In order not to forget the precise details of this match against Cranham CC, Colonel Mustard has taken the unusual step of writing his report before the match actually happens. By employing this clever ruse, he hopes to avoid any misreporting, misrepresentation , but not any other miss you happen to put his way.
Leading wicket taker and part-time coleopterologist, Alex Van Dyke casually noted a splendid sample of just a single one of the 4,200 species this country is delighted to accommodate. The sample, although as I have already said, splendid in its own way, was in fact completely flat, having been deprived rather cruelly of its mortal state by a size twelve indoor cricket shoe, some time earlier. In less than a split second, or indeed the time it takes to stand on a bewildered cockroach (or dare I say cricket), Alex identified in Holmsian manner the said defunct beast as a Lesser Stag Beetle, the commonest beetle of the UK. Well, before he could bowl his next delivery (net practice Sunday) he was waxing lyrical as to the benefits of these prominent decomposers and why they should take centre stage in beetle world, if not the (indoor) cricket calendar.
Now, the team which we were to play has for the minute gone right out of my mind. Where was I? That’s right, thank you for the reminder, I was up to my ears in elephant grass, thinking that the water buffalo I had been stalking for two days, had somehow got wind of me and was going to ‘get me from behind.’ No, no, that’s definitely not it. Let me think now.
Ah yes, to the Chelsea indoor cricket. League Division something or other, between Basingstoke CC and RAF Cranwell. So without further ado here goes.
The balcony was as full as possible on a buzzing Wednesday evening, a mere 11 or so weeks before the Christmas or Yule-time holiday. Judging by the size of the cricket bags and other paraphernalia the players had transported into this small viewing area, it could easily have been assumed, that most indoor cricketers had ‘taken on’ the government’s advice and completed all their festive shopping on that very day. Good for them I say!
Now to prove my little jape about writing the report before the game was not true, the weather conditions were nearly absolutely perfect. The grey walls (white may have been more appropriate) and the row of fused lights above the bowlers’ heads, may well have been repaired in time, but no matter. The conditions were the same for both sides. Outside it was a different matter, it had been scorching hot all day and there was no sign of rain in the foreseeable future.
Bayshill players, I think they were Bayshill players, chose, if I remember correctly, to bat first. Now this is very understanding of the team, I assure you, for they decided to honour to the letter, National Amnesia Day with a batting performance that clearly showed they had forgotten how to bat. This should be applauded, but I sadly believe it won’t, because these days all people think about is results, results, results and fast food. No that wasn’t it, but I think you get my drift. It’s not the Bayshill CC that are at fault, it the whole world; the complete jolly shooting party. Yes, I know, I’m going on a bit, but everyone has to take just a little of the flak being distributed. Greta Thunberg should take some of the blame, for having a slightly whiny voice, but I digress.
Bayshill, if I may call them that, lost wickets with gay abandon (in the established parlance, not the new woky one). Horner and Stirrup so destructive the previous week went only with double figures on the board. Then Rai departed, as did Bachelor and indeed Liley (S), leaving only the coleopterologist with his specially treated bat in hand. I hear you ask why and how specially treated? – to prevent the common furniture and the more perfidious Deathwatch beetle damaging his wand of willow of course. Never mind linseed oil, his bat is daily doused in Permethrin and Cypermethrin just to be on the safe side.
Well whatever the Bayshill master coleopterologist (aka Alex Van Dyke) had done, it seemed to have worked – he carried his chemical laden bat, for a worthy 33 (including a couple of fours and a heady six) in a grand total of 65 in the allotted 12 overs.
The big questions were whether the Bays had remembered to bowl and field? The answers to these posers is open for debate. The bowling was tidy enough and the field placements daring and effective. However, there were a couple of misses* in the field, including a dropped catch and a mistake at a run out. Adi Rai took the one Cranham wicket, clean bowling their best batsman. They passed the necessary total after about 7 overs or so.
Bays players ruminated on the loss afterwards in The Rotunda, but quickly moved onto other more pressing topics such as the new James Bond film – ‘No Time to Live Twice and Die,’ Abbot Ale pump clip collecting and of course football. To show the players not only know cricket like the back of their hands, they were writing the football headlines as well, ‘Man Utd manager fired after shocking defeat.’
*the Bays were not fielding a mixed team tonight