Colonel Mustard is delighted to report on the mighty Bays’ first match of the 2022/3 Cheltenham Indoor Cricket League under the new monarch, King Charles III. With 18 carat gold Victorian monocle currently at ease, sporting natty but split spats and with grossly stained gargantuan tweed trousers and a disgustingly smelly Meerschaum in one hand and goose needle-sharp quill gripped in the other, he now lets rip.
Some bally scallywag who I have to admit is known to the club, accused me the Colonel, of speaking Gibberish. Well I can tell you, that I find myself most flattered by such high praise indeed. I have as some of you know, been concentrating on developing my foreign language skills. I am delighted to tell you, that I have added, Twaddle to my list of little known tongues. Talking of which, I’ve discovered that English mustard had a pivotal role in WW2. See attached book extract. (copyright only infringed a trifle)
Last year was a damned fine ripsnorter and no mistake, I’ll have you know! The Bays finished in their highest position in the league in the club’s history, a creditable second. The latter half of the season saw the Bays win all five of their matches, to climb from a lowly second bottom of the league table, to the dizzy stratospheric heights of second. Fran Stirrup picked up the Division 3 fielder award and Steve Liley the keeper award (for the third time). What next we ask with bated breath in anticipation?
The big change in the Cricket Stadium is that it no longer ‘belongs’ to old Charlie boy, but now is in the possession of regal Willie. Let us hope that the droning fans (mechanical ones before you ask) and the dodgy flickering or non-existent lights are up to the job in hand. It’d be such a shame to let young and thrusting Willie down, with a shabby stadium. Indeed, at the nets on Sunday, the PoW staff were either XXXXXX (censored) or non-existent. The less said the better.
So to the first game. Captain Horner won the flip of a coin that was so small that neither the tosser or the passive voyeur could see whether that was our ex Queen’s head. In the end our cappuccino decided most wisely to bat, until persuaded by his team that fielding was a much more sensible option. The Birdlip captain told his team to pad up, confused that he’d been told to field and bat. Mind games as ever.
Shetty and Holder opened for B&B against Tom Liley and Adi Rai. Once again, the Bays tactic of throttling the lifeblood out of the batting attack worked a treat. In the second over Rai had Shetty caught by Tom with the score on 11. K Blackburn strangely didn’t see anything of the ball until the 5th over, at which point he decided to move things along. Tom and Adi’s first 4 overs yielded a mere 20 runs, which in the indoor format is tightness itself.
Holder in the search for runs was run out cleverly by Rai in the 7th over, with the score up to 50. Alex Van Dyke and Fran Stirrup bowled the 5th to 10th overs, trying to contain Birdlip as they made an effort to post a half decent score. Rai ran out Jacques in the 8th over as the B&B’s total began to look frail. Tom and Adi returned for the last two overs and managed to contain Blackburn who had returned after retiring on 25. Indeed only 5 runs came off the last two, which also saw Adi pick up the wicket of Mahmud for 3, caught by Fran. Tom was unlucky not to pick up a wicket on the last ball when Steve fluffed a stumping (you see I did put that in) off one of Tom’s out swingers. B&B posted 86.
In reply, the Bays took 16 off the first 2 overs. Adi opening with Chris, was unlucky to lose his wicket, well caught off the back wall, having just notched up double figures. Fran studiously watched the ball as it drifted down the leg side time and again. After scoring 5 solid singles, he hit three consecutive threes to push the score on, with Chris at the other end batting similarly. After a well struck 6 and a three, Chris was back in the balcony 25 not out. Tom Liley looking a bit out of sorts, went without scoring LBW for a second ball duck. His replacement Alex made five, before Fran joined Chris with a six of his own, retired on 26.
With the scores level and three overs left, batsman number six (note not batter) came in to steady the ship in this moment of high crisis. The B&B keeper offered words of encouragement to Liley (S), saying you probably needn’t worry as he’ll bowl a wide. Prophetic words indeed, as Blackburn wrapped up the match with one fired down the leg. Williams the keeper, warming to his role of diplomacy suggested to Steve Liley that his was the perfect and faultless innings. Clearly, a Henry Kissinger of the modern day!
So, top of the table and with a thirst that needed slaking, the players retreated to The Rotunda to drink enough to soak a dartboard. It was noted by the players that under King Charles III, the club have a 100% record indoors. Breaking news of Charles’ decree for a new national anthem shocked the players, but as soon as it was announced that it would be Neil Diamond’s hit, ‘Sweet Carolean’ the players were overwhelmed with joy, as this is the completely unofficial Bays’ song. The massed ranks of supporters from the heaving balcony joined the team to toast this, their latest victory. With nothing more to do, the players finally sloped off home to eat food furnished with some of England’s finest mustard. Well Hip Hip Hurrah to that I say.