Dyke with a grubber for just a single. Ajit Singh was next to go flashing hard for runs, but instead being caught for 3. Cornwall went the same way for a duck, followed by Steve Liley (3) out to a ball that like Alex’s earlier one didn’t bounce. The fielders remarks of consolation being, ‘Bad luck!’ ‘That was unplayable!’ & best of all ‘Out to a Mole Shagger!’ The last expression presumably being a local expression, for the demons held within the wicket, that are released by slow bowling. Tom Liley (2) was next to go, yes you presumably guessed, the same way.
Michael Harding was stumped for a duck, whilst younger brother was third highest scorer for the Bays on the day, with 4! Steve Pritchard returned as the earlier not out batsman only to fall 4 runs later, run out.
The Bays managed 104 all out, but the collapse after the openers was the talking point. Ullenwood need credit for their bowling, particularly Stanley and Ashook who took 3 & 4 wickets respectively. The only other highlight from the Bays perspective was two new players, who both bowled and fielded with great ability.
Six Bays players and officials took to The Lansdown to discuss the rout at Ullenwood, before the conversation changed to Homer Simpson’s accident and then of course to all members of the Talpidae, but especially the moldwarp! Beware the Moldwarp!
Ullenwood 154/7 off 40
Mezo 50, Mc Keurton 27, Ashook 30
Harding M 7/2/17/1, Guthrey A 8/3/11/2, Harding A 7/0/35/2, Cornwall H 4/0/21/1, Harding C 5/0/40/1
Catches: Liley S 1
Bayshill 104 all out off 36
Worral C 26 off 62, 1 four.
Pritchard S 54/69/4/1
Stephens 6/1/27/1, Stanley 6/0/15/3, Ashook 6/0/5/4, Mezo 5/1/10/1