Old Moutarde, as he known in foreign parts, returns to bring you a non-footling report to get your snappers into.

It is a truism to say that the best laid plans of mice and men are on occasion overcome by some unforeseen glitch in the stratagem. Now, as recently reported here in this fine organ, the Bayshill players, (well at least some of them) tend to go about their business in proper full-on beards. And I hear you cry, ‘Why the deuce not?’

Well dear reader, I’ll tell you why this isn’t a clever idea. The indoor league is run on very strict lines, lines which cannot and should not be trifled with. Some teams have players who play in a different division for another team. One can only surmise that this is done in order to refine and hone their skills for when they return to play for their real club. Now Adi Rai is one such Bayshill player. He has played and it must be said excelled for Cranham CC, which currently languishes in the murky lower-end depths of Division Two. Not a problem this, as Adi’s form with the bat and ball has been ‘whizzo’ tip top! The problem of course, as you the reader will no doubt already have worked out, is his beard. It’s not the cut of it or indeed the effect it has upon his appearance, but it’s the very presence of the thing.

When you play for more than a certain number of games for a team in a higher division, you can’t play for the team you have represented in the lower division. I think you’re noddle is now beginning to get the full horror of the picture. This unfortunate state of affairs, could easily have been avoided, if Adi had played for Cranham with his chin clean-shaven and then turned out for the Bays with a full-blown false WG job of a beard. No one would have been the wiser and the whole shooting party could have carried on without so much as a by your leave.

Other Bays players sport beards of different hues and lengths, but they are not turning out for other teams. Perhaps the league should introduce a system of beards for each division? Only 3 beards to be allowed per team. This way a beard in Division 2 could easily be accepted as an acceptable beard in Division 3. Players would have the right the play clean shaven for one team and fully bearded for another. This way the league could ensure there were more players to go around and less likelihood of matches being called off. Statistically, this wouldn’t be a problem, as the false bearded players could play under exotic double-barrelled false names to differentiate them from proper bearded players.

In the cup, Adi can play for Cranham, but not the mighty Bays. He has a week to get rid of his beard (to play for the Bays) and of course to purchase a false one, for when he plays for Cranham. Adi Rai for the Bays and possibly Adi Abercrombie-Rai for Cranham.

All Bays players could do the same:

Bayshill players without beards: Tom Liley, Steve Liley, Alex Van Dyke, Angus Guthrie, Fran Stirrup, Rod MacLeod & Chris Horner.

See if you can spot these Bayshill players turning out for other teams:

Fran Stirrup-Cup Fortescue, Tom Pitbull-Billy and the Vegetable Sausages Liley, Alex Van Der Graaf Generator-Dyke, Steve Cheese-Abbotsman Liley, Chris Galahad-I Say Ding Dong Horner, Angus Pritch-Hard Guthrie, Rodney Mac Hibernfan-McCloud.

Now if you can work these out, send your answers on a postcard to Bayshill House – behind the radiator etc etc. No prizes to the winner, but for a full size likeness of our President Spike the Penguin.

Alex Van Dyke (with a beard I seem to remember) won the toss again. The Bays took to the field, with no Chris Horner, who it seems has turned his back on his whites, for bright lights and sequins and luvvies. No matter the Bays played on like the band on The Titanic. Angus Guthrie also was unavailable, but in his case it was work-related. Rumour has it that he’s been called away at short notice to Canada to attend a lumberjack course in the Rockies. Steve Liley was also still unavailable after 5 months due to Achilles rupture…

The revised six including Al Wyman and Rod MacLeod began fielding. Tom Liley went for 8 in the first over and then Adi for just the four, but importantly, Rod ran out Bochari for 6. The third over saw Tom clean bowl Riddle for 5, with the score 15 for 2 off 3. A great start for the Bays. Could it last?

Adi uncharacteristically went for 19 off his next over, having reduced the speed of his deliveries. Wyman in his first over went for 9, with Rod going for the same. Wyman nearly repeated with 8 off his next and Rod going for 9 again. This pair then finished with 6 and 12 correspondingly.

Adi returned for over number 11 and conceded just three, with a bizarre over concluding the innings. Tom went for 7 runs, but also took three wickets or so the score sheet tells. Fran behind the stumps, took 2 stumpings and a run out after the ball hit the back wall. The book states differently though, although Tom is only accredited with 3 wickets, when it should for consistencies sake state four.

Cheltenham CC made 102, which theoretically should have been 101 if the previously mentioned stumping was a stumping and not a run out. Enough quibbling!

Bays made a good solid start with 7 off the first over. The second over saw Adi obtain his average, after being out, run out after a mix-up, for the first time this season. The next over saw Alex Van Dyke also run out, with the score at the end of the third over 15 for 2, exactly the same as Cheltenham’s score had been. The next over bowled by Rahman went for just a single and saw Fran caught and bowled, getting himself an average as well!

Wyman took a liking to Prahash’s bowling in the next, amassing 12 from the fifth over. Tom made 4 before being run out, to be followed by Rod who scored 3 before being caught by Riddle. Wyman fell stumped by Riddle off James for 17 off 20.

So the Bays were all out for 45 and heading for the Rotunda to chew the fat! Steve Liley and the Chairman were there in a flash, although somewhat stunned at the result. Played 5 and won four doesn’t sound too bad though. This is the start of the effort to carry on playing on Wednesdays. For that we thrice say, ‘Hurrah!’