Colonel Mustard reports from the flower pricked Alpine pastures of Birdlip, high above the vast metropolis of Cheltenham

7 days after the dubious delights of Droitwich, the mighty Bays defied gravity to stream upwards to the dizzy heights of Birdlip. Like the great rivers of the world, the Bays just keeps rolling along and just like the mightiest of them all, the Amazon, it delivers all summer long (& in the indoor league in the winter too).

By gadsbudlikins, I’m going to move to the match report without further obfuscation. So here goes – brace yourself!

Nobster back from dangerous liaisons with both Harris and Lewis won the toss – not a caber in sight I have to say. Vp no 2 – Chrissos H and Fran S our indoor expert went to bat on the north face of Birdlip. How a bird can have a lip I don’t know, although there are duck-billed dinosaurs, but that had nothing to do with anything!

Belligerent hitting and rapid scoring made a bit of change for the Bays when setting a target. Chris H went for 71 with 3 juicy sixes decorating high and the total on 133 after 18 overs and drinks! (Some were very nice I have to say, although nice is not a word I’d normally employ)

The overs slowly disappeared with Fran cutting and slashing imperially towards a century. Some silly Bays players wanted Fran to retire, but would he? I’ll tell you shortly, but before I do I’d like to say zooterkins and bescumber for no other reason than I can. Yes, I knew you’d like that! I know about such things.

If you want to spray it about then do so I say! Well Fran was out for 87 caught in the covers. ‘Thunderation!’ Fran was heard to cry!

260 and that was it! Pritchard aka Edward Scissorhands made a pedagogic 45 -A* at GCSE in most subjects and Nobby the Nobster 26 – a sound pass at A Level in Latin, the Greek entry (don’t ask) & Croatian Studies.

And so to the field!

The Bays took to the semi Arctic field with the wind blowing in inexorably off the glacier on Crickley Hill, scene of a prehistoric battle – irrelevant today that!

And by the thundering scrotal hernia supports of the senior members, it all began well. With a vice like grip Saunders and young Alex Harding throttled any attacking inertia out of Birdlip’s openers. Tom Liley and Colin Harding (wily fox) bowled the next 14 for 68, with Colin taking 2 for 35.

Some brilliant catching by Alex Harding (2) and Tom Liley and Fran Stirrup, one a piece saw the Bays going in the right direction. Fran Stirrup took 3 for 14 off four, Pierce 2 for 19 off 4 and Colin Harding 2 for 35 off 7.

But wait I hear you the quiet and cognisant reader ask, who took the last wicket. Well strangely, it was by the left and highly educated arm of the wicket keeper! I know that defies all logic and physics if truth be told. The middle stump was shattered in not two, but four places and left like a piece of limp rhubarb pinched from the great rhubarb triangle of the north.

Yes, Steve Liley off half his normal run in of 366 paces had thundered down and released a Wellingtonian cannonball that flashed past the gaping and bewildered batsman to remove the stump that cartwheeled back to almost impale Alex Van Dyke! Standing up to this sort of pace, he must be off his chump! He’s no scobberlotcher by crikey!

Birdlip 194 off their 35, with Williams making a good 49, whilst Green carried his bat for 47. Holder T made 23 and extras 30.

So the Bays retreated to the pavilion to enjoy post match drinks. Well done to them and Birdlip! A match played in good spirit.

I don’t wish to be a rakefire, so I’ll sign off here and say well done. Before I do, I must say that the post match post match drinks in the Royal George were splendido! Hurrah for the Ale of the Abbot. Almost makes you want to pull on the cassock. Not that sort of way you filthy beast!

Colonel Mustard signs off for a fortnight, as he’s at her Majesty’s pleasure due to an understanding. Next week’s report will be deposited by a guest reporter. We look forward to that. (Mustard does so, from his cell, in his straight-jacket)

Bayshill 260/2
C Horner 71/54 8&1
Stirrup 87/70 7&1
Pritchard S 45/52 3/0 Pierce A 26/24 3&0

Birdlip 194/8
Holder T 23
Williams A 49
Green A 47*
Harding C 7/1/35/2
Stirrup F 4/0/14/3
Pierce A 4/0/19/2
Liley S 2/0/10/1