Colonel Mustard is enthused to be back in the fold and is veritably bubbling with joy to be writing this epistle if you like, on the Bays quarter final, against the Winner of Match 5 of The First Round Proper. With a spanking brand new (yes indeed) Canada Goose quill in hand and a flagrant disregard for the dangers associated with repetitive stress injury, he repeatedly dips the sharpened point or dare I suggest nib, into his much-used and blackened, sooty inkwell, which some of you, I’m sure would like to know is actually a refashioned 1920’s silver mustard pot with a still perfectly unblemished, Birmingham anchor hallmark. The clear, borage blue original glass insert, he assures me, works perfectly well as any bespoke inkwell might and has the marvellous additional distinct advantage that it may be sealed on completion of written tasks with any old champagne cork that may be to hand and, I add in hushed tones, that in his case, this happens to be a great many indeed. Now, you have a need to know, that the particular vellum, he most prefers to put his inky ‘scratchings’ down on, is today, due to the march of progress, as we tend to call this flagrant misnomer or backward step, in desperately short supply. Thankfully though, the Colonel has many dubious friends, most whom he naturally disdainfully looks down upon and considers and categorises as mere acquaintances, in it has to be said, the lowest of quarters, who can and readily do, access most products for him, however obscure, outdated or bizarre. Vellum is a good example of such a product; meticulously prepared calfskin, he can obtain at the most reasonable of prices. The Colonel as most of you know is as woke as the dawn chorus (see attached photo re definition of woke) and doesn’t like such vulgar terms as, ‘The Black Market,’ or indeed ‘Black Friday,’ thinking them both a bit near the damn knuckle. He is much happier to prefer the ‘robbing hood’ phrase, when it comes to the redistribution of wealth, or even for those lucky enough to have the most dexterous of digits, ‘Five finger Discount.’ However, without further ado or hogwash, to the Colonel.
Well I’m jolly well back from beyond and I can assure you, that it’s a place like no other. I’m not sure what it’s beyond, but that’s of no concern here, as this electronic screen you’re currently peering at myopically, is dedicated to matters pertaining to cricket and simply nothing else, as the regular reader (whoever that melancholic individual happens to be) will already know.
Now, I’m not going to get distracted by all that Lord Lucan nonsense, which this worthy organ unexpectedly brought up a fortnight and a week or so ago. That was about as welcome as a severe dose of dyspeptic acidic projectile vomiting. That parallel Bays universe stuff isn’t going to deter me either, but I must admit it sounds pretty attractive to me. I’m not even going to begin describing how this, our universe’s favourite condiment, magnificent mustard, that is, rose to the giddy stratospheric heights that it enjoys today. (nb In the very same parallel universe mentioned in the last couple of weeks in this mighty organ, I am delighted to report that Mustard in all its glorious forms is considered like cricket, to be a higher life form, a religion if such a ‘crude’ word has to be attached to it. There are: Mustardists, Hard Line Dijonnists, Seventh Day Course-Seed Proponents, Tewkers Horseradish Tammy Radicals, Mustard Powder Extremists – hard-liners not to be messed with, Sennepists, Sinapsis Albists, Moutarde Ardens and so on ad infinitum.)
Cricket is all you’ll get from me from now on. I’m not going to mention potatoes and how they go so well with mustard, because I must say I feel a trifle piqued, dear reader. I’m not even going to include the Song of Potato Pete for your delight, you’ll just have to do without it! And as for Korky the Cat, who has asked for Bayshill membership, he’ll have to wait as well. However, before I begin reporting on whether I can get my old barrel keys, the way Sir Geoffrey used to, into the cracks on the indoor track or pitch, I must tell you that old Lordy Lucan as I call him, is one hundred per cent not yours truly, even if things look a trifle, eency weency bit dodgy in the Hall and Lead Pipe departments. You, dear reader, will just have to trust me implicitly and that is that. I have to say, after all, have I ever let you down? Now then, don’t you dare answer that you bounder! If you really must ponder on a topic of gargantuan importance, then you should attempt to puzzle out why the little blue Bounty bars are being taken out of Celebration boxes. Let your creative little grey cells run riot on solving that particular enigma, if you dare!
But before the cricket of today, I’m going to take you into my confidence and ask you to make a judgement on something relating to Bays Bizarre Boundaries. No it’s not a new TV show hosted by Bruce Forsyth or even Ronnie Corbett, but a simple list of Bays’ boundaries, from which you must choose the best or indeed most weird. Naturally, there have been many sixes where the ball is lost and there are fours that have disappeared aplenty, but these little beauties from the Bays archive are possibly amongst the best. If you know of any boundary that should be included in this Hall of Infamy, then send a postcard to Back of the Radiator, Bays House, Goblin Towers, Cheltenhamshire, Ch6464OK.
1/ Will Atkinson Bays v St.Martins (c1988) A
Six over legside boundary to hit a Jersey Cow, which mooed sadly.
2/ Pete Skitt Bays v Dymock (c1995) A
Six high over pavilion to land and dent the bonnet of his own car, which he had carefully parked there, to prevent it being damaged by the ball.
3/ Steve Liley Bays v Pacific (c2001) H
Flat six to hit the tiny 15cm x 15cm reinforced frosted window in the Ladies Toilet, making a bullet-type peep hole in the middle.
4/ Chris Horner Bays v Stanton Sunday Sloggers (c2010) A
Straight six, which unfortunately lands on a passer-bys head. As far as we’re aware he didn’t sustain a serious injury, although he was we believe taken to hospital. (Not Chris, the bloke who copped it!)
5/ Chris Horner Bays v Frampton (2016) A
Driven four to hit a speeding lycra-clad cyclist’s bike. Cyclist shouts angrily, ‘This bike is worth 2 thousand pounds.
6/ Chris Horner Bays v Frampton (2016) A
Driven four that hits a speeding blue Renault car. The ball bounces up into the wheel arch to become lodged somewhere. The car and ball disappear never to be seen again. Now assuming that the car in question has been doing about 10K miles per year, then Chris’s four is increasing as you read this. In fact by now, it should have clocked up something like 60,000 miles – 2.5 times around the Earth or indeed a quarter of the way to the Moon. The mightiest blow ever surely!
Bayshill should have won this game by all accounts, for the very reason that eight of the players are current or ex-Bays players. The two who turned out against the Bays both returned 25 runs without loss, showing why the Bays is considered to be a nursery for cricketers of the future!
Bays were put into bat by St. Stephens and it all started, ‘Very well’, as young Mr Grace used to say in a bygone age on the black and white telly. With Chris Horner doing a John MacEnroe impression in the umpire’s box, the game began. Fran Stirrup and Angus Guthrie began well enough, with 37 posted on the scoreboard before Angus was well caught and bowled for 14 off 17 by Mahesh Patel. Fran was on 19 at the time, but was to add just a single before being caught off Aaron Brown’s bowling, the score now up to 48.
Alex Van Dyke and Adi Rai were now at the wicket, with the latter continuing his good run of form with a 25 not out off just 11, which included two driven fours and a well-timed lofted six. Alex made 15 off 12 before being caught and bowled by bad-boy ex Bays Brown. Tom and Steve Liley finished the innings without the necessary fireworks. Tom made 6 off 5, but was it seemed cast adrift at the wrong end as Steve kept swatting and missing the ball, to amass a paltry single off 8. The Bays made 91 for 3. Not enough, I hear you cry and you’d jolly well be right.
St. Stephens got off to a steady start, getting to 23, before George Berry was run out for 8 by Tom Liley throwing accurately to keeper Steve to remove the bails. Aaron Batchelor made his 25 off 21 with one four and one six. Leadbeater was bowled by Fran Stirrup with the score up to 31, giving the Bays a whiff of victory. Another 14 runs were added before Angus Guthrie caught Jason Haines one-handed, for just a single off Stirrup’s bowling. Could the Bays push on and win? Well the answer sadly was an emphatic, ‘No!’
Aaron Brown smacked a quick 27 off 17, with the other Aaron back at the other end. The winning run was made at the beginning of the 12th over. A slightly lacklustre performance overall for the Bays, but some good individual efforts it must be said. Ex Bays Aarons bookended the batting for St. Stephens to carry them to a well earned victory. we wish them well in the semi-final!