Colonel Mustard is still stymied by the same unforgiving and prolonged attack of the vapours, that saw him side-lined as long ago as two weeks. Snuff partaking Ivor Hugh J Thurston is reluctantly back in harness to relate to you, the indoor cricketing activities of the ninth Bays’ indoor match, whilst simultaneously trousering a nifty number of counterfeit greenbacks, which he’ll no doubt fritter away on snifters bounteous and various in dens of iniquity the length and breadth of this sceptred isle of ours.
Plumbing is not what most cricketing reports start with. In fact, I’d like to bet a fiver or even a tenner at 100 to 1 or more, with you the blessed reader, that the last time you saw a Test Match report, in The Times, it didn’t start with references to ballcocks, traps, grey water or other such intriguing stuff but ultimately boring claptrap. However, now that I’ve ‘whetted’ (tiny pun there, do keep up please!) your appetite with a smallish nosegay for the liquid side of DIY as it were, I’ll have to prise open the debate on imperial or metric systems when applied to waste pipes and so on. It’s just like cricket really, where all the important and necessary things are measured in good old Imperial Units, but other lesser things, such as the distance to the boundary or the carry of a big six, are usually estimated or measured in those appalling metric numbers.
Now that I have started on this plumbing malarkey, I feel hide-bound to press on until the urge had completely dissipated and blue skies once more reappear; I continue, dishwashing machines are like cricketers in so many ways. There are good ones that are energy efficient, average ones and downright bloody awful ones, which require the electrical input from Windscale and at least three other dirty nuclear power stations. Some are noisy and brash and flamboyant, and others just do the job without any warbled song or spat-tapping tap dance. There are grossly large ones, insignificant small ones and indeed slimline ones, but the one thing that all have in common with the Bays’ players, is that they are all fed well and provided with copious liquids and to boot, have extremely well or even over used waste pipes, if you get my now somewhat drifting metaphorical allegory or was it simile?
I’ll let you the reader decide which player resembles what type of machine. Of course, there are players, like these machines who think they are better than they are, just like the five star ratings slapped on the sides of them, but enough of such dark and malicious intrigue. We all know who ‘they are’ and they bally well better watch out, before they have their hoses disconnected or, dare I say severed for good. Onwards I say…
The mighty Bays won the toss as would be expected by Alex Bertie Van Dyke. The double-headed coin has proved its worth, even if the two year wait and amount the club shelled out on Ebay to Wun Hung Lo, the infamous Chinese vendor, makes the eyes more than water.
Cheltenham CC got off to a surprisingly poor start, thanks to quick work by Adi Rai in the leg corner near the batsman. Indeed, with just a single run on the board, R Saye was run out and back in the balcony before he could even face a ball. Tom Liley’s first over went for a miserly 4 before Adi Rai’s first two deliveries yielded a further two dots. M Rahman suddenly waking up smashed the next two for four and six respectively. Tom bowled the
third for 9 and then Adi again for the same. However, Adi had the improving Rahman caught out by Tom Liley for 18. 4 overs down for 34, but with two out.
Alex Van Dyke and Angus Guthrie took over the bowling duties both going for 14 in each of their overs. The balcony was surprisingly quiet, with just the Right Honourable Chairman and Sidelined Keeper looking forlornly on. No hint of Norman the canine Bays supporter who rumour has it, is called Ace in canine circles, or was it Gladiators? No matter, the woofer wasn’t there. Alex then went for just three, having found his rhythm and Angus 7 in the next pair of overs, but S Prayash had in Alex’s over been caught out well by Angus – see video evidence. The score now 72 after 8 overs. Alex then had the mysteriously called W S-C caught out by Tom Liley, with the score up to 77. Stirrup joined in the fun stumping P Timmaraju for just the single off 8 leaving with the score past 80. N Thomas, who had reached his 25, by now returned to try and bring the score near a ton, but to his dismay, he was well run out by Guthrie, to conclude the innings.
Bays fielded and bowled well, but even so, were a little unlucky with bounces and the odd pressurised fumble. Cheltenham, the leaders in the division, must have been surprised to have been dismissed all out on the second ball of the tenth over.
In no time at all the Bays batsmen made their entrance. The order of the day was slow and steady, not because the openers were reluctant to get going, but more, due to the fact, that Cheltenham bowled accurately with more than a hint of hostility. Rai, unexpectedly went fifth ball for just 2, caught well by the keeper Thomas off a glove. Stirrup then was hung out to dry by Chris, who having played forward looked like he was setting off for a quick single, only to change his mind in a blink. Poor old Fran on just one run, couldn’t get the momentum quelled after backing up well and was left four or five yards adrift. After three overs, it was 11 for 2. Chris Horner continued to plug away with Alex Van Dyke, moving the score slowly upwards. R Saye and M Rahman bowled the fifth and sixth for 2 and 1 respectively, putting pressure on the batsmen as the required run rate climbed like Joe Brown in his heyday. Alex Van Dyke retired on 26 off 24 with a brace of fours, but Chrissos had by then been run out for 18 off 28.
With the overs disappearing like scran before a trencherman, Tom Liley and Angus Guthrie tried to push for the score of 89. However, after 8 overs the score was not quite half that required. Tom made 1 off 2 and Angus 9 off 10. Over 9 saw 11 runs, raising hopes a little, but the bowling was of good quality and not even the slightest finger of opprobrium could be pointed at any of the batsmen for not getting a shifty on. The Bays finished on 72 for 3, 17 runs short. A good effort and a hearty round of applause for the Bays for their efforts, as it wasn’t as if they’d been licked, to a splinter.
Back in The Rotunda the heart of the team, all incidentally athirst, met up to chew the fat and whatever else needed chewing before heading off into the Gloucestershire fresh air. Chris Horner showed a mighty touch of speed as his pint disappeared quicker than ferret up a well-placed drainpipe. Bays play their last indoor game on this coming Monday. Remember you read it here first. Paste that in your hat! Oh and before I sign off, I’ve heard that the electric shocks applied to Colonel Mustard’s cranium have been having some positive effects, apart from draining the national grid of all its dried grapes or was it currants.