3 Green Woodpeckers! • Bayshill Cricket Club

Colonel Mustard replaces Ivor Hugh J Thurston, returning to report on a T20 match in a hawthorn clearing, somewhat downstream from another hawthorn clearing! Yes, you did read that correctly. All local to the area, will indubitably know that in 1221AD, the village hosting today’s game went by the name of Hugheberleg no less, meaning in Old English, exactly that guff about hawthorn. Enough of semantics and etymology though; to the cricket without any further dawdling procrastination!

Now I’m back from Spalding (I have checked and I definitely am) and its annual tulip parade, which I hasten to add that I missed (on purpose), I’d bally well like to say that spending a penny of the Queen’s money, is not what it used to be. Old Charles Dickens’ character, Ebenezer Scrooge in ‘Christmas Carol’ would agree with me there whole-heartedly, as would Dismal Jemmy in ‘The Pickwick Papers’ and indeed Jemmy Wood in ‘Our Mutual Friend’. All right, all right, I hear you the dear reader ask, what in the name of Colmans’ finest, is old Moutarde banging on about now. Well, it’s quite simple really and nothing for you to get ‘mustard hot’ under the flannels over. James or Jemmy Wood (1756-1836), the richest commoner in His Majesty’s dominions, also went under the damning soubriquet of The Gloucester Miser. Now, what has this to do with today’s game, I hear you cry. Well, Jemmy was once owner of none other than Hatherley House and its associated estate and, I have to report that he was a great source of material, for the pen-wielding beardy wordsmith himself, that is Dickens, Charlie Boy or Dicky to his friends. Both the real Old Jemmy and Charlie’s creation as well, wouldn’t have spent a penny, let alone a groat under any circumstances!

Now, where was I? Ah, that’s right, a cricket report about a T20. I must admit that it sounds to me, more like a classic sport’s car or an early steam engine with an interesting 4:6:2 wheel formation and possibly a smoke-deflecting stream-lined chimney, but sadly it’s not. I find for once that I digress dear reader. T20 is cricket all right, so I’ll get on with it. Now, before I do so, I have to say that the format of our game is all over the flipping place, so feel just a little for the Bays’ statistician and indeed, other cricket number-wielding chappies or increasingly chapesses, these days. (Please note inclusivity, diversity and all that sort of stuff that goes down well now) Does he put batting and bowling information all together in one porridge-like gloop of numbers? Or instead, does he separate all forms of the game from one another; 20 overs, 25 overs, 30 overs, 35 overs, 40 overs, a time game, to make a smorgasbord of data, which can be picked over by the England selectors, ad infinitum? Well I’ll tell you the answer to this intriguing question, (Please note: F Stirrup Esq) as I know it’s burning a hole in your thought processes. All Bays games of any description and associated runs, wickets etc are logged and entered into a database about the size of Moldova, that generates the team’s and indeed each individual player’s statistics. Thus, if you’ve played for the Bays, we’ll have the number of balls you’ve faced, runs scored, run rate, average etc etc etc. And of course the same for the bowlers as well. All data from every game of every description is included. The only hole in the database is about sixty or so games from the early years. This only affects one living/ playing player, so you the reader (presumably aspiring cricketer) can be confident that your offerings, however meagre, to the altar of the Bays have been religiously recorded to be dissected later on judgement day – down the pub after the AGM.

Thus if we take a player by random, say perchance Fran Stirrup, then we could furnish him, if we so cared, with the following information. As of the end of season 2021…

Played: 9 Not Outs: 2 Highest Score: 93 Total Runs: 351 Balls faced: 284 Average: 50.142

Fours: 44 Sixes: 8 Strike Rate: 1.235 Catches: 5 Stumpings: 1

Overs bowled: 32 Maidens: 3 Bowled runs: 178 Wickets: 6 Best fig: 3/14

Ave: 29.666 Runs/over: 5.562 Balls/wicket: 32

Ave pints consumed on match day: 13.324 Pints bought for the Bays: 22* (club record) Favourite Band: Abba Favourite Film: Jurassic Park Favourite Colour: Flannel white

(All data is protected under copyright laws to protect those who haven’t done as well as they’d like to think)

And so to the game. But before all the niceties are described, the Bays coaching team would like to point out that to increase dexterity of fingers in the bowling hand, there is now a device unparalleled in success rate. So if you’d always fancied a Muffin of your own, now is the time. See attached photograph.

Down Hatherley put the Bays into bat on a day of heavy overcast clouds, with the air seemingly full of green woodpeckers and small aeroplanes of every description. If only it had been a big-hitting day, there would have been the possibility of bringing one of the blighters down on to the outfield.

Chris Horner, captain again, raced away with 12 dots. Alex Van Dyke at the other end managed just a single before being caught. Cueto guest player for the Bays managed 11 with a brace of fours before being bowled by Tope W, the score now up to 15. Ajit Singh came and went for a mere single and then Horner, seemingly out of sorts, having used 29 balls, also departed for 6, with Fran Stirrup at the other end on one.

Tom Liley joined Fran, making 9 from 9 (one 4), in a partnership of 17, before being caught by CM Tope (his second of three catches). Steve Liley then joined Fran, now on 7, for what was the biggest partnership of the innings. However, Steve went for only 7, with the score up to 65 and Fran on 23. Wayman C made 5 not out, after Fran had retired on 27, with Jelfs, Saunders and Jamie Liley (0*) adding no further runs. A miserable total of 78 off the twenty.

Down Hatherley made a slow start, scoring at about the rquired level for some 7 overs, thanks to the accurate bowling of Singh and Cueto. Ajit had by now bowled both Stalberg and Smith, the score 29/2. Tom Liley and Jelfs then bowled the next four overs for just 9 runs, but even so the score was up to 44. Jelfs had removed M Tope and M Smith, both caught well by Singh and Wayman respectively. It seemed a hopeless task, with so few runs to play with and so it was. Fran Stirrup, bowled a couple for 12, with Cueto returning to remove Stuart for just 8. Jamie Liley bowled the penultimate over for 7, with Horner taking responsibility for the last over. S Trigg (instantly dubbed Mr. Mustard Man) kitted out with fluorescent orange gloves and a startling mustard helmet was adjudged LBW, after extremely loud appeals by the bowler and keeper and a broad smile on the umpire’s face. Mr. Mustard Man disappeared pavilion-bound seemingly hot under the collar. The last run was made with two Bays players ending up writhing together on the outfield – nuff said.

Post match imbibing took place at both the ground and at The House in the Tree, where chips seemed to be the order of the day.

Bayshill 78/8

Cueto A 10/11/2/0

Stirrup F 27*/27/3/0

Liley T 9/9/1/0

Liley S 7/16/1/0

W Tope 4/0/23/3 Catches: CM Tope 3

Down Hatherley 79/6

Stalberg 19, M Tope, 14, S Trigg 19, D Humphris 11*

Singh A 4/0/14/2

Cueto A 4/1/18/1

Jelfs O 2/0/9/2