The Colonel is fortunately ‘fresh back’ from high-level talks concerning the upcoming and now recently gone budget and although not entirely willing to splash the ink on Bays’ latest indoor match against St. Phillips North, he readily admits to, ‘damn-well gritting his teeth’ and just getting on with it, unlike as he succinctly puts it, ‘The nimby pimby, Woke, work-shy Gen Zedders or whatever they’re called or indeed call themselves, whether it be – he, him, she, her, it, them, their or dogface.’
Stop me straight away if I’ve told you this before; but in case you didn’t know the Bays were up against the upper half of St Phillips this Wednesday evening. God’s teeth, if both parts of St. Phillips got together what sort of bally team would that be?
Now my friends, before rushing headlong into this report like a Bays cricketer into the bar after a game, I have to inform you, that I was going to use a well-chosen Muscovy Duck feather for the quill for this evening’s bash, to lend a little je ne sais quoi to the report, but I was so diverted by the blossoming ruddy carunkles on the said quacker’s face that I was forced to decide otherwise. Now then cricket loving readers, lean close and listen, I made just the merest of tiniest boo boos there, for if you hadn’t spotted it, for our little feathered-friend, the Muscovy Duck doesn’t really quack, but instead, in the female’s case trills, whilst the male makes a sort of ‘huff huff’ sound. But enough of these diverting Anatidae I say! I’ll break open my quill case and select a Black Swan quill in its place and pardon the pun, get dipping. Here goes.
When Winston the serious boxer (canine, not pugilist that is) was officially installed as Bayshill’s Honorary President last week, there was considerable turmoil or even hubbub in the animal kingdom, at all levels. I won’t bore you dear reader with their gruntings and squealings, or even by running through the myriads of species that had their noses or proboscises put out of alignment, (Please sit down at this point) but I feel it necessary to bring to the fore, one particular individual who chose to snub the mighty Bayshill Cricket Club. You, in years to come will remember that you read it here first.
Larry the Cat, the Chief Mouser to the Cabinet Office, has had to turn down the prestigious position which Winston now holds with a dignity and grace the feline clearly wasn’t up to. Please see the attached, signed letter from Number 10 and indeed Larry’s official picture. Sir Keir Starmer might be happy to receive Taylor Swift tickets, delighted to be clothed in the finest of Savile Row twills and be the first to have first ‘go’ at the local food bank. However, could he bring himself to provide Larry the Cat with the honour of being Bays’ President? Clearly, he couldn’t, this being a step too far for the man whose greatest skill is, to be immediately forgettable. The Prime minister (and I refuse to name him again here on the grounds of decency and that his moniker has already slipped my mind) wanted the accolade of this prestigious position for himself
and deigned Larry too dangerous and intelligent a political rival. What a toady, lick-spittle wretch of the highest order!
To cricketing matters I must now turn or the reader (Fran I’m thinking of now) will lose his appetite to read on. So here goes.
The Bays team assembled in Willy’s hall once again and as always won the toss and sent St. Phillips North in to bat. Fran was being rested this week after his recent exertions on the Bays’ behalf and had been sent on a weeks’ holiday with all expenses paid. There was only one player available to fill the considerable void left by the aforementioned player and it was the ‘indoor virgin’ Old Pritchers himself.
Tom Liley opened the proceedings with a maiden over, which set the standard for the game this evening. Rarely are maidens bowled in the indoor format and this one seemed to rock St Phillips to the core. Alex, the proud owner of Winston our new Honorary President, bowled the second over for just six, but it was here that Angus Guthrie got to work with his fielding, running out the opener for a Muscovy or indeed a quacker. Tom’s second over went for 4, but with a wide, a bye and and a leg bye included. Three overs bowled and only 11 on the damaged scoreboard.
Luke Sprigmore was then well caught by Angus off Alex’s bowling, whose over went for just a single. Angus then pouched another catch this time off his own bowling, seemingly trying to wrap up the fielding award in only the third match of the indoor season. 5 came off Alex’s last over, meaning his three had gone for just 12. Steve Pritchard bowled the next for just 3 with his prospective son-in-law Angus the next for 2. Eight or two thirds of the overs gone and just 25 on the board.
Angus bowled the ninth for 11, the most expensive over of the night, but took his second caught and bowled of the evening, this time catching C Sprigmore. Tom Liley could claim half the catch, having attempted to pluck the fast moving six bound ball from the air, only to palm it gently to the grateful Guthrie. The scorebook can be cruel and kind at the same time. Pritchard in his second over had Folland sharply stumped by Steve Liley for 3. Tom Liley then bowled his third over for a meagre 2, meaning his 3 overs had yielded just 7 runs. Pritchard clearly delighted that he had lost his ‘indoor virginity’ had W Francis caught by Tom Liley for six, off the first ball of his third over. His 2.1 overs went for just 5 and included 2 wickets. St Phillips amassed just 43 off 11.1 overs. This was probably the best bowling and fielding display by the Bays in a number of years. It would have been difficult to have thrown a brick without hitting a Bayshill player who had not covered himself in merit. Angus with three catches and a run out being the highlight or more accurately the star – with a Bays’ indoor fielding record. He now has eight dismissals in the league, 4 above Tom Liley who lies in second place.
The Bays retreated to the balcony happy with their fielding efforts, but at the same time keenly aware that 44 runs had to be made and that upsets were possible at this time of
year when ghoulies are encouraged to be on display. Chris Horner, a dasher with whom Don Juan would not have been ashamed to shake hands, opening batsman and a demon in his day with the gutty ball, was fearful of eldritch events affecting his innings. Taking his place at the crease, Virtual Pipe Smoker no2, ready for the accustomary leathery assault, waited patiently with Old Pritchers, Bayshill’s very own Wackford Squeers, waving his willow with gay abandon at the other end. Less than 4 per over was required and it seemed that this paltry, nay piffling amount could not even amount to single grain of sand in the Bayshill’s spinach on this day on the eve of the eve of Samhain’s Day.
7 runs came from the first over, which included a well-driven four from Chrissos, followed by another seven that contained a most unusual beast, that of a 5 run wide! Six further runs came off Francis’ second over, leaving the Bays sitting pretty on 20 off 3,but more importantly only 24 needed off as many as 8 overs. Francis bowled a tight over for just the 2 runs, but then Yemster had Chris Horner out LBW for 12 off 16, to what the batsman would have described as woody. This partisan feeling was however backed up by the listening lugholes in the balcony, who all heard a willowy inside edge. No matter, the Bays had Alex, married man and beetle expert in next. He was to lose his partner pretty soon though, as Steve P was stumped trying to push the score along for 10 off 17. Before Tom Liley could really get going, the game was over, with Tom making 9 off 8 and Alex 6 off the same number. The Bays were over the line on 8.1 overs with just the two wickets down.
The result leaves Bays top of the Division three with maximum points from their three games, leaving all spectators with subtle and scheming brains temporarily numbed. As is the convention after such euphoric moments of triumph, the players shot off to The Rotunda to begin mopping up the stuff like overworked suction pumps. Well please don’t judge the players harshly after their glorious win; ebullitions of joys should be celebrated not condoned. This is Colonel Mustard signing off without a thing to cavil at!