Colonel Mustard, our very own tweed-clad, virtual pipe-smoking roving reporter, once more returns, to convey to you, the highly educated reader, of this esteemed and honoured organ, the veritable delights of Bayshill CC’s second game of Season 2023. A new season; a new start indeed; a new epoch possibly; a bright new shiny and erudite captain; new shirts and an overdue expectation of better things to come. Old Moutarde is here to describe and deliver to you, every breath as it was inhaled and then exhaled, every action as it took place and every pint as it was gloriously downed. What more, could you ask for? The Colonel begins….

Earthworms, my friends, are tricky beasts. If you were to be so brave as to ask me about them, I’d tell you and not hold back, but then I’m sure you wouldn’t have the audacity to posit such a daring and forward a question. So what I’ll do, is save you all the anxiety and associated troubles and explain forthwith, without undue prevarication and any ghastly prolonged rhetoric, their enormous relevance here. Well, the humble earthworm, or dew-worm or indeed ‘night-crawler’ sits or should I say wriggles, fairly low in the great pantheon of beasts, that between them all, constitute the Kingdom of Animals, on this, the third rock from the sun.

Well, it is now dear reader that our great friend the earthworm with its hydro-static skeleton, or to give it its proper name Lumbricus Terrestris is awakening under your feet, (as you read this) in its tiny well-kept burrows, to carry on with its arduous and completely unthanked for duties. He, or should I say She, or more accurately It, is beginning, like any good groundsman, its season’s work once more. Now don’t think I’ve changed my stance on all that woke rubbish I was forced to inculcate into my match reports last year. No, by Jove, the Common Earthworm (such a modest and refrained title) has beaten all those gender fluid BBC Johnnies all right, by being as gender fluid as it’s possible to be. What’s more, has the earthworm ever, in a fit of pique cancelled someone? I think not. Has the earthworm ever tried to utterly confuse and persuade young people that there are 78 different genders? I think not again. Has the earthworm ever indicated that JK Rowling’s ideas are not to their liking and therefore her books should be burned or was it banned? No indeed! The earthworm which happens to be hermaphrodite, has been around for a long time and is of a gentle and forgiving nature and isn’t thank goodness, all over the BBC, like an uncalled for rash.

Now, once again I fear you the reader, may have considered that old Mr Mustard Man here has gone off his chump, or possibly trolley and has entered the unasked for realms of non-cricketing material. Well, once more, I’m afraid you’ve bungled there old chap or chapess should I say, because five-hearted earthworms are great supporters of Bayshill cricket and indeed the aforementioned unappreciated groundsman. Aerating the soil, draining the water from it, fertilising it, supplying Abbot Ale… (The last dear reader was a quip to check whether you were still awake) Where do I stop? Furthermore, there are 25 earthworms per square foot of soil or to give you a cricketing value, there are about four million of the helpful beasts on or under the first foot in depth of a cricket field. Therefore, taking this argument to an illogical conclusion, for every player and umpire on the field this Wednesday evening, there are some 266,666 earthworms. Who was it that said, the Bayshill doesn’t have many supporters? Our team jolly well plays upon millions of them! What support that is too! And what do we, my friends, do to them as a thank you? Well, we bally well run around on their manicured turf with completely uncalled for gusto, in our vicious spiked boots, most indiscriminately, needlessly acupuncturing these most friendly of annelids, or I fear worse. (Now, I’m going to ignore the unkind reader, who suggested that some earthworms have contributed slightly more to the cricket being played by the Bays, than some of its players – and, I jolly well won’t be naming any names here for obvious reasons. A full list though, for those who happen to be interested, is available with a very reasonable low administration fee of £5 in cash, which should be put in a sealed brown envelope addressed to: Col Mstd, Beer fund, Back of the Radiator, Bayshill House)

Now that that nonsense has been cleared up, a brief resume of all things Bays needs to be completed before all the action and inaction is described for those of you who have managed to stay away from the luring arms of Morpheus. The Summer Skittles league is upon us once more and as ever Bayshill CC are entering a team of its very finest and I think I’ll stop there. Further details will be posted here – try to contain yourself please – I know this is very exciting stuff! (First game played and the Bays registered a great win – further details from The Chairman)

Bayhill’s very own quiz team, cleverly named ‘The Cricketers’ has continued to be successful, answering a plethora of mind-bending questions through the past year. 164 bottles of wine have been won to date. Well done to the Monday quizzers, I say. Also, the informal Bayshill CC Sunday quiz is trundling along nicely, with members taking part from Cheltenham (Benhall, Lansdown, Wyman’s Brook) of course, but also far-flung Tewkesbury, distant Lincoln and antipodean Kendal. If anyone wishes to join this newly established Sunday morning ritual, then please ask Steve Liley or Peter Van Dyke for details.

The Bayshill CC Goblin Tree Association has recruited a whole new member (strictly confidential membership), whose unaltered photograph of a newly discovered tree (certification pending) is attached for your delight. Also, membership fees which are index-linked, for the large and sprawling Virtual Pipe Smoking Club and the Bayshill Banana Label Collectors Guild are once more due. Participants of the former would no doubt be fuming at this unbridled demand for their hard-earned greenbacks, but then that is strictly against the club’s primary statute. The usual informal arrangement for payment is to carry on this year, with a pint for the Colonel (nudge nudge) or a brown unmarked envelope that should be placed behind that overworked, colossal, Victorian cast iron radiator, once again.

And finally, the new furry-eared Bayshill CC Arctophile Society is up and loping along like a wounded gazelle, with membership skyrocketing up to a massive one. The independent adjudicator (highly confidential) of the Sunday Quiz is currently writing the membership rules for this new club. See this space for exciting new developments.

Now the cricket. Aha!

Naunton is a rustic old Cotswold village with its cricketing arena perched somewhat casually on the side of a hill, near the creamy limestone dwellings and small Victorian school. The ground is some six hundred yards from the village hostelry, The Black Horse which dispenses the local Donnington’s Ales. ‘Enough,’ I hear cry, but what about the cricket?

You should have learnt by now that patience is the order of the day.

Bayshill batted first on a track that was slower than a remedial pupil from the 1980’s. Two Pritchards opened the batting George P at one end and his aged P and capuchinno, Steve P at the other. Young George seeing the orange ball, like water melon, dispatched it with ease to all parts of the ground. Alas, the burdens of captaincy took their terrible toll and Steve P was gone caught Wardle off Marston for a brace. The current pedagogue (of a very high standing) was replaced by Steve L, an ex-pedagogue (of a very low standing). The score of 8, now raced onwards, with George (mostly) and the new Steve enjoying a partnership of 29. Once again, Wardle caught another Steve and the Bays’ keeper left the field gasping for breath between expletives.

Before Nobby the Nobster Pierce could get stuck in, George now on 24, with 3 fours and a big six was gone. Clearly he only likes batting with Steves. Mr Van Dyke of the A persuasion joined the Nobster and things settled somewhat. With 33 added to score, Alex VD was gone for 11 with two cracking 4s. Ajit Singh (new daddy) clearly didn’t want to use the outfield, preferring to bludgeon the ball over the boundary for three big maximums. Whilst he was getting going the Nobster was caught for 21 off 25 (1 four), by Hughes off Wardle this time.

Singh went next with the score up to 106, with the left-handed Saunders at the other end. With just seven added, Paul on 3, was caught and bowled by Hughes. Martin Van Dyke was clean bowled for a golden quacker (I hope this isn’t edited out by the website supremo!). With time running out and Rod (Hibs season ticket holder) now in, could things get any worse. Thorp C (without the E) joined the canny Scotsman, to find that when it comes to losing your wicket the only thing to remember is self-preservation. Thorp bristling with aggression and pent-up irritation at being side-lined for so long, on 2 from just 3, was cruelly run out by the ‘Not Quite so Flying Scotsman’, who had raced Wells-like to his four runs off a mere 19 deliveries. Eve Saunders, last batter, waiting patiently to bat, had to watch Thorp trudge off the pitch followed by Macleod espousing his innocence. And so it came to pass that the Bays innings had ended on 119 for 9.

The electronic scorecard added to the walkie-talkie communication between umpires and the scorer, all helped to create possible problems that a pencil and the back of an old beer mat would never see.

Bays took to the field with Ajit Singh and Alex Van Dyke the opening bowlers. J Arthur was run out by Singh with the score up to 26 on the last ball of the third over. Alex Van Dyke then had Twiston-Davies caught by the effervescent Rod with the score but one more.

Thorp, replacing Singh who had bowled tidily for just 11, went for ten in his first, lulling A Arthur the batsman into two consecutive fours before having him clean bowled. Never doubt Hawk Eye – a phrase to remember!

Soggy Saunders replaced Van Dyke and took a wicket in his first over for a miserly 3 runs. As the next few overs progressed, Chris (finest teacher / pedagogue in the Bays’ team – with

shed loads of awards) became more and more economical. He was then taken off after a three run over. At the other end Paul went for 20 in his next over, seeing the ball disappear over the boundary in four out of the six deliveries. Paul went on to bowl two more after that and finished on 40 after his four. Macleod fared better at the other end going for just seven off his first two, but then taking 2 wickets in his last over. Paul taking one catch and Steve Liley getting Wardle stumped on his first ball. Eve Saunders finished off the Bays bowling with just four deliveries. The first three being dots and the last ball a four that just about crept over the line. Naunton were home and dry with 4 overs and 2 balls to spare.

Now the inquisitive reader, if there is such a thing, will note that the scorecard and the report does not exactly match up. Well, well spotted! You’ll get no explanation here.

After-match burgers and beer (Abbot was available) were dispatched and in a short space of time some of the players and partners were ensconced in The Black Horse for a swift pint, before hitting the road back to Cheltenham. Through the course of the game, no-one thought to mention the lowly and almost forgotten earthworm. Players can so fickle and they have a tendency to forget the important things in life and cricket of course. So two games over and the new captain has yet to register a win in the reign of King Charles III and the Honorary Presidency of Spike the Penguin. He better be careful, the captain, not the King, that is, as he may well be forgotten in the New Years Honours List next year.

Scorecards: