With the Yuletide activities over and once more carefully packed into the lumber room of Memory Lodge, Old Moutarde returns for your pleasure or otherwise, as your breathless kerricketing correspondent for another year’s jolly japes.
Having awoken after nine hours of the dreamless, I thought I’d be better placed to report on the mighty Bays’ latest engagement. Well, I’m dashed that I must say I’m not, mainly due to the shenanigans that happened to unravel yestereve.
With the troops assembled in goodish time at the freezing point d’appui, the spectators were in no time at all grasping that they were not put in this world for pleasure only. Indeed, if they had dared to imagine that the Bays were in for a snip, at this cryogenic cricketing contest, they were soon to realise that they were to be offered nothing but meagre rations of disappointment instead. The right-honourable Chairman and this dishonourable writer, were massaging their respective cokernuts in melancholic disbelief and in due course, heading full steam ahead for the exits, as some blighters had seemingly pilfered the lifeboats some considerable time earlier.
Fortunately, after three consecutive losses, Mustard here, had wisely decided not to put his chemise on a glorious win for this fixture. This streak as some wit had whispered crackling-throatedly in the balcony wasn’t going to bring home the Div 3 bacon. This Bayshillian Slough of Despond won’t last long though, I tell you (as nothing but my friend); the bally players will have their double funnel nostril tunnels lodged in the Trough of The Rotunda, before you can say in a falsetto, nay mezzo-soprano tone, ‘You’re a pork sausage!’ This of course brings me neatly to the salient point – if you’ve got your back to wall, you need to go back to the Walls. More, yes indeed, more sausages the balcony demands! Yes, that’s right, let me spell it out for you, more threes please, even if they have a piquant suicidal flavour to them. As an old friend I knew a lifetime ago, in the heart of Yorkieland, old Bratford if you need to know, once told me earnestly, ‘Faint heart never,’ did something quite unimaginable to ‘a pig!’ They don’t, I’ll go to foot of our stairs, mince their, put wood ‘ith hole, words up there, even if they do mince their sausages. Now, where the dicky deuce was I! Ah, the bally report.
High up in the balcony, which for the first time ever I believe,contained a nattily dressed Bayshill supporting mutt named I have it on very good authority, Wackford Squeers after its owner’s father. Alex of theVan Dyke persuasion lost the toss with a loaned Elizabethan florin. And so it was, that the Bays had to set a score that only the prescribed half of St. Phillip’s had to chase. (The designated North half and nothing below this community’s belt or equator as it were)
The scoring rate for the Bays in the first four overs was not quite spectacular, but promised more, with no wickets lost. The second over bowled by L Sprigmore went for 10, but this included four 4 wides and was to be prove to be his last contribution with the ball. With our four-legged friend watching closely from its elevated position, on came the aptly named Curr to bowl. He didn’t take a wicket, but A Sprigmore ran out Chris Horner to the St.P’s delight.
The score was now 33 and the fifth over gone. L Sprigmore then did his bit for the Bays by also bowling 4 wides, one of which evaded the keeper and a no ball to boot. Extras once again, were seemingly helping the Bays along its merry way. F Rose enjoying the sub-zero temperatures bowled Fran Stirrup for just 8 off 14, in the eighth over, the score up to 59. Adi Rai, Bays best batsman this year retired to the doggy haven with a six, a three and a four off his last three deliveries. Alex Bertie Van Dyke made six off 8 before being caught by the cunningly canine named Curr. Tom Liley then hit a quick 10 off six, including two fours. Guthrie playing to the audience (well at least one of them + sartorial mutt) crashed 14 off 7, with also two fours and a 3, a 2 and a single.
Adi now back in, wasted no time in helping the score along with a single followed by a pack of four fine sausages (3s). The Bays had made 102 with the help of 13 extras, Adi being the standout batsman!
St. Phillip’s North made a reply that mirrored the Bays’ innings almost exactly up to the end of the fourth over. Just 22 off Tom Liley and Adi Rai, but importantly two wickets down. Alex Van Dyke caught A Sprigmore well off Rai and Rose run out by Chrissos Horner. The Bays were in with a sniff (appreciated in the balcony). Guthrie went for six in the fifth over with the score just 28 for 2. The next two overs saw the run rate take off with Bignall and L Sprigmore deciding it was time to move things along. Alex went for 17 and then Angus for 13 and effectively the game was now there for St. P’s to win. Alex returned bravely for the next over and bowled his six for just three, which included two wides, on of which eluded keeper Stirrup. An rare over with no runs off the bat. Angus then went for 12 ending an unusually expensive spell for him. Adi returned to go for sixteen but in so doing had L Sprigmore caught by Guthrie. The Bays had lost, but it was reasonably close.
St. Phillips’ N had won, by being better in most departments on the night. The Bays needed to get a shifty on, a bit more in the early overs and possibly have used Tom Liley in the 8th or 9th over, with his economy rate on the night being the most respectable.
The Chairman and other assorted human and canine spectators alike looked down on the team gravely and wondered somewhat moribundly where all the oojah cum spliff had gone.
In The Rotunda, a full pint of beer left the table by its own accord between the Bays two keepers. Neither flinched, until the beer had tsunamied its way over Steve L’s trizers and then Fran realised that t’was his pint that had departed quicker than tonight’s hope for a Bayshill victory.