Colonel Mustard carefully selects his favourite Brent or was it Canada Goose quill to dispense an odious joy, a heavy lightness and a huge pinch of blitheringness to all and sundry, in what must as always, be considered a match report one too many.
If cricket was devised as a game to entertain, it would have been played closer to the spectators, if indeed it was meant to be watched at all. From a stand or even the boundary rope, it is easy to ascertain the general picture of what is transpiring, but can you see the look of trepidation on the batman’s face or the smirk of the bowler? I think not, unless you let your imagination do the ‘heavy lifting’ as it were. The mental retina can provide a certain degree of accuracy however, as for example, when the striker is hit amidships his expression can immediately be impressed upon the mind, without the requirement to see his screwed up ‘fizzog’ and indeed the resultant purple and black bruise. It is still fully appreciated although thank goodness, completely hidden from the optical retinas.
Taken to its illogical conclusion, it would perhaps be better to imagine the Bays’ team playing, in a cheapo ‘brain-driven virtual reality’ sort of way and forgo the real-life version. I jest with you dear reader, as virtual this and virtual that, mean virtually nothing to me at all.
Cricket is, after all is said and done, just a small narrative that unfurls on the turf in just the way a play advances on the stage. God’s teeth, I’m almost getting philosophical which will never do. I’ll be quoting the Bard and looking for reviews in the broadsheets if I go on like this.
Larry the Cat may be a surprise entrant into this match report at this juncture, but he is there for good reason. As can be seen from the attached correspondence, there is the smallest of chances that he may be taking over the Presidential duties of this noble club of ours. Hoggy the hedgehog although not officially in The Great Hedgehog Sanctuary in the Sky, has recently gone more than a little quiet. Senior members of our club fear the worst.
Larry, as all who know this furry feline well, understand him to have a slight distaste for Scotsmen. Although not endorsing such a dangerous political view, this club can see some valid reasons for this stance. The only person from the mighty Bays, admitting to come from north of the border (God bless Hadrian) has stated on many occasions, ‘I love Hearts!’ which needs I assure you to be said very carefully in order to avoid any unnecessary confusion and dare I say it revolt. But enough of this Caledonian nonsense.
Before turning to the last outdoor match report of the season, it must be mentioned that Bayshill beetle expert, Alex Van Dyke today played his last game as a bachelor boy, The next time he is referred to by this mighty organ, he will be sailing on the matrimonial
briny having become a complete half of a Mr and Mrs. It is for you the dear reader to guess which half!
Flight Club was the venue for his latest and I believe last Stag-Do. The Amsterdam venture which took place over several months was apparently enjoyed at a wild and none too abstemious level – well done to all the stags who streaked like harts towards cooling streams when heated on the chase.
Now I’m going to move sedulously to the match report, before wandering off into such bushes of diversion as the Virtual Pipe Smokers, The Goblin Tree Appreciation Society or even the exclusive Bayshill Arctophile club. Enough, I say is enough! Like the French egg seller, who’d gone off his onion, or was that someone else?
Old Pritchers, thrust once more, back into the pedagogical harness or straight jacket as ex-teachers lovingly call it, cleverly lost the toss but managed to bat, which was his cricketing desire of the day. There was no need for him to temporize over the batting line-up, as temporizing is for chaps who don’t know their stuff.
Chris Horner, Bayshill stalwart and mighty six-hitter, batting in just his fifth match of the season looked good from the off. Chris who has played for the club for almost as long as some of the club’s dinosaurs made a steady start punctuating the scorebook with fours. Alex, bachelor-boy beetle expert, decided that a bit of dottage was the way forward, striking ten of the finest Seurat inspired points before lofting the ball skywards towards Elon Musk’s light-polluting satellites. His next ball reared slightly and catching the bat unexpectedly drifter back to the bowler, who greedily gobbled the said offering. Not cricket really bearing in mind Alex’s personal circumstances. Woodward didn’t seem to care though.
Pritchard, who sadly will have no poem this week, took Alex’s place and got into a serious bit of dottage himself. He couldn’t match the outgoing bat’s 10 though, only managing a mere 9. However, if there’s one thing about our present captain, it’s his love of four play, followed by wild six. Striking the ball hither and thither and indeed willy and nilly, his score ascended quickly, but alas, his partner Mr Horner was caught for 44 and gone. Chris also a hedonistic fore-play man on the golf course, hit nine cracking cricketing fours of his own in his 47 deliveries. The score was now up to 73 off 15 overs.
Toffee Chris Weyman managed just the 6 dots before whacking a big six disdainfully over the boundary of this beautifully embowered venue. And do it went on, with Old Pritchers weaving his own brand of magic with his wand of willow. The spell was broken with the score up to 89 and the captain left the scene with 34 runs off 49 balls, also bowled.
Tom Liley recently engaged on tour, joined the Bays’ own chocolate bar to share an unbroken partnership of 93 for the fourth wicket. Chris carried on hitting the ball to all
parts, finished on 44 off 40 with four 4s and two big sixes. Tom however endeavoured to outscore the Toffee man, hitting 9 fours and one six to finish his innings, unbeaten on 51* off just 25 deliveries with a mere 7 dots!
Before the Bays left the field Steve Liley managed 5 dots and two singles to amass 2* runs personally and with Chris Weyman’s extra 5 bringing the score up to 190.
The tea provided deserves a mention. A great variety of choice and strong tea to boot. At this point I’d like you to imagine a great cricketing tea… & a cheeky stoup of Abbot thrown in for good measure.
Bushley set about the task of the 190 runs slowly at first. Kavla and Nair took 8 off the first three overs, which were delivered by Harding of the M persuasion and Rodders of the Macleod ilk or should I say tartan. (I’ve just been warned about stereotyping, so I won’t be going down the och aye the noo route…)
However, the Scotsman’s second over went for 16, seeing him smashed to all parts of the ground. Trees quivered, spectators shook, even the beetle on the stumps (noticed by Alex) trembled, nowhere seemed safe, with the ball reaching places it seemed indecent for a ball to get to. His next went for 22 as the onslaught continued on this modern Flodden Field. Surprisingly, Rodders was amazed to be taken off, to be replaced by Guthrie, bending the captains’s ear about not being told, as he left his bowling duties. Strange, he was the only Bayshillian who didn’t realise he’d been replaced.
Angus didn’t hang around dismissing not only Kavla, but his replacement the very next ball. Sadly the hatrick wasn’t managed, but the tone of the game had been changed. Mc Ghee was in at three and Free in at four. This didn’t perturb Nair, who continued to bash whoever bowled, for sixes mainly. A flock of Canada Geese sailed overhead, with more honking than that had come from Dick Seaman’s old car.
Tom Liley who replaced Michael who bowled creditably for 29, bearing in mind Nair’s antics, took the wicket of captain Hartland for 16. The score was now Nelson off 17 overs, or for the non-cricketing readers, 111.
J Hartland was well caught out bt Tom Liley off Colin Harding’s bowling, bringing a dangerous innings to a close. 125 for 6 and the batsmen kept coming. Jonson was run out smartly. Macleod then returned to the fray, to bowl Layton and Johnson and indeed take a third wicket LBW, which was rescinded by the Bays’ captain on the basis the batsman had hit the ball. Rod ever the sportsman, took it on the chin and didn’t mention the subject again. Well not until later in the pub at least, but I won’t mention that here, as I wish not to besmirch a Highlander’s character.
Tom Liley and surprisingly Steve Pritchard finished the bowling duties. Pritchers only went for 4 off his over, immediately propelling him into the all-rounder category, whilst Tom removed the potential match-winner Nair for 67, caught well by Angus Guthrie.
Bushers were 161 all out, just 30 runs short with 3.4 overs left. If Nair had survived, things may have turned out differently.
Bayshill 190/3
Horner 44/47/9/0
Pritchsrd S 34/49/5/1
Weyman 44*/40/4/2
Liley T 51*/25/9/1
R Woodward – 6-2-15-1
Bushley 161/10
Nair 67,J Hartland 31
Macleod 6/1/54/2
Guthrie A 6/0/24/3
Liley T 3.2/0/16/2
Harding C 4/0/26/2