Colonel Mustard once again picks up his Brent Goose quill and lets rip on the Bays’ latest antics. Oh, and their latest match report as well, before anyone has the cheek and is so bold as to suggest that this organ encourages flights of fancy!
Things are moving quickly now within the vast and gloomy edifice of Bayshill House. Since the appointment of the new outdoor captain, a host of expensive specialist decorators have been tasked by the Chairman no less, with providing the new incumbent with a space ‘fit for purpose.’ Several tons of heavy, soul-infused vinyl and bakelite records were reported to have been seen, being dumped rather unceremoniously, into a large yellow skip positioned somewhat discreetly at the side of the enormous Palladian style building.
The new captain has it seems, swept away all the strange detritus left behind for some reason by the last incumbent, in his office; piles of Oxford bag trousers binned, several dozen pairs of Brogue shoes put on eBay and about two hundredweight of dance-fuelling dexedrine tablets, generously donated to the local hospital. All, it must be said, are fine and most sensible moves for any new captain, who by choice, wears a sooty black gown and mortar board and who it has been reported on good authority, wishes to be seen as squeaky clean as a new Year 7 pupil, from a school, with playing fields the size of the Mongolian Plateau. Indeed, the new captain’s office, on his dictatorial order, is to be renamed The Great Head Cricketer’s Study and is to be decorated with a distinct pedagogical bent. Dark reclaimed oak panelling of considerable age and price, has been installed from floor to ceiling, with elm wooden floors, stained to a similar sombre hue. These are to be highly polished weekly, with a renegade (but cheap) 1960’s rotary buffing machine that has a devious mind of its own, as to where it leads Jean, the ancient, diminutive and completely servile but grubby, cleaning lady.
‘Hi Jean,’ is the sarcastic nuanced morning greeting to the said employee, by the various ivory towered Bayshill officials, as they are delivered their customary, regulation, two custard creams or indeed Bath Olivers, from the squeaky-wheeled tea trolley for their elevenses.
Also, spiders of several native type have been carefully sourced from environmentally friendly websites, to be set free by the hundred, to roam at will. These, it is hoped, a spokesman announced, will help create the homely effect of numerous discreet webs across the small opaque diamond shaped pieces of glass that together, constitute the massive mullioned bay window of this newly named study. Racks of heavily-used, whippy and most unfriendly canes of every description and wood-type imaginable and whips indeed, crowd three of the four walls, jostling aggressively for space. Extinct and exotic blue butterflies pinned most crudely and rare stuffed beasts with extended herniated paunches, lazy eyes and dodgy teeth, rear most unconvincingly, crammed within many different sized dusty glass cases. All these horrors, fight desperately for a place to be seen, with the aforementioned plethora of canes, whips and indeed the many and various esteemed Bayshill CC Honours Boards.
The Captain’s board, by chance a massive highly adorned rococo shield, takes prime position, towering, having been positioned, high above the purple-veined Blue John mantle that presides over the voluminous but smoky alabaster stone fireplace. The newly added Gothic, gold-leafed lettering for the new incumbent and the shiny new year of 2023, seems very
bright indeed and is it possible, dare I to suggest such a thing, that the appointed scribe had been instructed to make the lettering a trifle larger than all of the other previous captains, dating back all the way to very beginning, to The Bays Big Bang of 1982?
The fourth wall of the study is given over to vast numbers of weighty tomes on the history of cricket from an educational perspective. Various dusty sections include; Early Cricketing Education, The Wisdom of Wisden, Cricket Captains and Retirement, Captains and Striking (the ball) and so on. In the corner of the room, almost hidden by the vast scroll top desk, in complete contrast to the rest of sumptuous furniture and decorations, there is a small and unpretentious basket that houses a diminutive but rather pungent and nervy canine that goes by the name of Scampi. On several occasions already, Jean trying to be helpful, has ordered the new captain a fishy lunchtime meal, having heard him bellow loudly an order as clear as that for a quick single on a fine summer’s day.
‘Scampi in the basket!’
But all of the above dear reader, is merely hearsay and gossip, hallucination and but a little slander and should be taken with just the merest pinch of snuff and maybe even a stiff livener of a noggin. The writer distances himself completely and wholly from all such exact details, which he adds were mysteriously provided by a source very close to the club, who was ‘in need of a few quid.’ I leave it to you the esteemed and noble reader, to decide on where the reality starts to begin and the fantasy begins to end.
However, before we move inexorably to the match report, there is credible breaking news concerning our new captain. On the Bayshill WhatsApp thingy, the captain posted the following, which seems to indicate that he’s certainly taking his new cricketing role as seriously as is possible to imagine.
‘Soon be reaching retirement age’ – Steve
With the extra time on his hands, he’ll surely make the Bays great again. This organ would like to be the first to congratulate Steve P on taking on the pipe and slippers at such a tender age in the interests of the club. Well done to him I say. Pip pip old boy!
Two days before the Bays latest match, a strange sight was to be beheld in the bright blue sky of a winter’s afternoon. A cloud rainbow no less, a harbinger perhaps, a sign of hope, for those with fanciful minds. Could this altocumulus cloud have been a sign from above, that the Bays were to do something special on Wednesday? Of course not reader, such musings are for those of with muddled, mixed-up, crack-pot minds. You know, the sort that believe in things like horoscopes. God’s teeth! Scientists call this phenomenon, cloud iridescence no less and report that is the result of small droplets of water or ice being diffracted by the sun’s light. Thank goodness we’ve cleared that up.
Wednesday 25th January was a day that brought promises of heavy weaponry from the US of A and from Germany for Ukraine. A splendid birthday present indeed, for President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. By chance, the heavy artillery of the Bays batting was found and then unleashed on the birthday of Steve, their wicketkeeper, and Oscar, the indoor captain’s son! A visual and moving present for the eyes of the massed Bays spectators in the heaving
but freezing gallery above. These included the Chairman, the website Supremo, the still recuperating Tom Liley and indeed Abbie.
St. Philips North won the toss and elected to field and within a short space of time, must have been wondering what had hit them. All the Bays’ problems of previous weeks seemed to evaporate rapidly, as the batsmen took to the task as easily as Wally had taken to the briny. The first over went for 11 with Chris VP no 2 – Captain Crazy making 4 and his partner Adi Rai six, with one well driven four. The second over was also shared, this time Adi making 3 and Chris 6, but the important thing here, was the intent of the batsmen was clear and rotating the strike proving most effective. Fowler bowled the third and his second over and a further 15 were added, this time Adi making nine, with a punishing six extras also to be added to the score. Yearsley only went for 6 in the next over, but at this point is looked like the dam may well have been breached as the Bays pushed on. Luke Sprigmore went for 11 in his first over, with the score up to 53 off 5, to be followed by brother Adam, who went for just seven, at the half way point. Horner on 20 off 15, then fell to the Sprigmore combination on the first ball of the eighth over, bowled Adam and caught easily by Luke, to be replaced by Fran on Severn Stirrup. Adi stepped up a gear now, hitting the back wall for 4, before retiring on 27 off 12, and going to the balcony, for Alex Bertram Bassett Van Dyke to take centre stage.
Alex must have eaten three Shredded Wheat for brekkie, or fired a couple of Abbo Reserves down before the game, as the next over was to see him break as many as four Bays records. Luke Sprigmore had bowled two reasonably tidy overs for 18, before being dismissed summarily, by the bludgeoning bat of the gladiatorial Alex. Indeed, Mr Van Dyke made 27 off 7 (record for the fastest 25), took 23 runs off the over (record for an over), with three consecutive sixes (record) and 28 including extras off the over in total (club record runs in an over). The score rocketed from 79 to 107 with three overs, still to go.
Angus Guthrie joined Fran, who continued the heavy assault on the bowling and he seemingly appeared intent on causing mayhem, injury and damage to all things in the hall. The umpire simply couldn’t get out of the way of his violence, blocking a four with his body, whilst other players also found themselves battered and bruised. His 26 came off 19, included one six and three fours. Guthrie hit three before being caught, allowing Adi to return with two overs still left and Steve Keeper Liley now on strike. Liley hit Yearsley for 3 off the first ball of the last over, but an inaccurate throw pushed that 3, upwards to a four. Adi milked a further ten off the last five balls. Steve was then sadly run out, after backing up, but then crucially hesitating, before running Bolt-like to the keeper’s end. 143 for 3 was posted by the Bays. A very high score, but still some 10 or so shy of the club record, which no one knows exactly.
St. Philips North began the assault on the mighty Bays total with at least some hope, with the Sprigmore brothers taking the lead. 7 off the first four, with two threes showed their initial intent, but Adam then attempted to pull heavily to leg, but only managed a slight contact. Adi Rai at first, looking to save his own life by ducking, realised the ball was travelling much more slowly and consequently took the catch comfortably. Any hope of victory was extensively quashed in the next over when a mix-up caused the other brother, Luke to be run out by Angus Guthrie, with an accurate throw to the keeper. He left visibly fuming to the balcony with an interesting barrage of expletives. 13 for 2 off two, became 28 for three when
Fran Stirrup worked out his angles, to catch Fowler of the wall, for 14 off Adi’s bowling. Alex bowled a tidy over for just the four, to be followed by Fran who then went for 6. At the halfway point St.P’s were 41 for 4, meaning they were still 102 short of the required figure.
The runs had all but dried up by now and survival if that’s the word came into play. Angus went for just six in the next and Fran this time four. 52 off 8 now, with Adi returning to dismiss Curr, caught well by Angus. Stirrup bowled the tenth which went for eight, but was unlucky not to take a wicket, seeing the keeper most uncharacteristically fluff one. It’s a good job Fran doesn’t take offence – he’s a damned decent chap!
Alex Heinz Van Dyke bowled what was to be the last over, having Craig Sprigmore, the St. Philips keeper, stumped this time with great aplomb, by Bays’ keeper Steve the Abbot Liley for 21.
The game was up, St. Philips were all out for 70 off 10.4 overs. Parity had been restored in the universe, with the Bays now having four wins from 8. When the team last played St. Philips, the Bays were a man light, but even so made a close run of it that day. Today, at full strength there was no hint of a problem.
The Rotunda saw wild winning and birthday celebrations to boot, with pints of every description being dispatched merrily along with glasses of red wine and so on and so on. What can the Bays achieve next? Colonel Mustard signs off with a spring in his youthful step. Hurrah!