News of the Bays’ latest match is brought to you by none other than Colonel Mustard himself. This esteemed and prestigious organ would like to be the very first to congratulate our very own roving reporter, having, it can be exclusively revealed here, is to be mentioned in the New Year’s Honours List for services to humanity and the brewing industry. A spokesman for Netflix has confirmed that a six part epic depicting the Colonel’s life is in the pipeline. It will have the catchy title of, ‘Mustard a life on the Edge – The True Story.’ Exact details of the Colonel’s award, are at this point in time not available, but the Colonel in his usual eloquent manner, has admitted to the editor that, ‘It better be a great big bloody gong, or title and hopefully cash aplenty, or they can sXXXing well keep the thing! And as for the Netflix thing, it better be good and better than that Sussex rubbish that they’re currently spreading, ordure-like all over my televisuals.’
There have been a plethora of vehement complaints by the Bays’ fan base, that imply that in the recent match reports, there has been a worrying tendency by this writer, to ‘get stuck in’ to the cricket without any necessary background material to the games or introduction, or preamble if you like. Well, dear reader, I can only do my best and humbly seek to make amends for any deficiencies, defamations or inaccuracies by trying just that tiny bit harder. You must know the old adage about going the extra mile. Well, that is exactly what I’ll attempt to do, even if I’m a just a little nautical in my efforts.
Now, it will not have escaped the more vigilant members of the ‘Bays Army’ that the team has not so much started to slip from the pinnacle of division three, but rush avalanche-like, down its steep sides into the wide and unwelcoming cold glacial valleys of mediocrity far below. In addition, we have also spurned the lucrative delights of the Cup competition. Last year, we managed one win before exiting gloriously, but this year, we managed just a bye and a loss, so in a perverse sort of way we’ve actually equalled that previous achievement. A very quiet hurrah to that I say.
Before this match report can start, this mouthpiece of the Bays, must however report on an actual superb triumph and subsequent trophy being won this year, by up and coming Bays’ player, Jamie Liley. All Bayshillians raise a glass of their own chosen libation, to heartily congratulate Jamie on winning a National Title not in cricket, but in Kick Boxing for his age class. Thrice hurrah! (See attached photo)
The AGM passed off without major loss of blood and we’re happy to stress that no summons have been posted or legal actions taken (to date). The chairman spent quite some considerable time at this year’s meeting wading through copious treacle-like directives referring to diversity and of course inclusivity. The club, through a jaded looking spokesman wearing a heavily stained, but needless to say original Joseph Kagan camel-coloured Gannex trench-coat, standing on the wind-swept pavement outside Bayshill House, issued a statement. ‘Er hum, over many years the aforementioned club has helped young players, whether boys or girls, in their cricket careers.’ In addition, he continued with almost a smile on his face, ‘A goodly number of players from diverse ethnic groups have been encouraged to
turn out for the Bays first team. Also, the club has a rightly proud tradition of supporting all club members in any way it can.’ Not many clubs, he added, waving his Harold Wilson style pipe about dangerously, that were as small as The Bays, would be able boast a yearly tour, where over thirty individuals of every persuasion conceivable and players various, make their way overseas to The Isles of Scilly to play cricket, socialise and generally have a topping time. In addition, he reported that the club competes in the Indoor Cricket League, has a thriving summer skittle team, an erudite quiz team, a Virtual Pipe Smokers Club, A Banana Label Collectors Club, a Goblin Tree Association and has other regular social functions too many to catalogue here.
Talking of diversity and such guff and all things acceptable in the shiny modern day, the writer is a little confused by all the current footballing goings on, out in the Middle East. I mean to say, first of all, the footie is all taking place in the tiny half-baked* country of Qatar, which (probably) wouldn’t pass any of the inclusivity tests currently being distributed to all football and crickets clubs back here in blighty. But what dear reader is even more bemusing, is the expectation in Europe and possibly elsewhere in the world, that a football competition is going to have any effect on or indeed change the dark ages, medieval or ‘Middle-ages’ thinking and laws of a country that is strictly run on religious guidelines, overnight. I know that you’ll have begun thinking that old Musty getting a bit serious, like that Jeremy Paxman chappie, or do I mean Claudia Winkleman and that this, is merely a cricketing article and not the blooming Gettysberg Address. Never let it be said though that Old Moutarde, even when on holiday in Vienna, isn’t on the ball or hasn’t got his pulse on the finger! If something is daft and I should bally well know, from all my personal experiences to date, then it should be prominently held up to the bright floodlights of scrutiny and ridiculed when necessary, for being the nonsense, gibbersh or gobbledygook that it is. Unless, as in the case of the footie World Cup, of course, there happens to be, shed loads of spondulicks or boatloads of greenbacks involved. If this is the case, then to the powers that be, all of the nonsense however foolish, suddenly becomes perfectly clear and acceptable to boot, or as I’ve learnt to say, ‘Fine and Dandy.’ (I got that phrase from Korky the Cat, newly enrolled and fully paid-up member of the Bays – what did I tell you about this club’s diversity!)
Now, the latest game report must wait just a little longer, as I’ve heard that the over 50 year old players in the club are to GO ON STRIKE! Yes that’s right, GO ON STRIKE! A spokesman for the players union, standing outside the neo-gothic edifice that is Bayshill House confirmed that wildcat strikes would be held throughout the Christmas period. Few people in the real world are aware that the CC of the Bays is considered the fifth Emergency Service and that to withhold their labour is a drastic and dramatic act. A written statement was released by the spokesman, who eloquently stated, when handing out copies of the report to the hundreds of reporters present, ‘We’ve had enough of being underpaid, under-appreciated and simply being taken for granted.’
Bayshill CC Over 50’s Cricketers’ Union – affiliated with Bayshill University Graduate Associations (BUGAS)
Statement
Duration of industrial action: 8th December – 17th January
As the fifth emergency service, we feel we must take action, having seen our conditions deteriorate in real terms over the last century. We are demanding a pay increase in line with all the other front line services that are essential for the functioning of a modern country that now makes nothing of importance any more. The government has simply refused to negotiate on our completely reasonable demands of 79.6%. The fact that there are no ambulances over the corresponding period, or indeed trains running, or nurses or doctors, teachers and lecturers, Royal Mail staff, civil servants and so on, makes no difference to the Bays, which supports all the other reasonable pay requests made to the government.
It will be ‘one hell of a Christmas party’ for all the workers, who won’t actually be working or as a consequence earning. In the new year, when the government capitulates and pays all the monies demanded to the various needy and cold workers, the country will be well on the road to recovery. Taxes raised from all the increased salaries will be massive and should if calculations are accurate, nearly cover all the pay awards. A ten or twenty per cent rise in income tax should do it and therefore prevent the country from going bust! At least all the workers who have received these pay increases can call themselves middle class and dare I say it rich, but they’ll have to work a little longer before they receive their pensions. By 2030, all workers will obtain the state pension at 78 if they’re lucky. Come on the Bays!
Chris Horner won the toss of the coin and immediately put the Bays into the freezing field with yet another last minute change of line-up. Aaron Brown, who had done his bit to boot the Bays out of the Cup competition returned at the last minute to don the Bays mantle, even if that included him wearing green shorts!
Birdlip and Brimpsfield started steadily and well enough, making 26 off the first three overs. Brown who had bowled the first over for just 6, returned for the fourth over, to have Bidmead caught sharply behind by Steve Liley for 8. The score was now 29. Blackburn (9) was caught by Aaron Brown in the sixth over off Alex Van Dyke’s accurate bowling with the score up to 50.
Jacques retired after reaching 25, with the middle order not making the same inroads into the Bays attack. Stirrup bowled Williams comprehensively for a golden one in the eighth over with the score on 69. Aaron then ran out Holder for 15, with a very accurate throw to the keeper, which the keeper noted made a splendid change! Jacques was back at the crease with Hancox now at the other end. With the very last ball, B&B looking for a last extra run, managed just a stumping by Steve Liley instead.
Horner had done his best with the fielding positions, but it must be said that there had been quite a bit of lacklustre fielding from many quarters. Even so, the total of 113 seemed within reach.
Bays raced to 35 before losing their first wicket in the fourth over, that of Stirrup (13 – one four). Just before the halfway point Aaron Brown was caught of Holder’s bowling for 8, with the score now 52. The Bays seemed to be tracking the B&B score closely enough for a
triumph. Adi Rai faced five balls for just 2 runs and it seemed that Bays’ assault on the 113 was fading, but then Adi smashed a consecutive six and a four, to put the Bays back in with a chance. However, the very next ball, there was a disastrous mix-up and Adi was run out, with all the various recriminations that run outs seem to have.
Horner had already retired and was back in the hutch, waiting for Steve Liley, number six to score rapidly or get the hell out of there in the pursuit of victory. Steve made 7 off 7, being unlucky not to score a six, which just caught the side wall. He then departed run out at the bowler’s end. Alex Van Dyke, batting at five now saw the return of Chris the captain. They took the score up to exactly a hundred, before the returning Chrissos was run out for 29, with one six to his name. Alex was now up to 13 and batting assuredly. Two overs left, with one wicket left and just 14 needed. Alex made two more, before being caught and thereby ending the Bays’ innings. As a team, the Bays have been pretty close in their run of five consecutive defeats, but that’s the beauty of the game of cricket!
The chairman, when questioned in the Rotunda later, on the Bayshill’s over 50’s strike stated it would have no effect on the team whatsoever. He noted that the team were not playing any fixtures of any type, between the dates in question. Also, he added, that the players have never received payments of any type, thereby making any request for a pay rise utterly irrelevant and nonsensical. What the Dickens is going on I ask myself? I surely don’t know.
(All the thoughts of Colonel Mustard described above, are not for the faint-hearted and should be taken with a pinch of salt or as Christmas is coming, possible a mince pie)
*half-baked due to their aggressive, unforgiving and repressive sun