Colonel Mustard somewhat stymied by events far beyond his earthly control, sits backs and makes some pre-Kingsholm notes for your attention.
Chingsehame is a place of interest to the people who constitute Bayshill Cricket Club. In the year of 1220, this small hamlet had nothing to do with cricket, mainly for the reason that the game had yet to be invented. Invented it was of course quite a few hundred years later, as described in some of the recent Conan Doyle match reports.
Originally, it seems that our old friends the Vikings no less, actually played a game not unlike cricket of old. Knattleikr it was called and it involved a ball and lethal big wooden bats. There I am afraid, the similarity ends. Part of the fun for the Norse folk, was the incredible violence used by the participants. The game like our Test Matches of today was played all day and there were considerable injuries inflicted and more than the occasional death. Sometimes after games of cricket today, there are arguments between unhappy combatants. Even the Bayshill, which has a fine chivalric history, compared to most other teams, has a few violent blemishes of note, in its distant past. Well, the Vikings went just a little further than mere fisty cuffs, preferring the use of a battle axe to settle some score or other. Well, you once again will think I’m bringing unrelated claptrap into this report, but I must say you’ve blundered there ‘old boy’ or ‘girl’*.
The Vikings get there mention here, because as I’m sure you’ve already guessed, due to our opponents and nothing else. No, they are not Beserkers (or at least, I don’t think they are) or as they were sometimes called Shield-biters, but its the team’s name that has the Viking connection. Ching is simple really, in that in time it became King. It is the ‘hame,’ that as anyone living close to a riparian environment will know, is the long version of ham, which is a variant of the Old Norse, ‘holme.’ So this Sunday, the mighty Bays took on ‘The Watery Meadow team of the King.’ I’m unsure that Charles III or even our own King Spike is aware of this, but it is irrefutable fact. I personally like to imagine that the fixtures secretary was thinking of our new Honorary President, King Spike of Birdland, when he set up this contest. (See attached photo of his award ceremony – Most Popular Penguin in the World)
Etymological changes to date:- Chingeshame 1220, la Gingesham 1230, Kingeshamme 1287, Kyngeshame 1304, Kyngesham 1364, Kyngeshome 1287, Kyngeshom 1245, Kyngeshomme 1287, Kyngesholm(e) 1413 & 1436, Kyngsome 1589, Kingsholm 2023.
Before we rush to the game, I need to refer to one of Bayshill’s very own Vikings. (See attached photograph with evidence, emblazoned on the boat to prove his status) Chris Horner, opening batsman, Virtual Pipe-smoker No2 and all round fun-seeker is shown here pulling in a Large Blue Weever Fish. Chris, well-known for his regard for all matters concerning health and safety, hauled in the highly toxic said fish, with all safety matters covered to the letter. If you look carefully, you can see the protective gloves to fend off toxins from the highly poisonous barbs as well as the necessary paddle tether to, prevent being lost at sea.
Chris the Explorer / Fisherman; his soubriquet in Cornwall, Devon and even Scilly, is setting up his own outward-bound ‘adventure holiday’ company. In a brief statement to his cricket
club, swaying a little on the pavement outside Bayshill House, Chris said that his holidays would include canoeing to remote craggy islands surrounded by dangerous swirling tidal waters, catching highly toxic fish from the canoe and of course fine dining (See gourmet sausage roll evenings).
Nobby the Nobster was the more than willing ‘virgin’ volunteer to try out a place on Chris’s first expedition. From a hospital bed yesterday, he said, ‘It was great fun and safe as houses. There was only an 80% chance of being lost at sea, a 75% chance of being poisoned by a Blue weever and a 95% chance of food poisoning. I’m happily recovering from food poisoning and hence have had to withdraw from the game at Kingholm, but I think I was unlucky. Chris knows his stuff all right. He’s the Bays Bear Grylls!’
* boy or girl – archaic but correct term for persons of either of the two genders, for young people. Some people today think this wrong, but it’s 100% accurate my normal and undisturbed friends and not the product of a confused, distorted or warped brain.
To the game forthwith.
Explorer and most remarkably, recently returned Chris Horner, opened with Fran (Indoor expert cricketer) Stirrup, in a 35 over game in the watery meadow of the King. Nobby the Nobster as stated earlier was sidelined, meaning the Bays hit the field with just the ten. There were 2 more Bays cricketers in attendance, but both these were injured, so I’m not even going to mention them here, because if I did, it would raise the issue of the Bays being a team of teachers, with a quarter of those present, fulfilling that criterion. Only the one teacher, the captain himself, was playing though and he was, as it turned out to be, the tosser with a smile on his face. Yes, my friends, he did what he had to and afterwards, put the mighty Bays into bat.
Horner, still recovering from the effects of the briny, went on his fourth dot ball for a quacker, clean bowled behind his legs by Rowe, with the score on just 2. Captain Pritchard looking as smart and clean as any cricketer could in the circumstances, joined Fran in the middle for a partnership of 26. Kingholm’s secret weapon on the day, was none other than ex Bayshill player Phil Steers, who had the Bays captain bowled for just 8 off 26 in the seventh over.
Fran seemed unperturbed by the loss of his opening partners, hitting the ball with good timing and finding the boundary rope every so often. Alex Van Dyke now joined the bearded WG look alike Fran and although starting well, was caught for just seven. The score had climbed to 50 now, with nearly 11 overs of the 35, gone and the Grand Old Man on 28.
Tom Liley cracked a couple of fours and at the same time Fran started to move the score along. Tom mistimed one and the result was he was on his way, caught out pretty simply. Fran finished his innings of 55 in the meantime in style, cracking the ball out of the ground and onto the net cage. He wandered off undefeated off 47 with 8 fours and the big six.
Michael Harding made a quick sixteen with three crisp fours, before leaving the field caught and bowled by Smart, with the score now 126 off 26 overs. Younger brother Alex Harding cracked a single four, but that was it for him sadly. At the other end Paul Saunders had started slowly, but surely, making twenty before being caught off 41 with 2 fours. Scotsman Rod, batting quite unnecessarily in a kilt, (no stereotyping here) scored 11 before going the way of Smart who had him caught, with the score now up to 141. Jamie Liley in the meantime had cracked a boundary and was up to seven, before he had to trudge off undefeated, with the score on 161.
Tea was excellent as it always is. when self-made. However, that was it! The sun put his hat on and heavy rain-heralding cumulonimbus clouds drifted somewhat rather unkindly in. The heavens opened and the Bays left the rather more watery, Watery King’s meadow, with the game abandoned.
Bayshill 161/9
Stirrup F 55* 47 8 1
Saunders P 20 41 2 0
Steers P 5/0/1/25, Smart M 6/0/23/3
Steve Liley, recently injured playing for the Bays would like to thank all the cricketers at the game who came across and had a chat. Forcibly removed from the pitch though, whilst the Bays were batting, he was wheeled away, before athletically donning his crutches and leaping into the nearest car shouting, ‘Take me to Tewkesbury, I’ve had enough of this!’
When arriving at Tewkesbury he was officially awarded 1.5 runs, in the ancient sport of Cripple Cricket. The rules of this highly controversial and it must be said, very poor-taste game, are available from The Independent Adjudicator (See drawing), Bayshill House for a mere fiver. Usual payment arrangements please…
360 No Scope
An independent panel of Bayshill CC senior officials have been tasked with running an internal investigation involving an incident during “Shower Club” last Sunday. Been dubbed as Ring Gate
An innocent player was subject to a tirade of laughter at his expense due an unfortunate mark on his backside. Which what later was referred to as “The red ring of death.” A formal complaint has subsequently been lodged and laughed at.
Bayshill hasn’t seen anything quite like this since the 90s when Ted Crilly was seen post game with a load of downy fluff in that sort of area. He was then fondly dubbed Father Fluffy Bottom by his companions, Ted didn’t take too kindly to this. And reacted back calling a team mate “Himalaya Joe”.
This I’m sure will sound oh too familiar due to the Bayshill policy. With mandatory viewing of our Father Ted – Health and Safety training. I’m sure you’ll recall from the HR harassment seminar that the big clumps of hair in-between Joe’s feet that made him look like some sort of Abominable Snowman was actually a medical condition. And thus the internal case became very messy.
As such Bayshill CC take a stern matter to the approach, and the individual in question a R. Macleod. Wait, no that’s too obvious. One Rod M. Shall remain unnamed. This anonymous Scottish member of the club has had a talking too, and as a result has been suspended from Shower Club for two weeks.
Anyway, onto the game!
A warm, muggy, overcast and sweltering Sunday afternoon saw your Bayshill warriors play a new fixture for our humble club. Kingsholm CC were our gracious hosts.
The picturesque ground boasted a fine club house with very reasonable beers. A large area dedicated to practice nets, and in the middle of the ground was a green top wicket. With high humidity, overcast conditions that many might dub “Jimmy Anderson” conditions…. Bayshill won the toss and chose to bat.
Horner (post lads holiday) and Fran Giddyup Stirrup were sent in by Nasser Pritchard. Fran, filling in for opening regular Nobby who unfortunately had to withdraw the day before. He was also on the lads holiday with Horner, and we all feel very sorry for him. A dodgy sausage roll was the culprit that put nobby out of action, and so profusely on the toilet bowl. We at the Bays all wish Nobby the best and hope he’s back with the team next week.
Horner faced the first ball of the innings, watching a whooping inswinger drift down leg. The second ball followed in a similar suit. Now it should be noted dear reader that Crazy enjoys a new cricketing theory every now and then. This current “New Brand” Horner, which comes with beads from Scaramouche and a Call Of Duty Black Ops 3 t shirt (which Chris mistook for fashion rather than a video game top) decided to copy the style of one Steve Smith.
It might be no surprise to you that after the 3rd ball of the innings, Crazy was subsequently seen marching back to the pavilion. Stepping across the stumps to imitate the Australian former captain. However, he stepped too far and his leg stump was struck. Chris would have to spend the next 207 balls of the innings on the sideline.
Skipper Steve P strode to the crease at 3. Last week Steve proclaimed how much he has enjoyed this season opening the batting. Very gracious of him to drop himself to 3 this week. At least facing the fourth ball of the innings meant that Steve felt like he wasn’t missing out on opening.
Steve and Fran took to work. Discovering a lively pitch with extra bounce. Steve P made 8 before an attempted sweep was missed and he was bowled to much delight of the bowler who was none other than Bayshill alumni Phil Steers. We were all very pleased to see him and Katy today. Although I’m not sure Steve was at that very moment.
In strode AVD, who enjoys a pacy and bouncy pitch as it plays to his strengths of Back Foot leg side stroke play. Most certainly not slogging. One slash of the blade was very timed for early on finding the boundary, and things were looking good. Unfortunately a few balls later, the extra bit of bounce caught AVD off guard and he chipped to extra cover for 7.
Tom at 5 next in. Joined Francesca at the crease who had moved onto 28. With the score at 50 for 3 off 11.5 overs. Fran took control, embracing the Baysball approach that the England test team has shamefully stolen (and been far more successful with). A few mighty blows, one big six which went onto the roof of the net. “Don’t bowl there son” the keeper quipped to the bowler after Fran had sent one in the slot for 6. Fran reached his 50 and retired. Which brought Michael in.
Tom and Michael continued playing aggressive both hitting some nice boundaries. Unfortunately Tom top edged a delivery (curse that extra bounce) and was caught and bowled for 11. Michael continued on and was joined by his Brother Alex. The younger Harding got in on the action by hitting a fine 4 like his brother. And then got in on the action like his other team mates by getting bowled.
Michael continued in his see ball hit ball fashion, losing the match ball by hitting it back over the bowler’s head. One bounce four and into the allotments next to the ground. The spare ball though had Michael’s name on it and he was out shortly afterwards.
Soggy Saunders and Roddy Peeper Macleod were now out in the middle. The two left handed batsmen, put on a display of late cuts (definitely not streaky edges) and fine stroke play. Rod who surprised himself by getting off the mark was warned by the umpire for running straight down the wicket. He was soon forgiven when Rod explained that scoring runs is a novelty and he wasn’t where he was supposed to run.
That didn’t stop Rod though from hitting two fours. One in particular, a very impressive pull shot from a short pitch delivery. Once he was out, Rod declared how pleased he was for hitting a couple of boundaries and getting to double figures. His beam quickly vanished when the scorer told him he only got 9. After what can only be described as a verbal lashing towards the scorer who enjoyed Rod’s antics, knew of course Rod actually got 11.
Last man was no other than Jamie Liley. Confident after hitting his first four for the club last week, Jamie advanced down the wicket and aggressively struck the ball through mid on. It just fell short of the boundary however Jamie and Soggy ran two. A few balls later and Jamie repeated his shot, this time, timing the ball better and the ball ran away comfortably for 4. Good stuff Jamie!
Soggy continued his form with the bat and after some impressive 360 shot selection and crafty footwork, he was out for 20. Fran could now rejoin the crease with just one over left of the Bays innings. A team player as always Fran took to the charge in pursuit of runs. Unfortunately, one aggressive shot proved too many, (not to mention the number of lives he used earlier) he was caught. Finishing with a fine 55 and Jamie not out on 7. Total score 161.
Then came the rain, and the game was called off. And the Bays declared themselves the victors by way of winning draw.
And then came the sun back out and both teams enjoyed themselves in a game of tabletop skid cricket.
Refreshments were enjoyed at the ground, and subsequently at the House of The Tree.
And Bayshill go again next week vs Fran and Westbury on Severn.
This has been High Jardon.
You stay classy Bayshill CC.