Ivor Thurston reports on Bayshill’s exit from the Knock-out cup this Monday. (Colonel Mustard is currently unavailable. He has had to return to a pop-up sanatorium somewhere near to Bury-St-Edmunds, following uncorroborated news that Bayshill CC was to become an attraction at Peppa Pig World)
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to report to you tonight, details of Bayshill’s latest indoor game in the Men’s Indoor League. However, before I do so, I have to bring you information of the utmost importance on two subjects affecting the mighty Bays.
A spokesman outside of Bayshill House standing amongst the dancing and mincing snowflakes, confirmed that the guide issued by the European Union on inclusivity was going to be ignored 100% by the club, on the grounds that those foreign Johnnies have clearly gone out of their tiny, tiny underused foreign minds. He further remonstrated that this sort of nonsense wouldn’t have been given much truck in his day; a day when a man was man and a woman was a woman. Much simpler times indeed. Moving on rapidly and refusing to take questions, he dealt with the second, possibly graver issue.
Clearing his throat somewhat unconvincingly, he began with a slight stutter, which I have to say, is in my opinion always the signal to show a ‘whopper’ is soon to be told. Peppa Pig World will at this time not be including Bayshill CC as an attraction. Rumours that the Chairman had recently been spotted in London (see previous match report & photos) to wrap up a highly lucrative deal are simply not true. Bayshill CC is fiercely independent and will always continue that way, he reitereated, before holding up his hand and retreating from the massed ranks of reporters of the world press. He was heard to utter before he disappeared, ‘I like pigs I does. That Porky Pig knows his stuff!’
Away from the machinations of big business, Chris Horner lost the toss before this evening’s game. Some said that Peppa Pig Gate had affected his spin technique, but this is speculation. Bay were put into bat and made a half decent start. Both Fran ‘The Horse’ Stirrup and VP No 2 looked as though they were heading to the balcony with their wickets still safe. But then tragedy struck with the score on 38. Fran went for 21 off just 13 deliveries and the ship was rocked. Horner then left on 12 off 15 without further runs being added, as though knowing Fran had an Abbot for him in the viewing area. Tom Liley and Alex Van Dyke moved the score upwards a little before Alex (2 off 3) was run out having slipped! Tom repeated his innings of the previous week, hitting a big six and then being caught (6 off 7) with the score on 48. Wicket keeper Steve L added 4 off 7 and with the score on 55 he left clean bowled off a full toss, which he didn’t see coming! Adi then moved the score to 70 before repeating his mistake of the previous week, being stumped, having made 17 off 19.
Cheltenham Civil Service started badly, with both openers going without scoring. Were CCSCC trying to give the Bays an early Christmas present? Apparently not. Callum Wilson
made his way to 28, before Baker and Leadbetter brought the bacon home. This seemed unfortunate with the rumours about Peppa Pig Land circulating wildly.
And so the Bays left the competition and retired to The Lansdown once more. To rub salt into the wound, there was no Abbot, so the sulking got worse!